Last post.

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www.carldenning.com

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I think this is going to be my last blog post.

It is around 2 and a half years ago when I was told I had Pancreatic cancer. Both on a spiritual and physical level, a lot has changed.

One of my first reactions was to desperately seek someone in this dire situation. I went online, and found a french girl who had pancreatic cancer. She had not updated her blog for a couple of months, there was no clue in her writing what she was doing. I sent her an email, she never replied.

I guess she gave me the insperation to write my own blog.  I found it easer to write knowing it was a private blog, this gave me the freedom to write with honesty, and if i was going to be judged, it would not matter as whoever was reading it would not know me anyway. I am not good at spelling, but it was not about my spelling, it was simply about learning how to cope with the situation I was now in. Those early days were very dark, I didn't sleep much and when I did I had to wake up to the cancer shock every day. I am not like that, its now not the first thought I have in a morning anymore.

I never go back and read what I have written in the past. The past few years have been a challenge, we have seemed to have staggered through it, and each time I have tripped, we have done our best to brush ourselves down and just get on with it, and we have do our best to try and learn from each step, there is no reason to looking back, it is this point we are now focusing on. I have really enjoyed writing as it as helped me to get to this point.

I decided to share the blog on Facebook, friends then shared it too, and it went into the search engines. I have met some really lovely people via the blog, from all over the world, and I just want to say, thank you for spending your time, and reading this, it means a lot, and thank you for all your lovely messages. I have really enjoyed it.

Writing has made me think about reading, I don't read much. Years ago I read this book, there was a part of this book that really stuck in my brain, so much, I can almost quote it,  "if you feel you have learnt everything in life then ask yourself this, are you still alive? if the answer is yes, then you haven't learnt everything yet".  Due to the emotional connection I made with the book, I decided to buy it again and re-read it. When I got to the end of the last chapter, it mentioned nothing about learning, and even more stranger, it was a completely different story. I was not sure what shocked me most,  the most important book I have ever read was not the book I thought it was,   or the conclusion that must mean I have actually read two books in my life! - if anyone knows which book this is from, please let me know.

This may sound a bit strange, but there is something good about cancer. I know that some people will find that statement not just controversial, but really offensive.  Even writing it feels highly disturbing for myself, but for me cancer has produced some good life lessons.  Don't get me wrong I wish this was one lesson I didn't have to learn, but I think if you try and get something from any situation, good or bad, then it has less power. Of course I could go on about what cancer as taught me, but that's not just a blog item, that's a book.

I have decided to end this blog as it has done what it was meant to do, to help me accept the situation I am in, and unlike the girl from France, I didn't want it to just end, with a air of mystery. If you have found this blog and you have just found yourself in the same situation, when you look into this type of cancer, and you find out what pancreatic cancer means, remember that everyone is different, and when they tell you or you find out the percentage of survival, don't accept it, challenge it, and do everything you can to do that, if you drive the doctors crazy by calling them to arrange appointments, do so. The charities are there for a reason, so use them, do research, keep an open mind, and really importantly while your doing all that, try your best to live your life too, and try and let it not just be all hospital appointments and worrying.

Deep down, I know why the reason the french girl never wrote again on her blog, and why she never contacted me, I guess it didn't end well. This blog doesn't end in the same way.

Last week I went for another scan, and got the results surprisingly the day after. The tumour has gone and my tumour blood count as come down dramatically, from 1700 to 41 (under 30 is normal) so technically, yet again due to chemo the cancer as gone again, this is the third time.

I know the situation and I know the chances are high that it will come back, but regarding chances, the chances are that I would not of got rid of this cancer in the first time, never mind three, and thats what i mean by don't accept it,

So whats next?

I am knackered from chemo so an holiday at some point soon.

I am doing my bit for the Pancreatic Cancer charity, we have recently done this video:

https://www.facebook.com/PancreaticCancerAction/videos/vb.135525579797385/1100267343323199/?type=2&theater

I enjoy this kind of thing,  and if it helps then its all good. The charity as contacted me saying that the PR company has asked if I can help them do some more, which I really enjoy so I will be. I will also will be doing more writing as i have also enjoyed writing this blog, I am not sure in what form.

But the main thing is, I feel its time to leave this blog behind. Thank you for reading and coming on this journey with me, and for helping me learn to get to this stage. To go back to the mystery book, and to go back to what I have learnt on this journey, I would say whatever you are doing now, whatever age you are, and whereever you are in life, go and enjoy, it's not about impressing the world, it's about doing things that make you happy, you are still alive, so keep been inquisitive and keep learning and with that, grow. I am also alive, and I am so excited about my future, there is so much I need to do, and there's so much I still need to learn, and that excites me.

A brave new day

I know what your thinking! Your thinking, wait a minute, didn't he promise that the last entry in this blog, was his last entry - well I am sorry to say, I am back! and sadly so is my cancer.

It is now in two places in my liver.

The doctors have said that its about containing the cancer, not getting rid - but I have been told this in the past, I plan to get rid of it again.

If you belittle the situation, then it doesnt seem such a big deal. Right now, I am trying to see it not as, ITS CANCER...AGAIN but more, Its only cancer, again...

It as taken the 4th time to get cancer to accept that pancreatic cancer will be part of my life, through my life, and that is fine.  By accepting this, does not take the right away to not challenge it's existence. It never get easer, I would say it gets harder, to not just physically take onboard what is happening but also the weight of it mentally.

After a scan and a trip to The London Clinic and then a meeting with my oncologist the conclusion was that there are 2 new tumours on my liver and the next step is to have a Pet scan.

The Pet scan will give a better image and show if the cancer is anywhere else and then the doctors can choose what is the best direction to go for the long term decision.

I will be having the Ablation/Nano-knife technology again. My doctor said that it is acting in a different way to how pancreatic cancer usually acts and in a good way, while many (including myself) say oh another tumour again! it seems the medical professionals are saying, well, only 2 tumours after 3 years of having this and it coming back 3 times is very positive.

I am not sleeping that much, this as nothing to do with worry or stress, but just the usual cancer pain, that only seems to come alive at night when you are trying to sleep, it is now almost 2am.

I have been helping out with the charities which I really enjoy.  I have been helping the Pancreatic Cancer Action charity. PCA  are one of the charities that are trying to get Abraxane (one of the chemo drugs) back on the NHS list after the government has taken some cancer drugs off the available list.

There is an disagreement on how much the cancer drug is and its worth, I feel that the debate for that is between the drug companies and the government, but the actual use of the drug is one of a personal issue and one that i can discuss.

This was me on channel four news:

and here is the article I did for Yorkshire Evening post

Here is the link for the petition, https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/107388 Thank you for all who have signed.

I was introduced to one of the production team of the new cancer research adverts that will be on TV this Christmas, and I may be on this.

So, for now thats the information I have, waiting for results from the Pet scan, and then from that the doctors will know the best direction to go.

As for the other stuff, I will continue to help with the charities as much as I can.