The biology of belief

Hello everyone,

Thank you, yet again for all your well wishes, I have been slow on the response which I apologise for. 

Treatment starts next week, so I have been busy having blood tests, getting ports fitted, scans to find out whats happening, all which I am currently waiting to find out the results.

As for now, it is looking like the cancer has gone to the outer edge of the liver, meaning this can not be ablated. This is not the best news, and I am waiting for the results of the latest scan to see if that is the case. If it is the case then my personal plan is this, to simply get rid of it again, can I do it? YES!   It won't be the first time to do the impossible, and I am confident.

I am really enjoying writing the book, and it is making me study certain questions, which I am still working on, but briefly been making notes on the subject.

Who was I before cancer, and who am I now? and what have I learnt. 

This blog item may irate some. I guess the subject matter is about holding up a mirror, and for us all to look at our own lives. What makes me such an expert? Why am I even writing about it?   I hope it does not come come across as arrogant, but if it does, well, thats fine.  I am thankful you are reading it, and I do think its a worthy subject matter to look at and debate, I won't let my ego get in the way.

I am still working on this question, but I want to try and share and write about it here. 

With chemo, it feels like I have to be ill for three to six months to then live for three to six months, and to put in layman terms, it has put me in a situation where I have to really work to then live, so with that I don't want to waste that time.

Some would say, but when me and Rob are sat watching some mindless rubbish on the television in our onesies! and just doing nothing then this is waisting time? It does not matter what you are doing, as long as your enjoying the moment.

I see life differently now, and I would say I see things more clearly, I am not sure if this is down to all the drugs and stress and in fact it is nothing to do with seeing things clearly, but more to do with I haven't got the brain cells any more to retain the information, making it clearer to understand. 

The only thing that would stop me writing the book is my health, and if that doesn't get in the way, then I will write it and I will get it published. I do not question my ability any more. Does this come across as arrogant?  It does not matter, because yet again, if i start to worry what others thought about me, then i would be placing that obstacle in my own way to stop me doing what I want to do. We all have that inner voice, what if this? and what if that?  Well... what if you choose what the inner voice said? How powerful would that be! I have chosen to be friends with my inner voice, we are taking on the world.

If bored some people create their own problems to entertain themselves, without realising it, I think I used to do this myself. This is very counter-productive and there are far more exciting things to do to entertain. 

Do we judge our worth by measuring it via others?  I know someone and they're great, they work very hard and everything that they own in life they have had to put the time in to get it. Then, stage left, someone has entered their lives, and it seems they have materialist items and they're a little bigger and better and with a lot less input. It drives my friend to distraction  and when talking about the subject, they become very animated. They can not see that this effects the way they enjoy all the things they have as it's now about all the things they haven't got. This is pointless, as there is always someone out there that has monetary value, and while your concentrating on the differences, you're not looking in the right direction of appreciating the things you have and the work you have put in to get it.

Fear not only controls us, but also contains us. The fear of letting go of a job that we are in that we don't like, and the consequences of leaving that job, how this would effect us and effect our family? Being in a relationship that we are in but not happy to be in. Fear of moving as the unknown is scary. As long as you survive the consequence, then its all relative.

These days life seems very surreal, but the situations have brought me to this point. I try and live life likes it's a film, I try and make it a great film, I put a power balled in the background - I control that inner voice, I don't let the inner voice control me and I try not to worry.

My treatment and my body sometimes stops me doing what I want to do, which is so frustrating. In the past, it was not my health that stopped me doing what I want to do, it was myself. If someone found a miracle cure for cancer, I would say that I would never live like that again and I would even go as far to say, that if I was cured then  cancer would have been the greatest gift on understanding the true value of life. Is it possible to pass that lesson on and write about it without going though the experience of it? That's the readers choice. You have the freedom to read or not. You have the freedom to make your own opinion, and the freedom to then put action from it or not.

Thanks for reading.

PS:

Hello, as you may know we are currently trying to get a pancreatic cancer drug back on the list.

Please sign the petition, and thank you very much.

https://www.change.org/p/don-t-stop-funding-only-drug-for-pancreatic-cancer/u/13957786

Gardening, Comedy, and God!

Rob and I went to B&Q, just before my last chemo. My white cells have been down meaning I can more easily pick up colds, so when Rob was looking around the outdoor area I kept warm and stayed indoors. I was walking down the aisle and was looking at the plants. I used to do a bit of gardening when I lived in the last flat, I wasn’t very good.

But with a bit of time, and patience, the plants started to grow and the balcony looked great, ivy was even climbing the wall, and the smell of the herb garden was full. Even more scary, I realised I had hit the grand age where you are happy to say, “I enjoy gardening”!

 I don't want to write about negative things, and also I don't want to upset anyone, but at times, you get down, and at that point, in the middle of B&Q, I felt a deep sadness. I wanted to grow plants again, but at that moment in time I felt I wouldn’t know if I would see the flowers bloom.

A friend in the past has said that I don't live enough in the now and I plan too much for tomorrow. I guess what they meant is, always planning something with my street food business etc.

Cancer violently throws you into a position where you suddenly live in the now, I don't really plan beyond next week. We should all live in the now as we do not know what is around the corner and cancer has made me appreciate this even more, and we should all take some time out of the day just to stop and just really be thankful for that day. But do you know what?

I can’t just live for the day any longer, I have a need, and that need is to try and put a bit of normality back into my life and that means put a bit of planning back into my life, we should all live for today, but also plan for tomorrow. Due to sickness from my chemo, the doctors and the hospital appointments, forward planning is limited, but not impossible. Suddenly with this new train of thought I feel very free - the freedom to plan.

Something has changed in me recently, as you may know yesterday I was in London having the RF ablation procedure, (not NanoKnife as I keep calling it)  which I will blog about later.

I’ve been quite passive in the fight of cancer - the doctors tell me to take this pill and have this bag of chemo injected into my system and Rob tells me to take this vitamin pill etc, and I do it. But I do what I get told to do, I’m not very active in finding out what I should be doing myself.

 A lady has contacted me via email this week (and I hope she doesn't mind me saying), called Annette, and Annette's family are going through the same stuff as Rob and our families are going through. Annette has said:

"Up until now we have all found it hard to smile but listening and reading things from you and Rob has lightened our spirit. We will continue to follow you both closely and thanks for being such great guys. Everything crossed for you and hope to keep in touch."

What a nice thing to say!

Annette also sent me a video of a gentleman who has pancreatic cancer and is trying all types of alternative medicine and he’s surviving.

This has made me think, and give myself a bit of a kick up the arse, stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with the things I need to, things like planning to live for tomorrow.

Many years ago I used to perform stand-up comedy, this was when I lived in London when I was 19, so many many years ago. A couple of years ago I did try it again, and still enjoyed it, but holding down a full time job and then travelling to get to a gig and then staying ‘til late was exhausting, I started running the market stall and the gigs got less and less. But this week I saw that Matt Lucas had been tweeting and pushing awareness of pancreatic cancer. When I was in London, our paths crossed a few times as we were both were doing open mic nights. Matt was doing a character called "Sir Bernard Chumley" a very professional and polished act, and my act was more, I don't know, more panic attack! Sometimes it worked and then sometimes it involved 80 words a second, and my 10 minute act fitted into a sentence and the audience, well some of them gave me benefit of the doubt and thought it’s not quite comedy, but maybe it’s an art form when the others just thought it was just shit!

 I said hello to Matt and thanked him for the pancreatic cancer awareness tweets, he tweeted back and said “Wishing you all the best x”. I have started to think more about that time and like I said, some gigs it worked and some gigs it didn't. I celebrated the good ones and kicked myself on the bad, but I now realise by living in the now but planning for tomorrow - as long as there’s enjoyment what does it matter? And without the bad gigs you don’t know if the jokes work or not.

So it doesn’t really matter. I’ve decided to get one or two gigs and do it purely for fun so if there are any of my comedy friends reading this, I am writing some new material and if you know of any open mic spots or comedy nights, please give me a shout.

More importantly, I have changed my mind, and with this, I went back to B&Q, and bought some plants. I now understand that I will not only enjoy the flowers when they bloom but also when they’re growing.

Tomorrow is chemo day! I saw one of the doctors yesterday, due to not having a car, and I am leaning on everyone right now, so my Mum came with me, the doctor asked in an round about way, if I was relying too much on my Mum, and maybe I should get out of bed when sick and exorcise for half an hour.  I am not sure if they fully understand the state I get in when sick.  I am nervous about tomorrow.

My cleaner, who is a really nice person, asked if I had ever turned to God, and even if I did just invite him in, I would be surprised.

Now, i am very opened minded about this kind of thing, and when I was young, I did go to Sunday School every week, until one week when cycling back I was hit by a car and decided that it was a sign of God and never went back after that. So I took my cleaners advice and I have invited him in!

I was NOT stud in the rain outside, naked, in a field, with thunder and lighting at the time, I think the invite happened half way though Judge Judy. Now this was about 4 weeks ago now, and so far a God like person as not knocked at the door, may be I should of done it in a field.