A lot happening!

I was once in B&Q and was looking at the packet of seeds. We haven't got a garden but I was thinking about doing something with the space outside the house. I picked up my choice of seeds and was walking to the counter when it struck me that if it was down to probability,  I would not be around to see the seeds grow and turn to flower. I turned around, put the container back and left the shop crying like a baby, this was the wrong attitude.

To those who maybe reading this who have just found out they have pancreatic cancer, my advice is BUY THE SEEDS!  If I had, I could of seem them flower a few times by now.

I am having a scan a week on Friday, I get the results the following Thursday. My blood results show that the cancer as come back, but there are no tumours showing on the scan, yet. Whatever the scan results are I will be probably back on chemo soon, the doctors have said that it as come back looking at my bloods.

In life, so far, the world as had a funny way of showing me the right and wrong direction in life, been in a situation I am not happy with or was not right for me,  things have not gone in my way. I then have changed direction and things have magically turned and became positive, it may have taken time to get to that point, but it seems that it does. Almost like the world was working with me and not against.

While I have been collecting my thoughts about knowing the cancer has come back, I have tried to carry on as usual. While shopping at my local catering shop, Nisbets   I was given a receipt and was told that if i went online i would have a chance of winning a toaster. Trying to pull an expression like I was interested came natural, just like everyone else who had been served that morning, I knew as soon as I left the shop, the piece of paper wold be in the bin, but then I looked at the toaster! now this was no ordinary toaster! this was a see-through 150 quid magimix toaster.

Lee, one of my friends, had told me about this toaster! and we had one of many of our fascinating conversations, this one was on the subject of  how it must be nice to have a see-through toaster because you could see if your toast was at perfect tone, but not to the point that it cost £150 quid! Anyway! I imagined winning the toaster. I was not picturing me with a fancy toaster, but just the satisfaction of going on Facebook, making my status "Feeling blessed" which really means "Feeling smug!" and then tagging Lee.

I ran home as fast a I could, I was half an hour late as I went in the car, and when I got home I went online  and filled out the questionnaire. Two days later, i was called to be told I had won! and what colour did i want the toaster to be! I then remembered that Lee had left Facebook weeks ago! the disappointment!

Was it really that easy! I then heard a competition on Radio Aire, our local station, it was to win a 4 weeks advertisement package to advertise your business, which wold cost 1000s, eating my toast! I clicked on the link. Feeling optimistic for competitions, but also aware I was turing into an amateur  competition version of the very cleaver coupon kid, I decided to have another go and submit our catering trailer into the best looking trailer award in the yearly British street food award.

After my last chemo I knew i had to jump out of my bed fighting to get better again quickly, so, if the cancer came back, I would be fit enough to deal with it. I needed to carry on life as much as I could, as much as was possible, wanted to try and go back to some kind of normality, the problem been that the catering equipment was getting heavy. We decided to get a trailer, and I have spent a lot of time on this, we had it converted and then in my spare time i have tried to do it up! this as kept my mind active and in a better place, I have loved doing this. When i started to paint it black inside, i was worried that chemo brain had started to effect my judgement, but, standing back, it looks good.  So it was nice to get a tweet to say we have been shortlisted by Richard Johnson from the British Street Food as the best 13 looking trailers. This is ongoing and is on a online voting system, - if you would like to vote click here - and click on Market Wraps and vote and its as simple as that - THANK YOU


British street food awards - https://poll.fbapp.io/best-looking-mobiler-2016?from=user_link&ref_id=vwq9en

I got a phone call after the radio competition to say I had won! -  this goes out in the next few weeks.

I know that there are better times to push the business and plan for the future, but, you have to do the best with what you are given in life, and in a way, trust that. There is no point of not buying the seeds incase they don't grow, sometimes you just have to trust they will.
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Its come back!

This is one post i haven't really wanted to write.

A month or 2 ago i got a call saying that my blood ca-19 had gone up to 90, anything above 30 and they are worried.

I had a CT scan booked, i decided to carry on and still celebrate my birthday at the start of Dec 2013, it was my 40th, and we had planned to go to London.

It was a great weekend, the hotel was lovely, and i went to all the good markets of London, and ate a lot of street food, I loved it.

But when i got back to the hotel, i didn't feel that well, i thought it was due to a lack of sleep so with that i went to bed but woke up thirsty around 2am.

I was not sure if i was thirsty or felt sick, I went to the toilet and wanted to go,  my temperature suddenly rose and i fell off the toilet, i won't go into graphic accounts of the evening but my stools where foul smelling and bloody, i collapsed.

I awoke just as quickly and felt my temperature come back, with that the adrenalin kicked in and i stud up and called for an ambulance.

I spent 3 days in hospital, it looked like this was down to a burst blood veslal and had nothing to do with the cancer, but it had shown a 1.5cm mark on my liver.

I got back home and had another CT scan in Leeds, and this showed the same.

So, here we go again! i start chemo next week, 14th Jan, to say I'm nervous is an understatement.

But i will keep a recorded on how it all goes on here.

The work do!

Last night was the work Christmas do! It was a good night! I work with people that are not just my co-workers, they are also my friends. I did not drink as much as I would of usually drink, as it prob won't be good for my insides and emotionally I'm not sure what I would be like, also on many other work do, I end up dancing and making a prat of myself on a table.

So I ended up drinking slowly, there as been many of new feeling and experience lately and drinking
Slowly was one of them!, as I watched my friends go from sober to, well not so sober, it was nice to take a back seat and instead of jumping up and down to shaking Stevens and his one and only hit, to watch everyone else do it.

There was tears, not mine this time, but some of my work friends, I think the whole experience of this as made me realise that, away from who we are and what we think and what we own, we are all the same.

Throughout all of this in the past few week, I have been told how lucky I have been, this may sound bad, but I have never felt lucky! When I was told I could be operated, I think there is only a few that can be, it is ussual too late, but with the cloud of  'it could always come back' I have questioned how can this be lucky, but as I watched everyone enjoying themselfs, and people opening up more, and enjoying the Christmas party, I had a bit of a moment, and I realised why I was lucky, simply because I was lucky to be there.

What next.... life after cancer

I had a 4% chance of surving Pancreatic Cancer (over 5 years)

I am now 12 months after cancer, this is the situation im in:

I was told I had a 10% chance to be operable.

I was one of the lucky ones and it was operable.

The cancer now could come back, it has an 80% chance of coming back.

So, whats next and what do i do now after cancer?

The part which I find hard at times is whenever you are not well, or have some random pain, I call my specialist nurse, at this moment I have itching and I have become a bit worried about it.

I have had pains and whatever in the past, and I have then worried, then it just goes with time and I then forget, but when you have pain or itching or something that continually seems to just be there to remind you that things have changed and i am not in a normal situation, its hard. 

I think you have to just get on with it, accept and repect that this is not a normal situation and at times I may feel down or tired or sick, but also you have to live.

Its not easy, sometimes things get on top of me, but i try and look on the bright side, and there is a bright side.

I have gone part time at my job and turned to my passion of cooking to open up www.market-wraps.com

This take alot of time! (and energy) but at least it is better than thinking negative thoughts.

I see my business as playing, and when things get me down, personally i try and turn to, how can i push my business more, or how can i improve a recipy or make something better.

My check ups are now every 3 months, it always get a bit nervous around that time, but due to me going to the doctor for any pains i seem to be having more blood tests than every 3 months anyway.

Changes in last 12 months

My life has dramatically changed in the past 12 months.

I was 13 stone and ok in health, I went to the gym most days before getting told I had cancer   

I then lost 4 stone and it got to a point where I could not look in the mirror (and when I did it was all ears and teeth and eyes) it not only takes away your identity but also your confidence and there is also a voice saying a lost of confidence is the least of our worries. My partner was amazing though this time, you hear many story's that partners just can not deal with it all and walk away. Mine didn't and very glad that was the case as I am not sure how I could have not done this without him. 

For me, after cancer I dropped from a fit 13 stone to a ill 9 stone. I was all bones, it hurt when I sat in the bath, due to this I felt I had gone from 38 to 80. I could not walk far, at the start it was difficult to get out of bed.

It does return, I put my weight back on (in fat and not muscle) and I can not go to the gym, I cycle to work, and my confidence is better than it was a few months ago.

There're as been a lot of weight loss

And a lot of weight gain in the past few months 

I'm still getting used to the physical changes in the past 12 months and physiological changes too.

In the past twelve months I have also gone part time at work, this is something i would not of dared done before I got ill due to money, (and i still am not sure if I have done the right thing) but I have decided to concentrate more on my small street food business www.market-wraps.com 

Now it is hard work to do this, and i do get more tired than i used to do (I did run Market Wraps before I got ill, but i did not put as much time into it)

But, with something that you love to do, it does give you a purpose, and for me, keeping busy and active distracts you from  any of the negative thoughts that cancer can produce (dont get me wrong, i do have dark days and i can get depressed, but for me, my passion of running Market Wraps keeps me sane.

Theres been so many changes in me and my life, physically and mentally in the past 12 months that I can not write about all of them.

It seems that it has been a journey, that as changed me, for good and for bad.