Changes in last 12 months

My life has dramatically changed in the past 12 months.

I was 13 stone and ok in health, I went to the gym most days before getting told I had cancer   

I then lost 4 stone and it got to a point where I could not look in the mirror (and when I did it was all ears and teeth and eyes) it not only takes away your identity but also your confidence and there is also a voice saying a lost of confidence is the least of our worries. My partner was amazing though this time, you hear many story's that partners just can not deal with it all and walk away. Mine didn't and very glad that was the case as I am not sure how I could have not done this without him. 

For me, after cancer I dropped from a fit 13 stone to a ill 9 stone. I was all bones, it hurt when I sat in the bath, due to this I felt I had gone from 38 to 80. I could not walk far, at the start it was difficult to get out of bed.

It does return, I put my weight back on (in fat and not muscle) and I can not go to the gym, I cycle to work, and my confidence is better than it was a few months ago.

There're as been a lot of weight loss

And a lot of weight gain in the past few months 

I'm still getting used to the physical changes in the past 12 months and physiological changes too.

In the past twelve months I have also gone part time at work, this is something i would not of dared done before I got ill due to money, (and i still am not sure if I have done the right thing) but I have decided to concentrate more on my small street food business www.market-wraps.com 

Now it is hard work to do this, and i do get more tired than i used to do (I did run Market Wraps before I got ill, but i did not put as much time into it)

But, with something that you love to do, it does give you a purpose, and for me, keeping busy and active distracts you from  any of the negative thoughts that cancer can produce (dont get me wrong, i do have dark days and i can get depressed, but for me, my passion of running Market Wraps keeps me sane.

Theres been so many changes in me and my life, physically and mentally in the past 12 months that I can not write about all of them.

It seems that it has been a journey, that as changed me, for good and for bad.

After having pains under my rib cage on the right, and then turning a strange yellow colour that first made me look like Hommer Simpson, and then when my eyes turned yellow, i  just looked evil, I went to the doctors, after blood tests, I went to the hospital.

A week in hospital with expected gallstone issues,  (at 38 there was really nothing else it could of been) each test seemed to get more serious, each scan seemed more scary, the first scan was a ultra scan, the last one i was injected with a blue dye and I laid in a tube. 

They found it! The doctors came around the ward every morning, this morning they seemed to be more doctors than usual.

Each morning the doctor and the student doctors walk around each bed and say what is wrong with each patient, and the outcome.

When they got to me, they did the usual of pulling the curtains around the bed for privacy, but that's where it changed, there was a pause, they said do I want to know the results there, or else where.

I guess I knew that there was something wrong at this point, the doctor sat down on the bed, and told me they have found a lump on the pancrease.

I jumped up, and walked up and down, which due to the curtain been closed, was not much space, and five doctors been around the bed, my walking was not that far, the doctors opened the curtain and left.

Shock, Your head trys and fillters information, i stud in the hallway a nurse came, she was talking to me I told her that I can't have cancer,  my parter and i have just bought an house, life is good, we are moving In in the next few months.

In the next day or two I was told it was pancreatic cancer, I had never heard of it, I was calling it pacreasic for at least a week. I was told it was aggressive and I was lucky to be able to have an opperation, if that opperation was a success, and if it had not spread, then there is a 20 percent chance it may not come back.

My blog is about my new life now, part documentation part therapy, every time I have written a blog in the past it's never lasted more than one post! I hope this one lasts a long time.