Last post.

Please go to my new website

www.carldenning.com

Thank you 

I think this is going to be my last blog post.

It is around 2 and a half years ago when I was told I had Pancreatic cancer. Both on a spiritual and physical level, a lot has changed.

One of my first reactions was to desperately seek someone in this dire situation. I went online, and found a french girl who had pancreatic cancer. She had not updated her blog for a couple of months, there was no clue in her writing what she was doing. I sent her an email, she never replied.

I guess she gave me the insperation to write my own blog.  I found it easer to write knowing it was a private blog, this gave me the freedom to write with honesty, and if i was going to be judged, it would not matter as whoever was reading it would not know me anyway. I am not good at spelling, but it was not about my spelling, it was simply about learning how to cope with the situation I was now in. Those early days were very dark, I didn't sleep much and when I did I had to wake up to the cancer shock every day. I am not like that, its now not the first thought I have in a morning anymore.

I never go back and read what I have written in the past. The past few years have been a challenge, we have seemed to have staggered through it, and each time I have tripped, we have done our best to brush ourselves down and just get on with it, and we have do our best to try and learn from each step, there is no reason to looking back, it is this point we are now focusing on. I have really enjoyed writing as it as helped me to get to this point.

I decided to share the blog on Facebook, friends then shared it too, and it went into the search engines. I have met some really lovely people via the blog, from all over the world, and I just want to say, thank you for spending your time, and reading this, it means a lot, and thank you for all your lovely messages. I have really enjoyed it.

Writing has made me think about reading, I don't read much. Years ago I read this book, there was a part of this book that really stuck in my brain, so much, I can almost quote it,  "if you feel you have learnt everything in life then ask yourself this, are you still alive? if the answer is yes, then you haven't learnt everything yet".  Due to the emotional connection I made with the book, I decided to buy it again and re-read it. When I got to the end of the last chapter, it mentioned nothing about learning, and even more stranger, it was a completely different story. I was not sure what shocked me most,  the most important book I have ever read was not the book I thought it was,   or the conclusion that must mean I have actually read two books in my life! - if anyone knows which book this is from, please let me know.

This may sound a bit strange, but there is something good about cancer. I know that some people will find that statement not just controversial, but really offensive.  Even writing it feels highly disturbing for myself, but for me cancer has produced some good life lessons.  Don't get me wrong I wish this was one lesson I didn't have to learn, but I think if you try and get something from any situation, good or bad, then it has less power. Of course I could go on about what cancer as taught me, but that's not just a blog item, that's a book.

I have decided to end this blog as it has done what it was meant to do, to help me accept the situation I am in, and unlike the girl from France, I didn't want it to just end, with a air of mystery. If you have found this blog and you have just found yourself in the same situation, when you look into this type of cancer, and you find out what pancreatic cancer means, remember that everyone is different, and when they tell you or you find out the percentage of survival, don't accept it, challenge it, and do everything you can to do that, if you drive the doctors crazy by calling them to arrange appointments, do so. The charities are there for a reason, so use them, do research, keep an open mind, and really importantly while your doing all that, try your best to live your life too, and try and let it not just be all hospital appointments and worrying.

Deep down, I know why the reason the french girl never wrote again on her blog, and why she never contacted me, I guess it didn't end well. This blog doesn't end in the same way.

Last week I went for another scan, and got the results surprisingly the day after. The tumour has gone and my tumour blood count as come down dramatically, from 1700 to 41 (under 30 is normal) so technically, yet again due to chemo the cancer as gone again, this is the third time.

I know the situation and I know the chances are high that it will come back, but regarding chances, the chances are that I would not of got rid of this cancer in the first time, never mind three, and thats what i mean by don't accept it,

So whats next?

I am knackered from chemo so an holiday at some point soon.

I am doing my bit for the Pancreatic Cancer charity, we have recently done this video:

https://www.facebook.com/PancreaticCancerAction/videos/vb.135525579797385/1100267343323199/?type=2&theater

I enjoy this kind of thing,  and if it helps then its all good. The charity as contacted me saying that the PR company has asked if I can help them do some more, which I really enjoy so I will be. I will also will be doing more writing as i have also enjoyed writing this blog, I am not sure in what form.

But the main thing is, I feel its time to leave this blog behind. Thank you for reading and coming on this journey with me, and for helping me learn to get to this stage. To go back to the mystery book, and to go back to what I have learnt on this journey, I would say whatever you are doing now, whatever age you are, and whereever you are in life, go and enjoy, it's not about impressing the world, it's about doing things that make you happy, you are still alive, so keep been inquisitive and keep learning and with that, grow. I am also alive, and I am so excited about my future, there is so much I need to do, and there's so much I still need to learn, and that excites me.

Ikea's sales

Please go to my new website 

www.carldenning.com

Thank you 

Happy new year!

Well, HAPPY belated NEW YEAR!… . I have a New Years resolution  I’m trying to do and keep to…

“To give a f!!k a lot less!”

In fact, I wrote a entire blog piece about it, and really went in to description on why in life, its good to not give a f!!k!
After weeks of writing and re-editing,  I could not publish it as I was worried I might offend with the word f!!k!  - I could see the irony! Maybe I do give a f!!k

I will probably write more about this subject later. 

I  celebrated the new year by adding two to the number of many nights I have spent in hospital. I got one hell of a bug. 

I had my own room due to been infectious, my eyes were at the back of my head, and I was aware about the stroke of midnight due to the fireworks going off, but was not sure what it represented. 

I’m am back home now, and thank god, to a certain degree, so is my mind.  My eyes are back in my sockets, and my brain, with slight damage is back in my head, its was only a 24 hour bug, but it was intense 24 hour bug.

The nurses worked around the clock on me, by waking me up every hour to test my sugar in my blood, to make sure the insulin been injected into me was at the correct measure,  it was joy for all involved.

The choice of food was minimal from the hospital kitchen on New Years day, the catering staff told me that the kitchen had  skeleton staff on. When the dinner was revealed, I think the meat had come off that skeleton.

Its been an interesting time, I have done some filming with the BBC, and it is connected to this blog,  it is going to be on later in January and part of it involves me asking questions to shoppers. 

I was so exited to do it that I didn’t sleep the night before, so when it came to the day, I was out of it, all I had to do, was go up to shoppers, ask them if I could ask them some questions and read the question off a iPad. Due to lack of sleep, I seemed to lose the ability to read! 

It is going to be an interesting watch!

I am hoping that they may edit it so well, that they can make words into sentences, and I can’t really remember what I talked about, so they is potential that I could of made myself look dumb on national tv, but you know what, who cares!

It will be shown in the next few weeks and I really loved the experience of it, and met the lovely Gloria Hunniford and Chris Bavin. 

We went to Ikea stupidly in sales time! Just before the new year and just after Christmas. It was a strange experience, couples who had been together all Christmas, that had gone full circle from, "it will be good to have some time off together" to "...SO! ...When are you going back to work?" 

Each couple secretly cheered that they had gone though Christmas without falling out and all was calm! Until some bright spark decides that the best place to be in that moment in time, would be Ikea !!!

The most busisest place on the plannet. It was like a pressure cooker! Couples were having full on rows! People throwing soft furnishings at each other in Ikea fake rooms, I felt I was trespassing. 

Why come to Ikea in January? We all squeezed through the front door of Ikea's world of dreams! all of us with a little hope of utopia within our hears. After, what felt like days of walking, we all made it to the half way mark of the restaurant! 

That hope had shifted slightly to one that just hoped that one day, we will all see daylight. 

We went for food. I scanned the menu and it can be difficult to eat out now on my new diet. When we got to the serving hatch, I asked the lady if I could have peas instead of potato with my salmon? The lady asked if I was celiac? I said "no, its cancer!" she looked concerned,  and said, "There you go love" and she slipped a extra piece of salmon on my plate.

When I got to the till, the casher looked at my plate and asked why I had two piece of salmon, I know I could have said, I don't know! but I found myself explaining that I had told the lady I had cancer and she gave me an extra piece of salmon, - I did say it thinking he might have thrown in a free diam cake. He didn't fall for it, and the woman behind he didn't too, I heard her say, some people really milk it!

We had lunch, and it was time to swing our blue Ikea bags behind our backs and go out into the wild again. 

Now, I know what I am about to say is bad, its one of the many ugly parts of cancer, but when you have to go to the toliet you have to go! 

I know its not just me, because Macmillan's  now give out printed cards you can give to businesses saying - I have cancer, can I use your toilet. Its funny because if you do give someone one of them cards, they look at it for an age! its a shame that macmilans don't print on the other Side of the card, - forget it! I have just shit myself! 

Anyway, slightly gone off point, but when you need the loo, you need the loo! I was half way between the exit and the restaurant, I knew the nearest toilet was back at the entrance - I darted, almost throwing people out of the way - but I made it. 

The relief of making the toilet, suddenly turned to despair as I realised that to get back to the items I needed I had to start at the beginning and re-enter the frontdoor of Ikea's world of dreams! - we gave up and came home, some dreams are not worth holding on to!

Thank you for reading my blog, if you enjoy please click on one of the adverts.

Latest results and for Nan x

Nan, a lady from Hollywood who I have met via this blog has sent an email to ask why I haven't written my blog for quite a while - Sorry Nan! This is for you! And I hope all is well x 

I sometimes hide from the world, not really for any reason, not for any dramatic effect.  My brain seems to short circuit  and its then needs time to re-generate. I need to collect my thoughts.  But then, like Nan, friends and family get worried and I know sometimes questions like "is he dead?" are subliminally asked.  But at least when I'm back in the mood for talking, it gives me the opportunity to surprise everyone in a Den Watts fashion. (When I say that, i mean coming back from the dead, not the thing what he was court doing over the internet). 

I guess this is a form of depression. I do get down at times, and I don't like to write with that tone of voice, so I don't.  I try my best to pick myself up and remember what it's like to be ill, and then I can truly appreciate that moment of now, whatever that represents, whether it's being with Rob or taking the dogs for a walk, working at the market, being with family, listening to music, whatever I am doing right now, whatever it is, I know what it's like to fully appreciate that, and that can be really powerful. 

Nan was one of the blog readers that have tried to encouraged me to write a book, well.... I'm sorry Nan, I failed! I have written some words and then got bored, and started again, and yet again got bored, and so on.... After lots of boredom, I looked at the words I had written and scrapped the whole of the paragraph. Blar blar blar - cancer - blar blar blar - not well, and so on.  I started to write about what I wanted to write about and I found my writing seemed easer to write, which is a bit strange as cancer is the main subject, but by not writing about it seemed more fluid.

I have loved writing this blog, and I think my best writing is when I decide not to care and speak my truth. (Then go back into that writing, edit and take away any words where anyone could take you to court for slander and realise out of that 200 page essay, I only have a title). 

My health right now is this, it looks like the cancer has come back for the 5th time.  I have had a scan after my bloods had gone funny, they can't see anything on the scan, but the doctor has said we will have to keep an eye on my bloods as in the past, it has shown it has come back, so they expect that is the same again.  I will find out more in the next coming weeks.  Cancer research are following this with cameras and I think they may use it on "Stand up to cancer" on Channel four, I never get used to results, life seems very surreal.  But please don't feel sorry for me, having cancer five times is not something I am doing wrong, it's something I am doing right, I am still here. 

So, here you are Nan, here is the ideas of a very loose first chapter, hope you like x

........................

Dear Cancer,

Thank you...

Most will find it strange why I am saying thank you, you have pushed me close to death a handful of times now, you have made me gravely ill, you have punished my partner and family and friends for no reason at all, and I still say thank you!

You see you have have also introduced me to lots of people, amazing people, nurses looking after the sick, doctors trying to find a cure, charity workers giving their hours to challenge you, people running, getting sponsored, doing everything from meeting up with friends for coffee mornings to bathing in a bath of beans, putting change into a bucket, all of them creating an amazing network and making good, and showing the true meaning of humanity, all types of people, all religions and all doing things for people like me.  We seem to live in a time where only negatives are shown on the news, well, I am very grateful you have shown me the amount of good in all people.

You have shown me what to and what not to worry about. You have evolved me, challenged me, and grown me, you have shown me my strength, and with that, I am thankful.

You have made me realise that I can accept my fate, but with that acceptance I also know that I have the power to challenge it, and I also know that miracles are possible, and each day when I awake, this confirms that.

Cancer, you have made me who I am, and with that, I am eternally thankful, and now with respect, will you please fuck off!  We can both walk away from each other and still honour each other with distance between us.

Sadly, it doesn't seem to be working in that way, so... If we can't do that, let's try and live in union for as long as possible.

Yes, you cancer at times make me feel scared, and I have sometimes cried. But I have learnt that If you are scared, then you are about to do something brave, and that makes you even stronger than before, so let's all raise our glasses to cancer.

Carl....

Something strange happens to you when you join the cancer club.  If I see someone in the street that has no hair I want to run up to them and hi-fi them, I feel an instant connection.  I have never done this, I am worried they may tell me to piss off it's alopecia.  I find I now have this connection with people I don't know. They know what it's like, they know the stress, the sickness, the reactions from family and friends, they know what it can do mentally and physically, and with that, strangers that have never met can hold a deep knowledge, and a bond.

"You have cancer"

It's strange what happens to you when the doctor says those three little words. You take time to try and understand them, You have cancer! - I was sat up right in the hospital bed, my legs trapped under the hospital sheet, I was more yellow with jaundice than Homer Simpson.

I looked at the doctor, - "Am I going to live?".  My voice pitch hit a height that I had never heard me produce before.  I was asking a very serious question, probably the most serious question I had ever asked in my life, but in the style of a Bee Gee.  The doctor didn't answer, maybe he didn't hear me? Maybe due to my new voice, he thought I was taking the piss, I asked again, yet again, sounding like I had taken bin liner full of helium, "am I going to live?" Yet again, the doctor was silent.  I felt I was watching TV and that none of this was truly real, I looked at the doctor, waiting, maybe he was going to reveal the answer in an X-factor style, leave a bit of time, a close up of me, is he going to live, isn't he?  A sound of a very fast heart beat played as background noise.

The hospital curtains around the bed drop, a fan-fair plays, and a fireworks would go off - YES YOU ARE!  Suddenly I would leap from my bed, the jaundice would make me glo in the dark, I would sing the winners song, half way though the song the other contestants/patients would leave there beds and join in singing - But no, none of that, the doctor just stayed silent, it's probably a good job, as I can't sing.

I had a need to walk,  movement would help me get my head around what had just been told to me, get up and walk, get up and walk, sudden thoughts, rushed through my head, cancer, cancer?

Walking down the hospital corridor, the high-pitched child like voice had filtered into my body language, I was sucking the bottom of my t-shirt like it was a man-made fiber dummy. Wide eyed, people were looking at me like I had escaped the ward in which the patients had been sectioned. 

That was over three years ago, and a lot has happened in those three years.  I have become an expert of pancreatic cancer, I have seen what it does, I have felt what it can do and in a nutshell I have experienced the physical and emotional side, and I have seen how it can also effect family and friends, some have ran towards me and others I haven't seen since been told, but Its no ones fault, no ones other than cancer itself.  Everyone deals with cancer in thier own way, most people have a personal experience, and this reacts to how people respond to it.  My doctors have said that I have had so much chemo I must be super-human. It's funny as due to the chemo, I don't really feel human anymore. 

I was truly traumatised.  My brain started to shut down to deal with what was happening. Writing made me categorise my thoughts and put them in some sort of order, and it helped heal. You use what you can to deal and fight this, and that may mean just putting some words on paper, I was not going to win any awards for my writing, but to me, it helped more than I ever thought it would.

I started to write a blog, part autobiography, part therapy. One day, I was a fit, young and healthy man and today I'm not, and the stuff in the middle is a blur.  I  was 38 and worried about hitting the 40 mark and just getting older, I then got cancer, and now I'm 42, and can not really remember getting to 40! The situation as scrabbled my head.  I wrote a lot about "The situation" in the blog, I had such an issue to spell out what that situation was - and with time, it became easer.

The situation is this -  with pancreatic cancer only three percent of patients will be alive after five years.  The situation is, that I was one of the lucky ones I was one of the 20 percent that could be operable, but sadly I was one of the 80 percent that it comes back to, and if it comes back, there is nothing they can do about it. I am now in the situation that I have managed to get rid of it 4 times, I am going on to 4 years, the situation is unique.

It was a very personal blog, but then others started to read it.  It felt a bit vulnerable but my attention seeking side is far larger than my vulnerability so I carried it on, and it was nice to get encouragement to write more, "maybe you should write a book" was suggested.

I have done something cheeky, I wrote the first chapter, when I say chapter, it was a couple of paragraphs, I can't really describe it as a chapter and I then charged everyone to read it! Now! Before you all think I'm evil, the money went to Stand up to cancer. 

With the money going to charity I thought I would encourage me to write more, it didn't quite work. The thing is I have tried to write this now for ages, and, if I am going to be honest, it bores me! It bores me to write about cancer.  To try and encourage me I have read what others have wrote about the subject.  I would describe the genre as spiritual/depressing.  

I have struggled with what to write about.  I know this is not going to sell this writing but the subject matter really bores me!  I have looked at others that have written about cancer, and titles like "The Long Goodbye" are not titles I would run out to read. I start but never finish, and if I am bored about writing about it, then let's be honest, it's not a good sign for the reader. But one day, it clicked!  I want to write a cancer blog, but not about cancer! 

Having cancer has not all been bad. I never would have thought that I would be giving my point of view against the government for talking drugs off the cancer list publicly on channel four news, and been described as "articulate!" (I still have recorded everdence of this).  I never thought I would be in the papers and TV and feeling some form of power over this terrible diesiece, and this empowered me.  Mum and I have been on posters around the country for cancer research after a nasty reaction to chemo, as terrible as the reaction was, the poster was a strong image that helped the campaign.  I have shouted about pancreatic cancer, but if I am going to be honest, sometimes that shouting is hiding the screams.  A friend said I do talk a lot about it, well, let's just say, I am doing that as I am trying to get my head around it all still.

One of the many lessons I have learnt is to change that inner-voice. The one that tells us we are not good enough.  I have spoke to friends about this and it seems we all have this inner-voice, that first edits our thoughts, and with that, then changes our actions. I have learnt that if I can handle cancer then I am not letting that voice control my life in a negative way and since then, I have put my business up for awards, and put myself in situations that I would not have put myself due to the fear of failing or the fear of what others would think.  The inner-voice, has not become silent, it has simply change tactics.  Instead of it saying don't, it says do.. It's saying go for it.  It now allows me not to try and fit in, which gives the freedom to stand out.

As I am writing this, I am on a plane, flying back from Orlando. This was to celebrate time off chemo, and yet again my bloods going to normal,(sadly while editing I have learnt that the cancer as comeback for the 5th time)  this was now the 3rd lot of chemo, now let me quickly tell you about chemo, in not the greatest of details, but, wow! It can make you sick! And there is this thing called chemo brain.

How I would explain chemo brain is like this - I can not remember information stored in the past.  So, if I say where were you when Diana died, we automatically go into our stored information in our brain and pull it to the front, I now seem to have difficulty in doing this. Don't get me wrong, I know where I was when Diana died, I was on back of a motorbike in Paris taking pictures - too soon? I guess when there is information given to me, I find it hard now to store that information, so when this is required I'm not sure where to pull it from.

One of the great things about getting cancer is its now ok to have the right to take the piss out of it, i would not advice this in certain socail situations, believe it or not the cancer jokes go down better in the chemo ward but I don't recommend using in public. 

I do often play the cancer card! I have been upgraded in hotels, had queue jumps at theme parks, I have been excused of driving fines for driving in bus lanes. If you haven't got cancer, it may be in bad taste to use these to your advantage but if you have cancer, I recommend.

Anyway, so here it the start of my writing, - many pancreatic cancer things are about being ill and death, this isn't, this ones about rebelling against cancer and making it all about life, and living.

The biology of belief

Hello everyone,

Thank you, yet again for all your well wishes, I have been slow on the response which I apologise for. 

Treatment starts next week, so I have been busy having blood tests, getting ports fitted, scans to find out whats happening, all which I am currently waiting to find out the results.

As for now, it is looking like the cancer has gone to the outer edge of the liver, meaning this can not be ablated. This is not the best news, and I am waiting for the results of the latest scan to see if that is the case. If it is the case then my personal plan is this, to simply get rid of it again, can I do it? YES!   It won't be the first time to do the impossible, and I am confident.

I am really enjoying writing the book, and it is making me study certain questions, which I am still working on, but briefly been making notes on the subject.

Who was I before cancer, and who am I now? and what have I learnt. 

This blog item may irate some. I guess the subject matter is about holding up a mirror, and for us all to look at our own lives. What makes me such an expert? Why am I even writing about it?   I hope it does not come come across as arrogant, but if it does, well, thats fine.  I am thankful you are reading it, and I do think its a worthy subject matter to look at and debate, I won't let my ego get in the way.

I am still working on this question, but I want to try and share and write about it here. 

With chemo, it feels like I have to be ill for three to six months to then live for three to six months, and to put in layman terms, it has put me in a situation where I have to really work to then live, so with that I don't want to waste that time.

Some would say, but when me and Rob are sat watching some mindless rubbish on the television in our onesies! and just doing nothing then this is waisting time? It does not matter what you are doing, as long as your enjoying the moment.

I see life differently now, and I would say I see things more clearly, I am not sure if this is down to all the drugs and stress and in fact it is nothing to do with seeing things clearly, but more to do with I haven't got the brain cells any more to retain the information, making it clearer to understand. 

The only thing that would stop me writing the book is my health, and if that doesn't get in the way, then I will write it and I will get it published. I do not question my ability any more. Does this come across as arrogant?  It does not matter, because yet again, if i start to worry what others thought about me, then i would be placing that obstacle in my own way to stop me doing what I want to do. We all have that inner voice, what if this? and what if that?  Well... what if you choose what the inner voice said? How powerful would that be! I have chosen to be friends with my inner voice, we are taking on the world.

If bored some people create their own problems to entertain themselves, without realising it, I think I used to do this myself. This is very counter-productive and there are far more exciting things to do to entertain. 

Do we judge our worth by measuring it via others?  I know someone and they're great, they work very hard and everything that they own in life they have had to put the time in to get it. Then, stage left, someone has entered their lives, and it seems they have materialist items and they're a little bigger and better and with a lot less input. It drives my friend to distraction  and when talking about the subject, they become very animated. They can not see that this effects the way they enjoy all the things they have as it's now about all the things they haven't got. This is pointless, as there is always someone out there that has monetary value, and while your concentrating on the differences, you're not looking in the right direction of appreciating the things you have and the work you have put in to get it.

Fear not only controls us, but also contains us. The fear of letting go of a job that we are in that we don't like, and the consequences of leaving that job, how this would effect us and effect our family? Being in a relationship that we are in but not happy to be in. Fear of moving as the unknown is scary. As long as you survive the consequence, then its all relative.

These days life seems very surreal, but the situations have brought me to this point. I try and live life likes it's a film, I try and make it a great film, I put a power balled in the background - I control that inner voice, I don't let the inner voice control me and I try not to worry.

My treatment and my body sometimes stops me doing what I want to do, which is so frustrating. In the past, it was not my health that stopped me doing what I want to do, it was myself. If someone found a miracle cure for cancer, I would say that I would never live like that again and I would even go as far to say, that if I was cured then  cancer would have been the greatest gift on understanding the true value of life. Is it possible to pass that lesson on and write about it without going though the experience of it? That's the readers choice. You have the freedom to read or not. You have the freedom to make your own opinion, and the freedom to then put action from it or not.

Thanks for reading.

PS:

Hello, as you may know we are currently trying to get a pancreatic cancer drug back on the list.

Please sign the petition, and thank you very much.

https://www.change.org/p/don-t-stop-funding-only-drug-for-pancreatic-cancer/u/13957786

A brave new day - Chapter two

WOW!

What can I say - I asked if you could afford a small couple of quid to donate to  Stand up to cancer and my aim was expecting a very healthy £50 pound.

So far it is at £588!!!

Thank you so so much! I just didn't expect that, and I am very grateful and shocked, I am sorry if I haven't said THANK YOU personally so, yet again, thank you...

And as a thank you... I wanted to give the next chapter in with the same donation. If you haven't donated and you would like to, here are links to the 3 charities that have helped me and also made great changes.

Pancreatic Cancer Action
Our focus  is on improving early diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and improving the quality of life for those affected by pancreatic cancer. 

Pancreatic Cancer UK
Pancreatic Cancer UK is the only national charity fighting pancreatic cancer on all fronts: Support, Information, Campaigning and Research.

Stand up to cancer (Cancer Research)
Stand Up To Cancer’s (SU2C) mission is to raise funds to accelerate the pace of groundbreaking translational research that can get new therapies to patients quickly and save lives now.

Chapter two: - Nan





Sometimes in my mind I was not in that hospital bed, but in bed at my Nans house, 28 years ago. 

The radio playing as it did do on the small wicker table acting at a bedside cabinet. BBC radio Leeds playing classical music, and the tall handmade light stand giving a relaxing feeling, the room glowing slightly and I knew i was safe. 

My Nan would put her head around the door, turn the radio off, give me a kiss good night, and leave the landing light on, I didn't like the dark. 

A young, very concerned looking nurse woke me up. “Carl, we have noticed that you are losing quite a lot of blood, The surgeon is on his way in to see you, it is 2am, you have to go back into the high dependency unit”. 




It was only 2 days out of the high dependancy unit and 4 days after the operation, a mixture of the drugs wearing off from my operation the day before, and the morphine taking the current pain away was making me dazed and confused, but still I could tell that it was important what was happening, I could tell by the nurses face, her concern was deep. I could also tell by the way I felt and this was the closest to death I have been. 

I had lots of bottles attached to me, all collecting liquids from inside me from the aftermath of the operation which all had to be measured. Waking up, and falling back into sleep. I remember seeing my surgeon, he told me that I was losing quite a bit of blood and there was internal bleeding, I will have to be re-operated on. I was having a blood transfusion now and he was going to be back at 9am, he told the nurses that if my state changed, call him straight away. 

The NHS staff have always been amazing, a lot have become friends, but throughout my journey there are so many NHS staff that have really gone out of the way to help, and I am in awe of them. 

Later on that day, a doctors was giving me the pre-operation epidural, this paralyses the area so they can operate pain free. They tested if it was working by sticking a small pin into my chest and seeing if I felt the pain. I am not sure why I did this, I was confused by the blood loss and the medication.

I told them i could not feel it even though I could.

I went back in to be operated on for the second time in two days, and also for the second time I was being woken up to find out about some complications.  As the anaesthetist started to wake me up I drifted slowly back into our world, and slowly started to feel the large open wound across my stomach. I am not sure how I let the doctors know, when you have pain as intense as that, it almost acted like a barrier., your body goes into panic, the adrenaline kicks in, in my head i was bent over, but due to the scare that would have been impossible. 

One of the problems was that to stop the pain they needed to get morphine into my system but they can only give it at a certain amount per hour as too much too fast can kill. Gradually the pain started to lighten, and gradually the morphine was working. But at the time, it was this experience, even more than the cancer which had impacted me the most. 




2 months later




I sat alone in my car, outside my Nan's old house, she has been dead for over twelve years, it was close to midnight. I was trying to work it out, what the hell that was all about. 

Before I left the hospital, the specialist nurse told me that, when I leave hospital, that’s when it would all hit me. Wow, she was so right. I looked out of the car window, and looked at the house where my Nan used to live. When she was coming over to my parents’ house, Nan would be sat in the window, hat and coat at the ready, waiting for me and Mum to pick her up. We were never sure how many hours, or indeed days she was sat there ready, both me and my mother are never that good at keeping time, it could of been weeks! 

What I would give for her to open the door, and let me in, and explain what the hell was going on. I then for the first time broke down.

I spent quite a lot of time with my Nan, we were very close, our friendship was strong from my birth to her death, she was in her late eighties when she died, and i was early twenties. 

My Nan didn’t just give me love, she gave me reassurance and I felt safe at there. 

I never met my Granddad, as he died very young, and she was young too. My Nan brought her daughters up by herself.

My Nan’s name is Flo, short for Florence. Flo, due to circumstances was very much an independent woman before her time, but at the same time showing so much strength to bring her own family up single-handedly. She was also reserved and quiet and to me she was my Nana and she was amazing. If and when she sees me again, I just hope she approves. 

We used to go on days out, we would get up early, go to Leeds bus station and just get a bus. Now I realise we didn't go that far, but then, at the age I was, it felt like the longest bus journey ever, but I used to love it, because with my Nana, you didn't need the entertainment of an iPad. We had games like Beatle, where you had to shake a dice and each number represented a different part of a beatle and the first one to build a full body, 6 legs and head of a Beatle was the winner! Ok, like I said, they were long journeys, but ones that I have very fond memories of as I loved spending time with my Nan.

Our days out were through the summer months and started from when I was aged around seven and went well into my teens, we enjoyed each other’s company, and she used to walk and walk. 

I did have my Nana around my little finger a little bit, while all the kids at schools parents where failing at making the dick tracy island from blue peter, we were making successful Ouija boards! - When i say successful, it had letters and a glass, we would just sit there for hours, hands on the glass, and waiting. Is any body there? anybody? hello? anyone? the only thing I can say is, it made us both appreciate playing Beatle more! 

I got out of the car and went for a walk, tears still rolling down my eyes, I could barely work out that the place had gone downhill. The grass seemed overgrown and the area unkempt. What was I doing there? Is there an answer? I suddenly stood in some dog shit. Was this a sign from beyond the grave? Was my Nan trying to send a message, to confirm that I truly now am in the shit! I am not sure why, but this seemed to lighten my mood! While wiping my foot on the long grass, I stopped crying, I don’t think it was a message from Nan, but maybe it is a message! I went home...

So what have i learnt from this cancer experience? 

I have learnt if I went back time, I would stop smoking a lot earlier than I did, I would stop drinking alcohol, stop eating sugar, stop eating meat, dairy and become a nun, and then after all that, if i was waiting for the results, wearing a black gown, with a white collar and the doctor says “sorry its cancer” I would punch them and go back in time again and smoke more, drink more, each pure sugar, nibble on a dead animal, and wash it all down with a very large glass of meths, and depending on if the outfit suited me, then, maybe stay dressed as a nun. 

For the past few years I have been writing a blog, I am not one of life’s readers or writers, but it has its own art form. A few years ago It was confirmed I had dyslexia, and for a year went to a dyslexic college. But by writing things down I found really helped me deal with it all, and I really enjoyed it! 

I write to sometimes just get out of my system and i have found, for me, it’s the best way of therapy. I have had encouragement to write a book, so here it is! written slowly, bit by bit. 

When I was younger I did read a lot of self-help books, I loved them! I was not practicing them; I just wanted to believe in their magic. Some are great, some are well, imaginative but I have never read a bad one. Even the off the wall Louise Hay claiming by repeating affirmations to yourself can get rid of the most terrible dieses. I did give this ago when I was younger, did it get rid of my spots, well… to be fair the only thing it gave me was lock-jaw, but did it make me feel better about myself! well no…. but if anyone hears you in the bathroom repeating the words “I love myself and believe in myself” over and over again, you at least don’t get interrupted! A number of self-help books are about instinct, about following your head and heart, sometimes you may even question it yourself, but if you have an inclination that you have a hunch, just follow it. I am going to take that principle, to write this book, and if it doesn't work, well i will find out who wrote that book and we can both ask for a refund. 

My instinct is pointing me back to where my Nan lives, and I am not sure why.

A brave new day - Chapter one

I wanted to do something for 'Stand up to cancer', C4 to help collect money for Cancer Research 

https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning

Due to getting pancreatic cancer in 2012 and having surgery I am now not in a position to be able to do a sponsored marathon - a dash to the toilet may be a reachable challenge, so instead i have started to write a book.

This is the first chapter and due to it being the first draft, please expect this to be very rough,  it is an ongoing progress, so keep coming back and by magic the spelling mistakes should disappear, also any feedback would be great.

If you can, donate a little change and I may get away with my cheekiness (and if you cant, well don’t worry, by reading the blog gets the charity awareness), so thank you.

I have done a few things for the pancreatic cancer charitys which I will still do, and obviously it is my choice of charity, but I also see the benefits of Cancer Research UK's work.

I don’t want this to be a depressing read and due to asking for a small donation, the last thing you want is to be is depressed after reading, but it is hard to keep it up-beat due to the subject matter, but let me explain one of the reasons why it is a great charity. 

When I see young and younger people in the cancer hospital, it is upsetting. In the hospital last week I saw a young guy with his Mum, he was attached to a bag of chemo, and the way he looked at his Mum was one of reassurance for her.

I am in my forties and having cancer and the experience of the treatment has made me “grow up” (a little!).  So to have an idea of what someone is going through, and especially someone so young, recognising a facial expression and how this experience is effecting them is heartbreaking, but at the same time you can see their strength, now thats inspiration! In the hospital waiting for a scan was a baby. The staff were using some kind of breathing apparatus to manually help the baby breath, it was unsetting to see this, so I don’t know how the parents and family deal with it.

Every penny is a small step closer for the young and not so young not to go through this, - I promise I will do my best to try and keep this book as upbeat as i can, but at the same time, there is a serous side, and I know that, so I hope i also don’t offend by taking the lighthearted approach. 

When you see a picture of a frail looking girl on Facebook, with no hair, dressed in a gown, holding up a piece of paper saying, "10,000 Likes will get rid of my cancer" I'm sorry to say, its not true! its a lie, by liking that picture it will not save her life, by liking, Facebook does not give a dollar for her cancer drugs. It would be great if life was that simple.  If you are one of those people that have liked one of those posts, well don't worry, Im one of those people that said no to chemo, all i need is a large a1 sheet of paper and a black felt-tip, we all learn, sadly the only way we can all beat this terrible disease is hope that one day the professionals like cancer research will one day find the answer, and what we can do is help them do that.

I really hope you enjoy.

Chapter One

Hello, my name is Carl...

So, what is the point of you reading this book and me even writing it! well, in all honestly, I am still working on that one. I can tell you what I want it to be is a spiritual journey, about a 38 year old man dealing with getting pancreatic cancer  what he as learnt, and to pass those lessons to the readers, but the truth is, I still haven't worked out what lessons I have to learn from all this. 

There is something called “Chemo Brain” this is where chemo effects the way you think, the doctors have no proof it exists, they question if it is just down to stress. I may have no scientific proof that it exists, but believe me, I demonstrate its effects most of the time I'm awake, if you want proof then you find me walking around the high street wearing nothing but a rain coat, asking shoppers if they have seen my pigeon, this is not down to stress.

If you are looking for an inspiration cancer book then go buy Jade Goody or the nice lady off the OXO advert, as this book may not be for you, but if your looking for a book to read which is covered in spelling mistakes, terrible grammar, and not very politically correct about the situation i am now in, and want to come with me to try and find out what the hell I am suppose to learn from all this, then come with me, what is there to lose?

Money?  if published this will be in poundshop, so at least you haven't spent much. Time? I will write this, but i will make the font a little bigger just so it fills the whole of the five pages i have written.

If this is not going to be a tale of how i have dealt with pancreatic cancer at 38, then what the hell is it going to be about,I have never read a cancer book before, but is it just me the description of "Cancer Book" doesn't really make you want to run to WH Smiths.

I was thinking about writing a ‘Eat a carrot and cure cancer!' book,  I'm still thinking about it, if chapter two is a recipe that includes carrot and coriander soup, then you know i have changed my mind. 

I feel having the experience I have had from all of this, everything from been told I have pancreatic cancer to the effects after the event, my lessons in life should be in abundance and have an inspiration quality, and ones which I should be able to pass on to others, but right now i need a notebook to write important information for me to remember, like my own name. 

This book is going to be a journal of a journey. I am going to try and put the recently cancer experience I have recently had and try and put some context into this, and look for what i have learnt, to find this I am going to leave it to fate to take me to places where it may have the answers, and put myself into situations that i wold not usually put myself in. 

If you have got to this point, I'm guessing you have paid up, so now to bring the contract out, if yourself and myself haven't learnt anything by the end then, lets just call it, "Experimental" and move on, but after everything that has happened in the past 3 years, what have I learnt, my mind just goes blank, so the point is the book is to find the answer to that and to put myself in situations to find that answer.

I know its hard to believe but having cancer is not all about the glamour, I feel there are certain things that one should not share, this is one of those things. 

I didn't make the toilet in the supermarket last week, this as happened a couple of time. After asking the assistant where the toilet was and I running up 2 escalators and just before I walked into the toilet, I was free flowing, the only bonus I was in Marks and Spencer’s, which is just next door to Primark, where I could go and buy some cheap clothes,  and where I was probably not the only one walking around stinking of piss. 

I did go and try and dry myself in the toilets of Marks and Spencer, but I have never been so disappointed to see a Dyson hand drier. Its funny because when i have seen them in the past, i have been impressed, you always know when a toilet has made it, its when it has a Dyson,  it is one of the ones that you need to dip your hands into it to dry, sadly It was impossible to tip-toe and push my crotch into the hot air so instead I had to simply sit in the cubicle and hope that friction with a paper towel would dry a little. 

It was not the first time I had bought Primark trousers, the ones which were on me now were from there too, and the heat from the friction of the paper towel was not drying the urine, but was taking off the dye from the cheap trousers!  So even when i dried them a little , they still looked like i had peed! In this book I want to inspire and teach and also I want to write the truth, but the truth is I don’t behave like someone who inspires and teaches, always carry some spares and have a box of Tenner-lady is not inspirational. 

Before all this happened, life was normal, both me and my partner worked at my own business, I run a street food business, and I also work at O2 as a web developer, I went to the gym most days. I felt good.

On the 22nd of October 2012, a kind lady asked if I was ok. I was not sure if she recognised me from ward 42. One of the wards where she worked on, her job was the hospital cleaner. This is where i had been resident for the past week for a suspected gallstone issues. She may have just asked because she could see i was in shock.

I had lifted the bottom of my t.shirt and was sucking the hem, I was a 38 year old man acting like a 3 year old child. She never knew and still doesnt know the impact she had on me that morning. I don't really remember the words i said to her, but I remember hers, and they are more impact then what the doctor told me that morning, she said in a strong Yorkshire accent, "Well, you look a strong lad, you can handle it”, i stopped sucking my t.shirt, maybe she is right. Thank you kind lady, you really helped, and the following days and weeks and months, we were going to need as much help and strength as we could get.

When the doctor said cancer, it didn’t make any difference when they added the word ‘pancreatic' next to it.  I didn’t know anything about it, i should have known it was bad the way the doctors pronounced it,  almost whispered like it was an uncomfortable swear word that is highly offensive, and it is. 

Imaging asking a doctor in a serious voice, “Am I going to die?”, you cant? well don’t worry, as if its like the experience that I had, you won’t! I put a strange voice on when I asked. It was very high-pitched, it was almost someone asking a serious question about mortality and in the voice of Micky Mouse, even the doctor laughed! and when you ask that question, and they don’t answer, then, your voice goes even higher. 

We haven’t got children, we talk about it every now and then, but the 2 crazy uncles sounds more fitting than the 2 stressed out Dads. My partner is 9 years younger than me, and while I feel this experience at my age is heavy, I know even more so for him. We met about a one and half years before I got pancreatic cancer, he is VERY good looking, and i hope he doesn't mind me saying, is quite introvert, which those 2 elements are the oppersit description of myself. We had our civil partnership 2 years ago, it was very special.

It was a hot July and the day was perfect. Being two men getting married, it was not going to be a conventional weddings, so we had a picnic, with bails of hay for the adults to sit on and the kids to pull apart and play with, the food was plently. I own a street food business, so we were able to get some friends to cater for us, and the music was flowing as were the drinks, it was perfect, and everyone in the wedding photos glowed happiness, and i think the reason behind that was we all know that life was there to be celebrated.

I walked away from the lady and she carried on cleaning. I called Rob, I told him what i knew,  he made his way into the hospital. 

Making the phone calls and passing on messages to let everyone know that it was a bit more serous than the expected gallstones was hard, almost impossible to tell my parents, and step parents. 

The next few days where the strangest days we have ever had in our lives, all seemed very surreal. I think it was my bodies way of coping, everything slowed down, and blurred, Rob helped me walk from the hospital to the hairdressers, going to the hairdressers made sense at the time.

The hairdressers was asking all of the usual hairdresser questions, and seeing it was Friday, he threw a few of the Friday ones in, have I had a nice day, was I going on holiday, what plans did i have for the weekend, and I carried on as if all was OK, i gave the answers he expected, and all went smoothly, I don’t think it would have made a relaxed siting if I said, have I had a nice day? well, let me think, i got told I had cancer a couple of days ago, so not really, am I going on holiday, well, not now! whats my plans for the weekend, well, see that graveyard the other side of the road… I told him i was probably just relaxing for the weekend, and left a pound tip. 

I try and steer away from been a victim, even though I have fallen for acting in that way in the past. There was a gentleman in the flat above me where I used to live, and he sadly found out he had terminal cancer, it changed him. The area was not one of the best, and occasionally we  had to close the windows as local children like to play, throw the stones to see who gets annoyed first game, unfortunately the upstairs gentleman thought it was personal, and opened up his window and shouted, "I have cancer, and Im going to die” not only was he brave in dealing with his prognosis he also was brave for shouting at those children. They didn’t seem the type to reason, most of us would see a desperate ill man and show compassion, but then most of us would not be throwing stones at windows, they seemed to see weakness, and from there on decided to throw them at his window for the next few weeks. If it wasn’t cancer that was going to kill him, it was a brick. 

It was time to be taken into a room and told our options or lack of them. I saw some professional looking people in white coats looking at my MRI scan and then walk into the room, Both me and Rob were there. The main gentleman introduced himself Mr Al-Douri, he is the surgeon, he drew a picture of the pancreas. I could not even pronounce the word pancreatic at this stage.

He told me I have a twenty percent chance of it being operable, and the only way was to be operated to see if they can take it out, there is a one percent chance of death via the operation,  and if it was operable, i would still have a eighty percent chance of it coming back in the next few months, all in all, I had a three percent chance of surviving five years, and a one percent to survive ten. Most would not have been happy about the numbers but it meant I had a fighting chance and thats all we needed.

Two weeks later, It was time to go to see if I was able to be operable. 

This was no key-hole surgery, they essentially cut you across your abdomen to get to the pancreas at the back, If successful this is a ten hour operation, and if not, then Rob was waiting thought the day of getting a phone call to say. 

Rob looked at his phone, it was a Leeds number, and no one ever called him from Leeds, he answered, it was PPI - why do they ring at the wrong time, and just to prove this, it happened twice, both from Leeds numbers. 

The operation had been a success, there were compilations, which where quite bad, but all in all, it went well. Due to the complications I was in there for another 6 weeks, one of the nurses said to me, when you get out of here, thats when everything will hit you, and you may find it hard to deal with, she was right.

I had changed a lot in the past few weeks. I went from 13 stone to 9 stone. People react different to you when you start to look different and this is also a learning process, as its almost like you are finding yourself.

This was before the C plan (two months before)

This was after the C plan! Not sure which is worse the weight loss or the braces.

It has been a hard journey, but one where i have met some amazing people, which will now be life long friends.

So, now you know the basics of the situation that we are now in, this book will be about my past, my present and what I am going to do in the future to work it all out.

.......................................................

Thank you for reading, and if you can, please donate to https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning and if you have any ideas on where I should change this or any other advice please contact me on marketwraps@gmail.com

Thanks again

Carl x