BNP, Justin Bieber wigs and hypnotherapy

 

Now all my hair has fallen out, I do walk around with an hat on, but the top of my head is very sensitive, it's a strange sensation it feels like heat, so at times I take my hat off. I could be just paranoid but I am sure a small child called me baldy the other day in Poundland, we was with his parents and they didn't seem to say anything, I would like to think for my own ego is was inflicted by torretts, and it wasn't his fault. 

I look at myself in the mirror and can not decide if I look cancer victim or BNP member, Oh Christ! May be people think I look like a BNP cancer victim! 

I have been looking at men's wigs, and I am surprised about the choice.

   http://www.wigshow.co.uk/mens-kids-wigs/mens-wigs.html

There is even a Justin Bieber wig! I don't think I would suit that, I would look more like Elton John.

And there's these little numbers available. 

The above one doesn't look too bad, but I am not sure if his eyes distract me from the fact it's a bad wig.

They maybe a big choice but for now, I think I will stick with the BNP look. 

A friend posted this pic on Facebook...

*(copy written joke of Carrie Hall) 

So obviously there are a lot of physical changes happening to me, but at the same time psychological changes too.

In the blog I have talked about how I have built an association with the hosptal and feeling sick, so when I parked the car in any Muti-story I automatically felt sick as it reminded me of the Hosptal one, and anything that reminded me of the hospital I was or felt sick. Obviously this is all in the mind, and Rob suggested his friend who is a hypnotherapist.

Now I know she will read this so I hope I don't insult her but my first experience of hypnotherapy was not a convincing one. I had it when I was younger as I suffered from anxiety, and I was what the hypnotherapist called "hypnotised", personally I would of given it the more truthful description of "laid in a darken room with my eyes closed". I didn't want to tell her, as she seemed to get more out of it (not just £30 quid) than I did. I had to squeeze my finger every time I felt anxiety, I used to leave the hypnotherapist with a very sore finger! 

Also at a friends wedding (Rowan.'s) I was dragged up and was "hypnotised", when I was in a trance, he told me when he claps his hand, I would think I look and sound like Robbie Williams, so with the clap of his hand, I pulled a chair forward and danced and sang like Robbie Williams! Sorry Rowan, but I must admit, I was not hypnotised. So why did I do it? Because I KNOW I look and sound like Robbie Williams! It doesn't take hypnotherapy for me to know that! I think the reason why he picked Robbie Williams was he prob heard me singing Angels in the toilet and thought, Robbie is that you....

I have gone slightly off point here, so when Rob recommended Tracy, the hypnotherapist, I did think well there is nothing to lose! 

I am now so glad he did. Due to been ill at times we have done this over Skype. Tracy said she has not done this before and it may not work, I have had two so far, and I take it back about hypnotherapy. Even her voice seems to put me in a trance, and I can tell she puts a lot of work in before the treatment as it is very tailor-made. We are now not just working on my sickness, but how I am dealing with cancer and also even how my body is dealing with cancer.

Is it working? Well, I haven't been sick when talking about chemo, which I used to be, and after the sessions I feel great.

The last one Tracy said, you are in a lift, and you are on floor 0 and your going to floor 4, and the more you get closer the more relaxed you are. Now I got to floor 3 and I thought, it's not going to work this week, there is too much happening in my mind to be so relaxed and in a trance.

The next thing, Rob walks through the door and Tracy had to call him as it was an hour later and she could not wake me up! When Tracy told me what she had talked about it did ring a bell so it had gone in.

I am surprised to say, I am converted and I do recommended. Tracy is in the Rotherham area, but for me Skype works really well. 

 Tracy Is available for treatments and her number is: 07986 855991 (Tracy Woods)

And I am available for a bald BNP lookalike Robbie Williams tribute act, a must for kids party's. 

Never let a doctor sit next to you

A friend said the other day said about my blog and how can i make jokes up when I have to handle all this? and I started to think about that.

Personally I think people who only can understand what it is like to have cancer, are the people that have or have had cancer or the people around them.

For me, how I deal with having pancreatic cancer was this, at the very start, it was like getting hit by a bus, there is so much to take in, you are unable to retain and collect and compute all the information.

I think that when doctors are in training, they are trained on how to reveal bad news to patients, and one of the teaching is, when revealing bad news to a patient in a hospital, sit next to them and make them sure there on the same eye level as you, and then you can communicate the bad news.  I got to a point when the doctors where doing there rounds,  I would lie in bed with my legs spread apart so there were unable to sit down.

But after the dust settles of the total shock of been told you have cancer, after what the body as to go throw via operations then 6 months of chemo, and then the total shock of it coming back again, when that ton of dust settles eventually settles, I ask myself:

I'm not sure how I should be handling this too?

There is no real teachings on how you should behave in these situations, you have seen them in soaps and seen actors performing them but if I am honest, I am not sure how i should be acting, so you act yourself.

I was not sure how people would react to me without no hair, my mates have reacted how they would reacted if I had not lost my hair.... by taking the piss, and people in shopping centres have started to be nice and open doors for me and that kind of thing which i must admit a little, I have started to take advantage of this a little.

Writing about talking advantage! when Rob and me stayed in a hotel a few weeks ago, I did something shameful and please don't judge me on this! When placing the internet booking, I did put "I have cancer" under the dietary requirements, insane? yes probably, but it did get us a free upgrade and a bottle of champaign on arrival!

I guess what I am trying to say is, you learn to live with it and not to feel sorry for yourself or walk around devastated but actually live, yes we have bad days! we have days where we fall apart, but we mostly have good days, and those good days make it all worth it. 

Hair loss

A friend came to see me today and we were sat at the kitchen table when i looked down and saw some hair (which i thought was a bit minging).  I had just cleaned the kitchen so could not understand it.

I carried on talking and saw some hair in my eyes, i pulled it away and touched my head, the next this, half my hair fell out.

Now, i knew i would have hair loss, and it doesn't really bother me, there are bigger things to worry  about, but i didn't realise it would happen as dramatic as it did.

Its a bit like having a spot, you know you should not play with it, but you can not help yourself and each time i touched my head a shower of hair seem to fall down.

I decided to wash my hair and then brush it, not sure why as i haven't brushed my hair for 30 years, but it felt itchy.

I have been wearing a hat most of the night, and i was not going to put these photos on, but then i thought, what is the point of writing a blog about pancreatic cancer and the effects when i am going to hide what happens, and to be fair I'm glad i got to photo 4 and didn't stick to photo 3 for long!

This morning, when i noticed the hair falling

After washing it (the Rooney look) 

After drying it (the chuckle brother look)

after brushing it,  (the breaking bad look)

I did not realise that this would happen all in a day, and the lack of hair makes my ears look even bigger! I am not in pain, and i am not feeling sick. I did say it would not bother me losing my hair and it doesn't but the way it happened is quite symbolic and i think that is what upsets you more than the hair loss its self.  I am not sure if it is just hair loss or if i will also loss my facial hair, if i do I can at least pencil in some large expressive eyebrowes and freak people out in shopping centres purely for  entertainment, or when I'm angry i can pencil them slightly pointy.