Last post.

Please go to my new website

www.carldenning.com

Thank you 

I think this is going to be my last blog post.

It is around 2 and a half years ago when I was told I had Pancreatic cancer. Both on a spiritual and physical level, a lot has changed.

One of my first reactions was to desperately seek someone in this dire situation. I went online, and found a french girl who had pancreatic cancer. She had not updated her blog for a couple of months, there was no clue in her writing what she was doing. I sent her an email, she never replied.

I guess she gave me the insperation to write my own blog.  I found it easer to write knowing it was a private blog, this gave me the freedom to write with honesty, and if i was going to be judged, it would not matter as whoever was reading it would not know me anyway. I am not good at spelling, but it was not about my spelling, it was simply about learning how to cope with the situation I was now in. Those early days were very dark, I didn't sleep much and when I did I had to wake up to the cancer shock every day. I am not like that, its now not the first thought I have in a morning anymore.

I never go back and read what I have written in the past. The past few years have been a challenge, we have seemed to have staggered through it, and each time I have tripped, we have done our best to brush ourselves down and just get on with it, and we have do our best to try and learn from each step, there is no reason to looking back, it is this point we are now focusing on. I have really enjoyed writing as it as helped me to get to this point.

I decided to share the blog on Facebook, friends then shared it too, and it went into the search engines. I have met some really lovely people via the blog, from all over the world, and I just want to say, thank you for spending your time, and reading this, it means a lot, and thank you for all your lovely messages. I have really enjoyed it.

Writing has made me think about reading, I don't read much. Years ago I read this book, there was a part of this book that really stuck in my brain, so much, I can almost quote it,  "if you feel you have learnt everything in life then ask yourself this, are you still alive? if the answer is yes, then you haven't learnt everything yet".  Due to the emotional connection I made with the book, I decided to buy it again and re-read it. When I got to the end of the last chapter, it mentioned nothing about learning, and even more stranger, it was a completely different story. I was not sure what shocked me most,  the most important book I have ever read was not the book I thought it was,   or the conclusion that must mean I have actually read two books in my life! - if anyone knows which book this is from, please let me know.

This may sound a bit strange, but there is something good about cancer. I know that some people will find that statement not just controversial, but really offensive.  Even writing it feels highly disturbing for myself, but for me cancer has produced some good life lessons.  Don't get me wrong I wish this was one lesson I didn't have to learn, but I think if you try and get something from any situation, good or bad, then it has less power. Of course I could go on about what cancer as taught me, but that's not just a blog item, that's a book.

I have decided to end this blog as it has done what it was meant to do, to help me accept the situation I am in, and unlike the girl from France, I didn't want it to just end, with a air of mystery. If you have found this blog and you have just found yourself in the same situation, when you look into this type of cancer, and you find out what pancreatic cancer means, remember that everyone is different, and when they tell you or you find out the percentage of survival, don't accept it, challenge it, and do everything you can to do that, if you drive the doctors crazy by calling them to arrange appointments, do so. The charities are there for a reason, so use them, do research, keep an open mind, and really importantly while your doing all that, try your best to live your life too, and try and let it not just be all hospital appointments and worrying.

Deep down, I know why the reason the french girl never wrote again on her blog, and why she never contacted me, I guess it didn't end well. This blog doesn't end in the same way.

Last week I went for another scan, and got the results surprisingly the day after. The tumour has gone and my tumour blood count as come down dramatically, from 1700 to 41 (under 30 is normal) so technically, yet again due to chemo the cancer as gone again, this is the third time.

I know the situation and I know the chances are high that it will come back, but regarding chances, the chances are that I would not of got rid of this cancer in the first time, never mind three, and thats what i mean by don't accept it,

So whats next?

I am knackered from chemo so an holiday at some point soon.

I am doing my bit for the Pancreatic Cancer charity, we have recently done this video:

https://www.facebook.com/PancreaticCancerAction/videos/vb.135525579797385/1100267343323199/?type=2&theater

I enjoy this kind of thing,  and if it helps then its all good. The charity as contacted me saying that the PR company has asked if I can help them do some more, which I really enjoy so I will be. I will also will be doing more writing as i have also enjoyed writing this blog, I am not sure in what form.

But the main thing is, I feel its time to leave this blog behind. Thank you for reading and coming on this journey with me, and for helping me learn to get to this stage. To go back to the mystery book, and to go back to what I have learnt on this journey, I would say whatever you are doing now, whatever age you are, and whereever you are in life, go and enjoy, it's not about impressing the world, it's about doing things that make you happy, you are still alive, so keep been inquisitive and keep learning and with that, grow. I am also alive, and I am so excited about my future, there is so much I need to do, and there's so much I still need to learn, and that excites me.

Can you kill your own cancer?

Please go to my new website 

www.carldenning.com

Thank you 


I have recently had an opportunity  to meet a food expect and ask two questions - can diet prevent cancer? and if it can, can diet also kill cancer?

I have asked this question before, can I do anything that will help to survive? its a question that usually gets the silence treatment so I was surprised when she said that there is evidence to say yes.

Just by chance, a friends Mum very kindly sent me a memory stick with the Ketogentic diet. If you have or have had cancer, you will know that all your family and friends will start to send you the latest miracle diet or cure, I have had everything now from - low carbs to no dairy diets, to bee stings cures. They all mean well, but sometimes you can feel bombarded by information. 

If you search on the internet for any cancer cure you find out that suddenly everything is a cure! and sometimes (for the right money!) you don’t need chemo, just a bottle of this!

I have started to look at the ketongentic diet and its seems very interesting. There are a lot of experts talking about this, and suddenly it doesn’t seem to be just the latest fad. 

I have now been on this diet for over a month now and I will tell you the results at the end of this article.

Below is a video of Dr. D'Agostino is an Assistant Professor at the University of South Florida College Of Medicine, Molecular Pharmacology & Physiology 

Here is a news article about a gentleman named Fred Hatfield, the doctor gave him unto 6 months to live, he had nothing to lose! so he went on the the Ketone diet and now is cancer free.




Here is a news article in the Daily mail

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3691808/Quitting-carbs-saved-life-Cancer-victim-given-months-live-refuses-chemo-claims-diet-meat-dairy-s-alive-two-years-later.html

After been given 6 months to live, after giving up sugar and carbs, 2 years later he is still surviving.

Here are just some of the many 100s of articles on the internet about this diet.

It is not as difficult as it sounds, and to be honest I am not doing a strict version of it.  But I have cut down on carbs, I have a cheat day every week, but most meals don't involve bread, pasta, potatoes, and I don't have sugar anymore.

It seems harder when you go out, they seems to be little choice. I have started to work on different menu items for my street food business, The Market Wraps Allotment - here is our no flour, low carbs, gluten free bread buns. I will be bringing this from our next booking, and the choice is now on our private bookings too.

Working on a no carbs, gluten free bread bun! Taste great! Made from cream cheese and egg whites #nocarbs #keyto #glutenfree #gluten #bread

A photo posted by The Market Wraps allotment (@the_marketwraps_allotment) on Jan 7, 2017 at 11:48am PST

A month ago I was having scans on my brain as they thought that maybe my headache due to a spread to the brain, this was not the case, so they thought it maybe to do with my diabetes and my blood sugars been so high, this was also altering my mood, and I had started to take antidepressants.

I have now been on this diet for a month. My tumour blood count as gone from 6500 to 2300 - this is a 64% drop, my oncologist used the work "miracle". Do I think this is due to my diet? Well I am also on chemo, but I am keeping an open mind, but I do think the diet has helped with the side effects from the chemo.

I used to inject 20 units of insulin a day, I now inject 6. My blood sugar count was between 12 and 30! between 5 and 7 is normal for someone with diabetes.  Mine is now between  5 to 7 - an average drop of 70%

I don't really get headaches anymore, and there is also no need to take my antidepressant too, as this as lightened my mood.

The sickness of my fortnightly treatment usually last for around 7 days, I have been able to get out of bed early.

So...

Can you kill your own cancer? I'm not sure, I'm going to keep an open mind and its worth a try, they does seem to be a lot of evidence out there that diet does have a lot to do with cancer,  the diet seems to be helping me anyway.

If you are on a ketone diet please let me know how your getting on.

The biology of belief

Hello everyone,

Thank you, yet again for all your well wishes, I have been slow on the response which I apologise for. 

Treatment starts next week, so I have been busy having blood tests, getting ports fitted, scans to find out whats happening, all which I am currently waiting to find out the results.

As for now, it is looking like the cancer has gone to the outer edge of the liver, meaning this can not be ablated. This is not the best news, and I am waiting for the results of the latest scan to see if that is the case. If it is the case then my personal plan is this, to simply get rid of it again, can I do it? YES!   It won't be the first time to do the impossible, and I am confident.

I am really enjoying writing the book, and it is making me study certain questions, which I am still working on, but briefly been making notes on the subject.

Who was I before cancer, and who am I now? and what have I learnt. 

This blog item may irate some. I guess the subject matter is about holding up a mirror, and for us all to look at our own lives. What makes me such an expert? Why am I even writing about it?   I hope it does not come come across as arrogant, but if it does, well, thats fine.  I am thankful you are reading it, and I do think its a worthy subject matter to look at and debate, I won't let my ego get in the way.

I am still working on this question, but I want to try and share and write about it here. 

With chemo, it feels like I have to be ill for three to six months to then live for three to six months, and to put in layman terms, it has put me in a situation where I have to really work to then live, so with that I don't want to waste that time.

Some would say, but when me and Rob are sat watching some mindless rubbish on the television in our onesies! and just doing nothing then this is waisting time? It does not matter what you are doing, as long as your enjoying the moment.

I see life differently now, and I would say I see things more clearly, I am not sure if this is down to all the drugs and stress and in fact it is nothing to do with seeing things clearly, but more to do with I haven't got the brain cells any more to retain the information, making it clearer to understand. 

The only thing that would stop me writing the book is my health, and if that doesn't get in the way, then I will write it and I will get it published. I do not question my ability any more. Does this come across as arrogant?  It does not matter, because yet again, if i start to worry what others thought about me, then i would be placing that obstacle in my own way to stop me doing what I want to do. We all have that inner voice, what if this? and what if that?  Well... what if you choose what the inner voice said? How powerful would that be! I have chosen to be friends with my inner voice, we are taking on the world.

If bored some people create their own problems to entertain themselves, without realising it, I think I used to do this myself. This is very counter-productive and there are far more exciting things to do to entertain. 

Do we judge our worth by measuring it via others?  I know someone and they're great, they work very hard and everything that they own in life they have had to put the time in to get it. Then, stage left, someone has entered their lives, and it seems they have materialist items and they're a little bigger and better and with a lot less input. It drives my friend to distraction  and when talking about the subject, they become very animated. They can not see that this effects the way they enjoy all the things they have as it's now about all the things they haven't got. This is pointless, as there is always someone out there that has monetary value, and while your concentrating on the differences, you're not looking in the right direction of appreciating the things you have and the work you have put in to get it.

Fear not only controls us, but also contains us. The fear of letting go of a job that we are in that we don't like, and the consequences of leaving that job, how this would effect us and effect our family? Being in a relationship that we are in but not happy to be in. Fear of moving as the unknown is scary. As long as you survive the consequence, then its all relative.

These days life seems very surreal, but the situations have brought me to this point. I try and live life likes it's a film, I try and make it a great film, I put a power balled in the background - I control that inner voice, I don't let the inner voice control me and I try not to worry.

My treatment and my body sometimes stops me doing what I want to do, which is so frustrating. In the past, it was not my health that stopped me doing what I want to do, it was myself. If someone found a miracle cure for cancer, I would say that I would never live like that again and I would even go as far to say, that if I was cured then  cancer would have been the greatest gift on understanding the true value of life. Is it possible to pass that lesson on and write about it without going though the experience of it? That's the readers choice. You have the freedom to read or not. You have the freedom to make your own opinion, and the freedom to then put action from it or not.

Thanks for reading.

PS:

Hello, as you may know we are currently trying to get a pancreatic cancer drug back on the list.

Please sign the petition, and thank you very much.

https://www.change.org/p/don-t-stop-funding-only-drug-for-pancreatic-cancer/u/13957786

The new normality

 I have not written a blog item for quite a bit of time now. I am currently about to have chemo (Thurs), after that I have another 2 to go.

My hair as started to grow back, I am not sure why, as i have not finished chemo yet, it is more fuzzy felt more than hair.

It does seem that last time the chemotherapy made me sick less that usual, but this sickness has been replaced by a bit more pain.  The other day I had abdominal pain, and I went dizzy and thought I was going to pass out, i am not sure if this is side effects from the chemo.

So, my future plans are:

3 more rounds of chemo, then after that a CT scan, then I am hoping to put a bit more normality back into my life.

I will be going back to work at this point, now I am not sure what good I will be, due to this amount of chemo. My brain feels like it has been taken out, and replaced by a brick.  My official title may change from web developer to flower pot, as they sit me next to the window holding some flowers.

But whatever happens, I am looking forward (and a bit nervous) about going back to some form of normality. 

When I say, some form, I guess I know the situation probably will not allow me to go back to the normality I used to have, I guess the key is to get it as close to it as I can. 

Cancer has changed me. It has changed me physically and what I am able or unable to do, my body will not allow me to just get up and go anymore, but my brain does, which adds to the frustration. I get really tired and there is sometimes pain, and my thought process can be very clouded.  I am now classed as disabled, by looking at me, no one would know there is anything wrong. I have applied for a disabled car parking badge, this seems to be a controversial subject. The government does regard this as a disability and have been helpful with advice, but when I have told some that I have applied, I have felt a bit of hostility, I guess people judge on the better days, sadly it's only my close family that see me on my worse days, a parking badge will help not just me, but Rob and my family at the hospital when I am leaving after chemo, there is never any parking spaces, and 4 flights of stairs while been sick is never very nice. I now know and accept that it is a disability, no I am not severely disabled, and it is not one that people see, a missing pancreas is not like a missing arm, but a pancreas as got it uses, and with half of it left, I do miss the other half! It has also changed how I look, from scars to experience, it as changed me physically and it has also changed me mentally, and I don't mean just chemo frying my brain, I mean the whole experience as made me see life in a different way.

I am really looking forward to get back to my street food business too, I have really missed it. I was talking about this to one of my doctors and how much I miss the work, she told me to do it from my sick bed, I am not sure if she understood what street food is, I know it involves a bit of theatre, but I am not sure if making pulled pork wraps from a bed while not being that well, in the middle of Briggate would work.

But I took her advice, and started making plans of some changes of "market wraps" from my bed. A change in menu, a change in the look of the stall, and a change in doing what we do now, but just doing it more. I decided to call the bank during one of my better days to see if they were the new helpful bank they now claim to be on there advert. All was going well on advice of how to ask for a bank loan, until we got to the point of pancreatic cancer been mentioned, I felt the draft from the virtual closed sign been shut down on the phone. This is what I mean by accepting that things won't be the same again.

I was able to work on the stall this weekend, and with that I brought in my new idea of the new menu, gourmet wraps and sandwiches, made in front of the customer in the morning.

They went down well, and we sold out, but more than that, it felt great doing something different, working at the stall, and seeing everyone at the market. Just a small sense of normality again.

On talk radio was a discussion about what it is like to live with cancer. I found it interesting, not as many would think. I was not comparing notes, it was more seeing how others do it and try and follow suit. If someone asked, how do I live with cancer, I am not sure what I would answer. 

To go through this experience, it is bound to give you some lesions in life, and it as! I think... And it would be great to reveal and share those big life's lesions in an almost revelation way! Sadly due to chemo brain, I think I have forgot most of them! Shame really as it would make a great blog item! 

I was thinking about how we treat getting older. Last December I hit 40, I did not really experience the hitting 40 in a normal way, so I am unable to write about it from that view point. I am guessing that you get to 38 and then suddenly you start to prepare mentally for the big four zero. For me it was different as I found out I had pancreatic cancer at 38, so the last thing on my mind was, I am 40 in two years time. 

I hit forty, and was asked the usual questions, "how do I feel about hitting forty" "it's downhill from here" etc.....

My blank face probably gave the game away that I had not put any thought process into this subject.

I guess I asked myself those questions after I got to 40. When someone hits a rounded age, questions like that I guess are standard, it's what we all do, we send joke cards about getting old, showing images of a couple of old dears with various body parts hanging low, or someone loosing their mind etc.  We all seem to treat getting old as a negative thing, and that is something that has changed for me.

How do I feel about hitting forty? I'm extremely thankful for it. A birthday does represent getting older, it represents another year of surviving, and a year of the experience of life. A year of sharing moments with love ones. It's a shame we all treat getting old as a negative experience, imagine how it would be if we all saw it as a positive, that would truly be a celebration.

My second round of chemo

Over a week later and I woke up in bed to think where the hell have I been in the past 8 days.

Chemo was hard,  for people that are about to have the same chemo, I must inform that my experience seems to be not normal, so please don't read my words and think this is what it will be like.  Please read this about the cancer treatment and side effects 

But it seems for me, I fit into that 5% that have a bad reaction to it, bloody brilliant! its been Hell.

 The collection of drugs I take is called 'Folfox' which makes it sound more like a Northern 80s nightclub more than something that beds you for a week but when  looking up one of the drugs (oxaliplatin) I was  surprised to what it read on the Macmillan website.

Hair loss

Your hair may thin but you’re unlikely to lose all the hair from your head.

I had one chemotherapy, sneezed over breakfast and my hair was in my Frosties, what the hell is all that about.

So, Mum and me was in the chemo ward a week last Monday, I have an injection with a type of drug to stop two of the side effects happening from one of the chemotherapy, and thats sickness and abdominal pains, half an hour into the chemo the abdominal pain started.  I guess i freaked out due to thinking that they have given me the drug, so why was it happening, its not a small pain, its a heavy paralysing shooting pain and due to the amount of pain, both me and my Mother both seemed to jump.

The nurse called for the Doctor and he came, the pain eased, and then came back, but then eased again, so I learnt, when it starts to hurt the best thing is, is to breath though it, as I knew it would settle down. Then I was sick.

After 3 hours of chemo, I am attached to a small plastic container with a deflating balloon inside, which pushes more chemo into my system for the next 48 hours, and dangling from my other arm is a  compact plastic box containing a large injection that pushes anti sickness drugs for the next 48 hours,  and with a look in the mirror, Im ready to hit the town!

Well, to be fair at that point the only thing I'm hitting is my bed.  I guess I walk out of the ward and I kind of remember getting into Mums car, I'm not sure of the whole details, as from that point I feel totally drugged up, and I guess thats exactly what I am.

I have an idea on what happens throughout the week of been in bed, it starts off with a lot of sickness, and when sick my temperature raises very high, very quickly,  its not a nice feeling, if feels like all the chemicals and poisons of the chemo are trying so hard to escape you are not just throwing them up, they are sweating out of every pores. When having chemo you should always watch your temperature, and if it goes over  37.5C, thats when you start to worry.  But with this type of reaction I am sure my temperature goes sky high every time I am sick.

The sickness, wow, I am sick until nothing else can come out, but that doesn't stop my body from trying to get more out, and when it gets to that point, this vile green liquid spews, which I can taste the chemicals in, which makes me gag more, its bad but looking on the bright side! I know this only lasts two to three days.

Day three seems that there is a small light at the end of the tunnel, the sickness started to easy, there is a light.

But then the next stage happens and it is more subtle that the sickness stage, but it seems to last a lot longer. I felt I was hit by a bus, and then was in a comma, and then on day 8, when I woke up,  i cried,  In the joy that it felt like I had just got home form a very distant and dark and different place, a little battered and a little bruised, but still home.

I am having the nano knife surgery done a week on Thursday and a problem been, my chemo is on monday, I feel I am going to be in no state to have the chemo, and then days later travel to London to go to that ( I feel sorry for the person I will be sat next to on that train journey!) not sure what to do at this moment in time, the surgeons in London like you to have the chemo, and so do the Oncologist in Leeds. I'm not sure if it's physically possible. 

Luckily that's where Pancreatic Cancer UK are great for advice, and there are always well known  about each of the treatments. will call them today for advice.

When writing this blog I found it difficult to write about how the chemo was. I have three other blog items I have not published which where even more random than the ones I publish. I have been avoiding this one. But, last night I started to write it and once I did, it felt better. I know I have been quite descriptive on how bad it's been. I hope I have not offended anyone. 

I have an pre-assessment, and I will let them know how it has been, hopefully they will give me more sickness drugs, but I will write about it on here.

This is now nine days after and I still feel light on my feet, but It's so nice to feel back to some kind of normal again.

Hair loss

A friend came to see me today and we were sat at the kitchen table when i looked down and saw some hair (which i thought was a bit minging).  I had just cleaned the kitchen so could not understand it.

I carried on talking and saw some hair in my eyes, i pulled it away and touched my head, the next this, half my hair fell out.

Now, i knew i would have hair loss, and it doesn't really bother me, there are bigger things to worry  about, but i didn't realise it would happen as dramatic as it did.

Its a bit like having a spot, you know you should not play with it, but you can not help yourself and each time i touched my head a shower of hair seem to fall down.

I decided to wash my hair and then brush it, not sure why as i haven't brushed my hair for 30 years, but it felt itchy.

I have been wearing a hat most of the night, and i was not going to put these photos on, but then i thought, what is the point of writing a blog about pancreatic cancer and the effects when i am going to hide what happens, and to be fair I'm glad i got to photo 4 and didn't stick to photo 3 for long!

This morning, when i noticed the hair falling

After washing it (the Rooney look) 

After drying it (the chuckle brother look)

after brushing it,  (the breaking bad look)

I did not realise that this would happen all in a day, and the lack of hair makes my ears look even bigger! I am not in pain, and i am not feeling sick. I did say it would not bother me losing my hair and it doesn't but the way it happened is quite symbolic and i think that is what upsets you more than the hair loss its self.  I am not sure if it is just hair loss or if i will also loss my facial hair, if i do I can at least pencil in some large expressive eyebrowes and freak people out in shopping centres purely for  entertainment, or when I'm angry i can pencil them slightly pointy. 

Reaction to chemo

Well...

I did want to do a more upto date blog article.  I was going to have chemo and then after write what the chemo was like, but sadly I fitted into the 5% that had a bad reaction to them.

I even planned to do a picture every day of the changes to me and what the effects of chemo can have (in my head i was going to re-enact the person on youTube signing and dancing in the chemo ward attached to a drip while dancing to a Kelly Clarkson song) but believe me i was unable to lift my head off the pillow, never mind smile for a selfy!

I can not really remember what it was like, after having my treatment all was well until i got home,
thinking back it's all bit of a blur but first there was sickness, a lot of sickness. I did not eat before the chemo and i wish i did, i felt that maybe i should not have had chemo on a empty stomach. The sickness is grim, like i said i did fall into the 5% that have a reaction so if you are reading this and about to have chemo for the first time, try and not to worry.

The sick was green! a very bile sickness, it was not nice. I had to go back into hospital and I think I was there for about 3 days, but yet again i am not sure. I was in and out of sleep.

My visitors probably regretted visiting due to the high costs of the Yorkshire Cancer Centre car park and the lack of communcation out of me (on the other hand this may of been a blessing).

It was nice to get back home, but then the diarrhoea started, and at this point of reading this blog, you probably will be thinking why didn't I read the blog about flower arranging or something a little more plesent.

So back to the hospital it was for another 3 days, the good news is each night i stay in hospital  I get paid due to my private health care, which is almost getting to be my full time job these days.

The nurses had a welcome back party for me (which i was so out of it the first time I went in I could not remember what i had said, or who they all were) but still, there were really caring.

If you ever want your own room in hosptial just say you have diarrhoea and you will get your own private en suite room, this does come with a warning, the only down side is your not allowed to leave the room, and after 3 days you do realise why the windows don't open.

Another 3 days in hospital and i started to come back to the land of the living. When your sick after chemo, you really appreciate the time when your not sick.

The next time I have chemo there are going to fill me with sickness drugs, i am hoping that all will be better the next time around than this.

Whats next, Chemotheapy and nanoknife

I haven't purposely asked certain questions on what is about to happen, so i appoligies for someone who is going through the same thing and is looking for answers.

This may be quite vague but to my knowledge this is what is about to happen.

I have been told that I have to have 6 months of chemo, now i believe that they do a CT scan after 3 months to see if it is working. I will keep a blog to let you know how I am feeling on this chemo, but i must admit, i am scared.

The last chemo took around 30 minutes to put into my system, this is going to take 2 days. I feel OK right now, so to hook myself for 2 days to make myself feel sick just seems strange.  I am up and about right now, back at work and about to go on holiday to Prague, so to visualise someone one sat in bed, thin and hair falling out been sick, plugged into a machine seems very far from where I am but I may be in that state next week.

I know that they send a district nurse to our house to see if all is OK with the chemo, (mental note, i must tidy the bedroom).

The doctor said that some of the side effects are, hair falling out (which i am not that fussed about - i have just bought a flat cap so at least i will get money out of that) and feeling cold sensation in a different way (I may have to wear oven gloves when I get something out of the fridge, and I may not be able to drink cold drinks) but all in all, its sounds grim!

I have found a some inspiration on twitter! there is a young man (aged 13) called Josh Wilson (@SuperJosh) not only as he reoccurring brain tumor, but also neuromuscular disabilities, and his attitude is really positive, he is really amazing.

Also, I am starting hypnotherapy, the last time I had chemo I built an association with the hospital (even the car park), so when i smelt disinfectant  i was sick, when i parked the car in a mulit story car park i was sick etc... so hopefully the hypnotherapy will take off the anxiety of this.

I am also having what is called nanoknife, I believe this is a new technology that electrocutes the tumor to kill it. I will let you all know how this goes too, it is not available on the NHS and will cost around £11000, but this is covered on healthcare (if you do call your private healthcare and they say they do not cover nanoknife, it may be because it is known as another name, all i needed was a letter from my surgeon.

I am also taking Kinoko gold AHCC 
This suppose to work well with pancratic cancer, it is expensive, but if it works its worth it.

I am also making my own bitter melon tablets.

Well! I have my pre assessment tomorrow, and then 3 days in Prague, and then back for chemo. I am looking forward to Prague!

Its come back!

This is one post i haven't really wanted to write.

A month or 2 ago i got a call saying that my blood ca-19 had gone up to 90, anything above 30 and they are worried.

I had a CT scan booked, i decided to carry on and still celebrate my birthday at the start of Dec 2013, it was my 40th, and we had planned to go to London.

It was a great weekend, the hotel was lovely, and i went to all the good markets of London, and ate a lot of street food, I loved it.

But when i got back to the hotel, i didn't feel that well, i thought it was due to a lack of sleep so with that i went to bed but woke up thirsty around 2am.

I was not sure if i was thirsty or felt sick, I went to the toilet and wanted to go,  my temperature suddenly rose and i fell off the toilet, i won't go into graphic accounts of the evening but my stools where foul smelling and bloody, i collapsed.

I awoke just as quickly and felt my temperature come back, with that the adrenalin kicked in and i stud up and called for an ambulance.

I spent 3 days in hospital, it looked like this was down to a burst blood veslal and had nothing to do with the cancer, but it had shown a 1.5cm mark on my liver.

I got back home and had another CT scan in Leeds, and this showed the same.

So, here we go again! i start chemo next week, 14th Jan, to say I'm nervous is an understatement.

But i will keep a recorded on how it all goes on here.

Chemo time

Well! It's 5 day count down to chemo, it is a bit like been pushed off a cliff, I feel fine, I am going back to the gym, I'm getting out more, becoming stronger, so there is a child like part of me that thinks, why the hell have I got to have chemo, of course I know why, just feels strange to make myself sick while I am feeling well.

It is now 4.46 in the morning, I'm not sleeping very well. I get this strange sensation in my legs which  keeps me awake or wakes me up, It's called Restless Legs Syndrome, you can get it when iron is low in the blood so I'm guessing it's that. 


I have chosen to do a trial, I will be taking two types of chemo drugs, this may give me more chance of survival, just hoping it won't give me double the side effects.The chemo only lasts half an hour, some last a day, not sure what to expect, or how I'm going to feel after it. According to what I have looked up, if your on a trial, you get better service, they took blood test and Swobs and ct scan to see if I'm healthy enough.
I don't want to be ill and scare my family and partner and friends,I was talking about that in my counciling, I have started counciling, now there is a Yorkshire instinct I me that thinks, counciling! Pull your bloody socks up and get on with it! But I must admit it did help, it lasted an hour, I just talked about what happened, how I found out, and things which I have thought about a million times over, but in a room with a strange and saying it out aloud seemed to work.  I go there once a fortnight for 6 sessions. 



But behind the counciling, the blog, the meetings at macmillians, and the emails to others in the same situations, I guess I'm just trying to understand the situation.


It's now 5.23am.

What next.... life after cancer

I had a 4% chance of surving Pancreatic Cancer (over 5 years)

I am now 12 months after cancer, this is the situation im in:

I was told I had a 10% chance to be operable.

I was one of the lucky ones and it was operable.

The cancer now could come back, it has an 80% chance of coming back.

So, whats next and what do i do now after cancer?

The part which I find hard at times is whenever you are not well, or have some random pain, I call my specialist nurse, at this moment I have itching and I have become a bit worried about it.

I have had pains and whatever in the past, and I have then worried, then it just goes with time and I then forget, but when you have pain or itching or something that continually seems to just be there to remind you that things have changed and i am not in a normal situation, its hard. 

I think you have to just get on with it, accept and repect that this is not a normal situation and at times I may feel down or tired or sick, but also you have to live.

Its not easy, sometimes things get on top of me, but i try and look on the bright side, and there is a bright side.

I have gone part time at my job and turned to my passion of cooking to open up www.market-wraps.com

This take alot of time! (and energy) but at least it is better than thinking negative thoughts.

I see my business as playing, and when things get me down, personally i try and turn to, how can i push my business more, or how can i improve a recipy or make something better.

My check ups are now every 3 months, it always get a bit nervous around that time, but due to me going to the doctor for any pains i seem to be having more blood tests than every 3 months anyway.

My first chemo

This was wrote in December 2012

Well, I was very quiet driving up for my first chemo injection, but it was ok, the nurse said I won't see the side effects for two days, but as for now, all is ok.

It was in a ward where they were about 6 armchairs with curtains around, like a normal ward but without beds.

The nurse said it is a very different word when your not used to it, it is, it's strange how we all pop in, sit down, get injected with poison, and then leave, but the people in there seem really nice.

When you tell people that you had/have cancer people can react in a way that they don't know what to say, I don't blame them, I would probably be like that myself, but in that ward, it's normal, so I was taken back slightly when a patients parter asked what type of cancer did I have, she also said I sat the same way as her jack russell, nice!

The nurse also said its an eye opener in there, it's is, as it seems quite a mix bag of people, mix ages etc.

I'm on two types of chemo due to been on a trial, the trial is called ESPAC-4 which is a mixture of drugs gemcitabine (this is injected) and with Capecitabine which is in tablet form.

There was also anti sickness drug which I had to take, the nurse said it may make my bum feel itchy! The only feeling I had was a sensation in my balls!

Changes

There as been strange changes in me in the past few weeks, materialist goods don't seem that needed anymore.  It is Christmas and for the first time, I don't really need anything, I love gadgets, but as I look around currys, there is nothing that I really need or want.

Also another change, the things that used to stress me dont anymore, stressed at work? Get cancer! It does change your prospective on things, I feel in certain situations I'm more calm.

Me and my partner, we have never really argued, well, not much, but now, there is no point to arguing, we get wound up still, I guess more about the situation,  but somehow it feels it has made us even more closer.

Also, at the beginning it drove me  mad, from when I woke up to when I went to bed, the situation was always on my mind, and though out the day processed the information over and over again, that hasn't changed, but I guess learning to live with it has, it seems to get easer.

There as been some changes in others too, some people can not deal with it at all, I haven't heard much from them since this, I understand that, they are not sure what to say so it's easer to just not say anything.

There are also physical changes, I lost at the most 3 stone.  I would of discribed myself has stocky now I am very slim. I have started to put weight back on.

I guess the key to all this is ride Throghout all of the changes, because whatever changes happen, physical or mentally, with me or with others. Behind it all, everyone are still the same.