Robin Williams

At the age of 63, actor and comedian Robin Williams has died. The verdict was suicide.  In the press it was first speculated that is due to money problems, and then depression (which seems to state the obvious) it was then reported he was diagnosed with early stages of Parkinson's disease, this was not publicly known.

This made me think not so much about the physical aspects to a disease, but the mental view point. For me, this blog help me translate my feelings and emotions and once written down I can then categorise and put in some form of order.

When I left hospital after the operation, I was advised to have counseling to deal with the situation that I had a 80% chance that the cancer may come back, and if it did they would not be able to do anything about it. The nurse explained, when in hospital and getting told about having a disease, it is easier to cope with in the hospital environment due to the many distractions happening around the patient. It is not until vacating and the patient become the person again that they have time to think about things and then they have to deal with the changes within there life.

In the first counseling session I had to sign a contract to say if I talked about suicide with the councilor, they would  have to report this to the doctors.  I do understand why this is the case, this is not only for the care of the patient but also to protect the councilor too.

I think most people that have to face a disease that may limit your life or a disease that may dramatically change your lifestyle, myself included, may pull the suicide card out of the pack that represents the freedom of choice.

Don't get me wrong, for me and for most that card went into the, not an option pile, but still, the card was there.

Only Robin Williams knows what was going through his mind at the last moments of his life, it was obviously such a dark place, he, at that moment in time, just could not see anyway out. I know Parkinson's disease and Pancreatic cancer are very different beasts but I study that keeping a positive and optimistic mind on any disease is the answer? This is not an easy concept, and as I am writing this, there is a tug of war between my own thoughts.  How do you keep optimistic about facing a life limiting disease or a disease that makes you excessively disabled? You know, for me, some days, I simply feel rubbish, and by visualising a clown like face forcing "a positive and optimistic mind' onto myself would just want me to punch the clown!  But, on-balance, by admitting and allowing that some days you won't be optimistic or feel optimistic, allows and frees the days that you do.

Never let a doctor sit next to you

A friend said the other day said about my blog and how can i make jokes up when I have to handle all this? and I started to think about that.

Personally I think people who only can understand what it is like to have cancer, are the people that have or have had cancer or the people around them.

For me, how I deal with having pancreatic cancer was this, at the very start, it was like getting hit by a bus, there is so much to take in, you are unable to retain and collect and compute all the information.

I think that when doctors are in training, they are trained on how to reveal bad news to patients, and one of the teaching is, when revealing bad news to a patient in a hospital, sit next to them and make them sure there on the same eye level as you, and then you can communicate the bad news.  I got to a point when the doctors where doing there rounds,  I would lie in bed with my legs spread apart so there were unable to sit down.

But after the dust settles of the total shock of been told you have cancer, after what the body as to go throw via operations then 6 months of chemo, and then the total shock of it coming back again, when that ton of dust settles eventually settles, I ask myself:

I'm not sure how I should be handling this too?

There is no real teachings on how you should behave in these situations, you have seen them in soaps and seen actors performing them but if I am honest, I am not sure how i should be acting, so you act yourself.

I was not sure how people would react to me without no hair, my mates have reacted how they would reacted if I had not lost my hair.... by taking the piss, and people in shopping centres have started to be nice and open doors for me and that kind of thing which i must admit a little, I have started to take advantage of this a little.

Writing about talking advantage! when Rob and me stayed in a hotel a few weeks ago, I did something shameful and please don't judge me on this! When placing the internet booking, I did put "I have cancer" under the dietary requirements, insane? yes probably, but it did get us a free upgrade and a bottle of champaign on arrival!

I guess what I am trying to say is, you learn to live with it and not to feel sorry for yourself or walk around devastated but actually live, yes we have bad days! we have days where we fall apart, but we mostly have good days, and those good days make it all worth it.