A brave new day

I know what your thinking! Your thinking, wait a minute, didn't he promise that the last entry in this blog, was his last entry - well I am sorry to say, I am back! and sadly so is my cancer.

It is now in two places in my liver.

The doctors have said that its about containing the cancer, not getting rid - but I have been told this in the past, I plan to get rid of it again.

If you belittle the situation, then it doesnt seem such a big deal. Right now, I am trying to see it not as, ITS CANCER...AGAIN but more, Its only cancer, again...

It as taken the 4th time to get cancer to accept that pancreatic cancer will be part of my life, through my life, and that is fine.  By accepting this, does not take the right away to not challenge it's existence. It never get easer, I would say it gets harder, to not just physically take onboard what is happening but also the weight of it mentally.

After a scan and a trip to The London Clinic and then a meeting with my oncologist the conclusion was that there are 2 new tumours on my liver and the next step is to have a Pet scan.

The Pet scan will give a better image and show if the cancer is anywhere else and then the doctors can choose what is the best direction to go for the long term decision.

I will be having the Ablation/Nano-knife technology again. My doctor said that it is acting in a different way to how pancreatic cancer usually acts and in a good way, while many (including myself) say oh another tumour again! it seems the medical professionals are saying, well, only 2 tumours after 3 years of having this and it coming back 3 times is very positive.

I am not sleeping that much, this as nothing to do with worry or stress, but just the usual cancer pain, that only seems to come alive at night when you are trying to sleep, it is now almost 2am.

I have been helping out with the charities which I really enjoy.  I have been helping the Pancreatic Cancer Action charity. PCA  are one of the charities that are trying to get Abraxane (one of the chemo drugs) back on the NHS list after the government has taken some cancer drugs off the available list.

There is an disagreement on how much the cancer drug is and its worth, I feel that the debate for that is between the drug companies and the government, but the actual use of the drug is one of a personal issue and one that i can discuss.

This was me on channel four news:

and here is the article I did for Yorkshire Evening post

Here is the link for the petition, https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/107388 Thank you for all who have signed.

I was introduced to one of the production team of the new cancer research adverts that will be on TV this Christmas, and I may be on this.

So, for now thats the information I have, waiting for results from the Pet scan, and then from that the doctors will know the best direction to go.

As for the other stuff, I will continue to help with the charities as much as I can.

BNP, Justin Bieber wigs and hypnotherapy

 

Now all my hair has fallen out, I do walk around with an hat on, but the top of my head is very sensitive, it's a strange sensation it feels like heat, so at times I take my hat off. I could be just paranoid but I am sure a small child called me baldy the other day in Poundland, we was with his parents and they didn't seem to say anything, I would like to think for my own ego is was inflicted by torretts, and it wasn't his fault. 

I look at myself in the mirror and can not decide if I look cancer victim or BNP member, Oh Christ! May be people think I look like a BNP cancer victim! 

I have been looking at men's wigs, and I am surprised about the choice.

   http://www.wigshow.co.uk/mens-kids-wigs/mens-wigs.html

There is even a Justin Bieber wig! I don't think I would suit that, I would look more like Elton John.

And there's these little numbers available. 

The above one doesn't look too bad, but I am not sure if his eyes distract me from the fact it's a bad wig.

They maybe a big choice but for now, I think I will stick with the BNP look. 

A friend posted this pic on Facebook...

*(copy written joke of Carrie Hall) 

So obviously there are a lot of physical changes happening to me, but at the same time psychological changes too.

In the blog I have talked about how I have built an association with the hosptal and feeling sick, so when I parked the car in any Muti-story I automatically felt sick as it reminded me of the Hosptal one, and anything that reminded me of the hospital I was or felt sick. Obviously this is all in the mind, and Rob suggested his friend who is a hypnotherapist.

Now I know she will read this so I hope I don't insult her but my first experience of hypnotherapy was not a convincing one. I had it when I was younger as I suffered from anxiety, and I was what the hypnotherapist called "hypnotised", personally I would of given it the more truthful description of "laid in a darken room with my eyes closed". I didn't want to tell her, as she seemed to get more out of it (not just £30 quid) than I did. I had to squeeze my finger every time I felt anxiety, I used to leave the hypnotherapist with a very sore finger! 

Also at a friends wedding (Rowan.'s) I was dragged up and was "hypnotised", when I was in a trance, he told me when he claps his hand, I would think I look and sound like Robbie Williams, so with the clap of his hand, I pulled a chair forward and danced and sang like Robbie Williams! Sorry Rowan, but I must admit, I was not hypnotised. So why did I do it? Because I KNOW I look and sound like Robbie Williams! It doesn't take hypnotherapy for me to know that! I think the reason why he picked Robbie Williams was he prob heard me singing Angels in the toilet and thought, Robbie is that you....

I have gone slightly off point here, so when Rob recommended Tracy, the hypnotherapist, I did think well there is nothing to lose! 

I am now so glad he did. Due to been ill at times we have done this over Skype. Tracy said she has not done this before and it may not work, I have had two so far, and I take it back about hypnotherapy. Even her voice seems to put me in a trance, and I can tell she puts a lot of work in before the treatment as it is very tailor-made. We are now not just working on my sickness, but how I am dealing with cancer and also even how my body is dealing with cancer.

Is it working? Well, I haven't been sick when talking about chemo, which I used to be, and after the sessions I feel great.

The last one Tracy said, you are in a lift, and you are on floor 0 and your going to floor 4, and the more you get closer the more relaxed you are. Now I got to floor 3 and I thought, it's not going to work this week, there is too much happening in my mind to be so relaxed and in a trance.

The next thing, Rob walks through the door and Tracy had to call him as it was an hour later and she could not wake me up! When Tracy told me what she had talked about it did ring a bell so it had gone in.

I am surprised to say, I am converted and I do recommended. Tracy is in the Rotherham area, but for me Skype works really well. 

 Tracy Is available for treatments and her number is: 07986 855991 (Tracy Woods)

And I am available for a bald BNP lookalike Robbie Williams tribute act, a must for kids party's. 

News and Radio

I have been on the TV and the Radio today to talk about the Pancreatic Cancer Awareness month.

The TV interviewer asked me a question: How do I cope with this

I am not sure on the answer i have given, but i must admit thinking about it now, i just keep really busy.

TV interview here

Market Wraps seems to be getting busier! and i am now putting all my engery and time into this.

Personally I think this is how i deal with it all, if i go to a more darker side of my thoughts I then think about how I can push my business more.

There are so many thinks i am working on in the pipeline of market wraps, I am very excited about the future!

The work do!

Last night was the work Christmas do! It was a good night! I work with people that are not just my co-workers, they are also my friends. I did not drink as much as I would of usually drink, as it prob won't be good for my insides and emotionally I'm not sure what I would be like, also on many other work do, I end up dancing and making a prat of myself on a table.

So I ended up drinking slowly, there as been many of new feeling and experience lately and drinking
Slowly was one of them!, as I watched my friends go from sober to, well not so sober, it was nice to take a back seat and instead of jumping up and down to shaking Stevens and his one and only hit, to watch everyone else do it.

There was tears, not mine this time, but some of my work friends, I think the whole experience of this as made me realise that, away from who we are and what we think and what we own, we are all the same.

Throughout all of this in the past few week, I have been told how lucky I have been, this may sound bad, but I have never felt lucky! When I was told I could be operated, I think there is only a few that can be, it is ussual too late, but with the cloud of  'it could always come back' I have questioned how can this be lucky, but as I watched everyone enjoying themselfs, and people opening up more, and enjoying the Christmas party, I had a bit of a moment, and I realised why I was lucky, simply because I was lucky to be there.

Changes in last 12 months

My life has dramatically changed in the past 12 months.

I was 13 stone and ok in health, I went to the gym most days before getting told I had cancer   

I then lost 4 stone and it got to a point where I could not look in the mirror (and when I did it was all ears and teeth and eyes) it not only takes away your identity but also your confidence and there is also a voice saying a lost of confidence is the least of our worries. My partner was amazing though this time, you hear many story's that partners just can not deal with it all and walk away. Mine didn't and very glad that was the case as I am not sure how I could have not done this without him. 

For me, after cancer I dropped from a fit 13 stone to a ill 9 stone. I was all bones, it hurt when I sat in the bath, due to this I felt I had gone from 38 to 80. I could not walk far, at the start it was difficult to get out of bed.

It does return, I put my weight back on (in fat and not muscle) and I can not go to the gym, I cycle to work, and my confidence is better than it was a few months ago.

There're as been a lot of weight loss

And a lot of weight gain in the past few months 

I'm still getting used to the physical changes in the past 12 months and physiological changes too.

In the past twelve months I have also gone part time at work, this is something i would not of dared done before I got ill due to money, (and i still am not sure if I have done the right thing) but I have decided to concentrate more on my small street food business www.market-wraps.com 

Now it is hard work to do this, and i do get more tired than i used to do (I did run Market Wraps before I got ill, but i did not put as much time into it)

But, with something that you love to do, it does give you a purpose, and for me, keeping busy and active distracts you from  any of the negative thoughts that cancer can produce (dont get me wrong, i do have dark days and i can get depressed, but for me, my passion of running Market Wraps keeps me sane.

Theres been so many changes in me and my life, physically and mentally in the past 12 months that I can not write about all of them.

It seems that it has been a journey, that as changed me, for good and for bad.

Changes

There as been strange changes in me in the past few weeks, materialist goods don't seem that needed anymore.  It is Christmas and for the first time, I don't really need anything, I love gadgets, but as I look around currys, there is nothing that I really need or want.

Also another change, the things that used to stress me dont anymore, stressed at work? Get cancer! It does change your prospective on things, I feel in certain situations I'm more calm.

Me and my partner, we have never really argued, well, not much, but now, there is no point to arguing, we get wound up still, I guess more about the situation,  but somehow it feels it has made us even more closer.

Also, at the beginning it drove me  mad, from when I woke up to when I went to bed, the situation was always on my mind, and though out the day processed the information over and over again, that hasn't changed, but I guess learning to live with it has, it seems to get easer.

There as been some changes in others too, some people can not deal with it at all, I haven't heard much from them since this, I understand that, they are not sure what to say so it's easer to just not say anything.

There are also physical changes, I lost at the most 3 stone.  I would of discribed myself has stocky now I am very slim. I have started to put weight back on.

I guess the key to all this is ride Throghout all of the changes, because whatever changes happen, physical or mentally, with me or with others. Behind it all, everyone are still the same.