News and Radio

I have been on the TV and the Radio today to talk about the Pancreatic Cancer Awareness month.

The TV interviewer asked me a question: How do I cope with this

I am not sure on the answer i have given, but i must admit thinking about it now, i just keep really busy.

TV interview here

Market Wraps seems to be getting busier! and i am now putting all my engery and time into this.

Personally I think this is how i deal with it all, if i go to a more darker side of my thoughts I then think about how I can push my business more.

There are so many thinks i am working on in the pipeline of market wraps, I am very excited about the future!

The work do!

Last night was the work Christmas do! It was a good night! I work with people that are not just my co-workers, they are also my friends. I did not drink as much as I would of usually drink, as it prob won't be good for my insides and emotionally I'm not sure what I would be like, also on many other work do, I end up dancing and making a prat of myself on a table.

So I ended up drinking slowly, there as been many of new feeling and experience lately and drinking
Slowly was one of them!, as I watched my friends go from sober to, well not so sober, it was nice to take a back seat and instead of jumping up and down to shaking Stevens and his one and only hit, to watch everyone else do it.

There was tears, not mine this time, but some of my work friends, I think the whole experience of this as made me realise that, away from who we are and what we think and what we own, we are all the same.

Throughout all of this in the past few week, I have been told how lucky I have been, this may sound bad, but I have never felt lucky! When I was told I could be operated, I think there is only a few that can be, it is ussual too late, but with the cloud of  'it could always come back' I have questioned how can this be lucky, but as I watched everyone enjoying themselfs, and people opening up more, and enjoying the Christmas party, I had a bit of a moment, and I realised why I was lucky, simply because I was lucky to be there.

Chemo time

Well! It's 5 day count down to chemo, it is a bit like been pushed off a cliff, I feel fine, I am going back to the gym, I'm getting out more, becoming stronger, so there is a child like part of me that thinks, why the hell have I got to have chemo, of course I know why, just feels strange to make myself sick while I am feeling well.

It is now 4.46 in the morning, I'm not sleeping very well. I get this strange sensation in my legs which  keeps me awake or wakes me up, It's called Restless Legs Syndrome, you can get it when iron is low in the blood so I'm guessing it's that. 


I have chosen to do a trial, I will be taking two types of chemo drugs, this may give me more chance of survival, just hoping it won't give me double the side effects.The chemo only lasts half an hour, some last a day, not sure what to expect, or how I'm going to feel after it. According to what I have looked up, if your on a trial, you get better service, they took blood test and Swobs and ct scan to see if I'm healthy enough.
I don't want to be ill and scare my family and partner and friends,I was talking about that in my counciling, I have started counciling, now there is a Yorkshire instinct I me that thinks, counciling! Pull your bloody socks up and get on with it! But I must admit it did help, it lasted an hour, I just talked about what happened, how I found out, and things which I have thought about a million times over, but in a room with a strange and saying it out aloud seemed to work.  I go there once a fortnight for 6 sessions. 



But behind the counciling, the blog, the meetings at macmillians, and the emails to others in the same situations, I guess I'm just trying to understand the situation.


It's now 5.23am.

What next.... life after cancer

I had a 4% chance of surving Pancreatic Cancer (over 5 years)

I am now 12 months after cancer, this is the situation im in:

I was told I had a 10% chance to be operable.

I was one of the lucky ones and it was operable.

The cancer now could come back, it has an 80% chance of coming back.

So, whats next and what do i do now after cancer?

The part which I find hard at times is whenever you are not well, or have some random pain, I call my specialist nurse, at this moment I have itching and I have become a bit worried about it.

I have had pains and whatever in the past, and I have then worried, then it just goes with time and I then forget, but when you have pain or itching or something that continually seems to just be there to remind you that things have changed and i am not in a normal situation, its hard. 

I think you have to just get on with it, accept and repect that this is not a normal situation and at times I may feel down or tired or sick, but also you have to live.

Its not easy, sometimes things get on top of me, but i try and look on the bright side, and there is a bright side.

I have gone part time at my job and turned to my passion of cooking to open up www.market-wraps.com

This take alot of time! (and energy) but at least it is better than thinking negative thoughts.

I see my business as playing, and when things get me down, personally i try and turn to, how can i push my business more, or how can i improve a recipy or make something better.

My check ups are now every 3 months, it always get a bit nervous around that time, but due to me going to the doctor for any pains i seem to be having more blood tests than every 3 months anyway.

Changes in last 12 months

My life has dramatically changed in the past 12 months.

I was 13 stone and ok in health, I went to the gym most days before getting told I had cancer   

I then lost 4 stone and it got to a point where I could not look in the mirror (and when I did it was all ears and teeth and eyes) it not only takes away your identity but also your confidence and there is also a voice saying a lost of confidence is the least of our worries. My partner was amazing though this time, you hear many story's that partners just can not deal with it all and walk away. Mine didn't and very glad that was the case as I am not sure how I could have not done this without him. 

For me, after cancer I dropped from a fit 13 stone to a ill 9 stone. I was all bones, it hurt when I sat in the bath, due to this I felt I had gone from 38 to 80. I could not walk far, at the start it was difficult to get out of bed.

It does return, I put my weight back on (in fat and not muscle) and I can not go to the gym, I cycle to work, and my confidence is better than it was a few months ago.

There're as been a lot of weight loss

And a lot of weight gain in the past few months 

I'm still getting used to the physical changes in the past 12 months and physiological changes too.

In the past twelve months I have also gone part time at work, this is something i would not of dared done before I got ill due to money, (and i still am not sure if I have done the right thing) but I have decided to concentrate more on my small street food business www.market-wraps.com 

Now it is hard work to do this, and i do get more tired than i used to do (I did run Market Wraps before I got ill, but i did not put as much time into it)

But, with something that you love to do, it does give you a purpose, and for me, keeping busy and active distracts you from  any of the negative thoughts that cancer can produce (dont get me wrong, i do have dark days and i can get depressed, but for me, my passion of running Market Wraps keeps me sane.

Theres been so many changes in me and my life, physically and mentally in the past 12 months that I can not write about all of them.

It seems that it has been a journey, that as changed me, for good and for bad.

A year on

It was one year annervercy last week that I found I had pancreatic cancer, I helped organised an event called street feastival! 

It was an aim to use my street food business "market wraps" to do some good and to give so thing back to the Yorkshire Cancer Centre and Pancreatic Cancer UK 

My original thought was to just give the profit to the 2 charities but proceedings seem to get bigger and my the time had come, not only was the venue pushing the event and organising singers and bands and DJs but also other street venders were getting behind the act too.

A company called Equal Experts also donated 1000 pound in raffle prizes.

We haven't counted the whole of the money yet, but it's looking like 1500 pound mark, which is not bad for a Friday night .

I

But for me on a very personal note, the day was as important not just to give something back but to also celebrated that I am still here. When I got told "it's cancer" that moment in time will always stick with me, it's when life changed, one year on, instead of tragedy, good happened and I am very thankful to all who helped create that good.

A few days before the event, I went down to St James to hand out some of the flyers. Due to the kind of light that only a late September can produce it made memory's come back to how I felt last September.  When I was walking up to the hospital I had to sit due to the lack of energy.  This was only a 5 minute walk up a slightly raised hill but to me at that point it was like climbing Everest. 

With this in mind you would think I would of ran into the hospital dropped the flyers and ran the hell out as quickly as possible (especially because I also still had 150 things to do before the event) but I didn't, I sat in the waiting area, but this time not waiting to see if it's cancer, or to see if it's operable or even to get my next round of chemo, this time I sat there not waiting for anything, just because for me it now not only feels safe, but also feels a part of me.

The cancer journey is not only one that involves the physical part, the operation, the chemo, but also invokes the physiological side too, the changes to yourself, your body, your views on life etc.

I sat there, and cried a little, only a little, I don't want you to imaging I was sat there like some type of mentalist screaming in tears in the waiting area, and I must admit if that was the case, it's all fine! But there is something now that for me feels very safe in the hospital. It was only a few months since I sat there, with my work mates as they collected money also for the hospital. We sat there to pose for a picture for there magazine.

Sorry for the blurred image, not sure why it saved like that.  

When I think back through the past year, it's all a blur really. I can not remember much about life before all this happened. Twelve months ago I said to the surgeon using my best baby voice "Am I going to die?", I don't know why I asked him in this voice, maybe because I wanted him to turn around and say "No, now dry your eyes and go and play" but he didn't, he just said, "I am not sure", the baby voice didn't work. But I know I'm lucky to be around now a year later.