tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75878239010825533202024-02-06T21:43:26.278-08:00 Humour in a tumour Trying to find the possitve in the Life of a 40 somthing year old that has pancreatic cancer.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-23167930593313357622017-02-02T19:30:00.000-08:002017-02-02T19:30:11.311-08:00Last post.<br />
Please go to my new website<br />
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<a href="http://www.carldenning.com/">www.carldenning.com</a></div>
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Thank you </div>
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I think this is going to be my last blog post.<br />
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It is around 2 and a half years ago when I was told I had Pancreatic cancer. Both on a spiritual and physical level, a lot has changed.<br />
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One of my first reactions was to desperately seek someone in this dire situation. I went online, and found a french girl who had pancreatic cancer. She had not updated her blog for a couple of months, there was no clue in her writing what she was doing. I sent her an email, she never replied.<br />
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I guess she gave me the insperation to write my own blog. I found it easer to write knowing it was a private blog, this gave me the freedom to write with honesty, and if i was going to be judged, it would not matter as whoever was reading it would not know me anyway. I am not good at spelling, but it was not about my spelling, it was simply about learning how to cope with the situation I was now in. Those early days were very dark, I didn't sleep much and when I did I had to wake up to the cancer shock every day. I am not like that, its now not the first thought I have in a morning anymore.<br />
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I never go back and read what I have written in the past. The past few years have been a challenge, we have seemed to have staggered through it, and each time I have tripped, we have done our best to brush ourselves down and just get on with it, and we have do our best to try and learn from each step, there is no reason to looking back, it is this point we are now focusing on. I have really enjoyed writing as it as helped me to get to this point.<br />
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I decided to share the blog on Facebook, friends then shared it too, and it went into the search engines. I have met some really lovely people via the blog, from all over the world, and I just want to say, thank you for spending your time, and reading this, it means a lot, and thank you for all your lovely messages. I have really enjoyed it.<br />
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Writing has made me think about reading, I don't read much. Years ago I read this book, there was a part of this book that really stuck in my brain, so much, I can almost quote it, "if you feel you have learnt everything in life then ask yourself this, are you still alive? if the answer is yes, then you haven't learnt everything yet". Due to the emotional connection I made with the book, I decided to buy it again and re-read it. When I got to the end of the last chapter, it mentioned nothing about learning, and even more stranger, it was a completely different story. I was not sure what shocked me most, the most important book I have ever read was not the book I thought it was, or the conclusion that must mean I have actually read two books in my life! - if anyone knows which book this is from, please let me know.<br />
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This may sound a bit strange, but there is something good about cancer. I know that some people will find that statement not just controversial, but really offensive. Even writing it feels highly disturbing for myself, but for me cancer has produced some good life lessons. Don't get me wrong I wish this was one lesson I didn't have to learn, but I think if you try and get something from any situation, good or bad, then it has less power. Of course I could go on about what cancer as taught me, but that's not just a blog item, that's a book.<br />
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I have decided to end this blog as it has done what it was meant to do, to help me accept the situation I am in, and unlike the girl from France, I didn't want it to just end, with a air of mystery. If you have found this blog and you have just found yourself in the same situation, when you look into this type of cancer, and you find out what pancreatic cancer means, remember that everyone is different, and when they tell you or you find out the percentage of survival, don't accept it, challenge it, and do everything you can to do that, if you drive the doctors crazy by calling them to arrange appointments, do so. The charities are there for a reason, so use them, do research, keep an open mind, and really importantly while your doing all that, try your best to live your life too, and try and let it not just be all hospital appointments and worrying.<br />
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Deep down, I know why the reason the french girl never wrote again on her blog, and why she never contacted me, I guess it didn't end well. This blog doesn't end in the same way.<br />
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Last week I went for another scan, and got the results surprisingly the day after. The tumour has gone and my tumour blood count as come down dramatically, from 1700 to 41 (under 30 is normal) so technically, yet again due to chemo the cancer as gone again, this is the third time.<br />
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I know the situation and I know the chances are high that it will come back, but regarding chances, the chances are that I would not of got rid of this cancer in the first time, never mind three, and thats what i mean by don't accept it,<br />
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So whats next?<br />
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I am knackered from chemo so an holiday at some point soon.<br />
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I am doing my bit for the Pancreatic Cancer charity, we have recently done this video:<br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/PancreaticCancerAction/videos/vb.135525579797385/1100267343323199/?type=2&theater">https://www.facebook.com/PancreaticCancerAction/videos/vb.135525579797385/1100267343323199/?type=2&theater</a><br />
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I enjoy this kind of thing, and if it helps then its all good. The charity as contacted me saying that the PR company has asked if I can help them do some more, which I really enjoy so I will be. I will also will be doing more writing as i have also enjoyed writing this blog, I am not sure in what form.<br />
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But the main thing is, I feel its time to leave this blog behind. Thank you for reading and coming on this journey with me, and for helping me learn to get to this stage. To go back to the mystery book, and to go back to what I have learnt on this journey, I would say whatever you are doing now, whatever age you are, and whereever you are in life, go and enjoy, it's not about impressing the world, it's about doing things that make you happy, you are still alive, so keep been inquisitive and keep learning and with that, grow. I am also alive, and I am so excited about my future, there is so much I need to do, and there's so much I still need to learn, and that excites me.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-70359063757968310402017-02-02T17:02:00.001-08:002017-02-02T19:27:57.028-08:00New sitePlease go to my new website<br />
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<a href="http://www.carldenning.com/">www.carldenning.com</a></div>
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Thank you </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-29157226262939962802017-01-18T06:09:00.000-08:002017-02-02T19:28:47.932-08:00Ikea's sales<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
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Please go to my new website </div>
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<a href="http://www.carldenning.com/">www.carldenning.com</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">Thank you </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Happy new year!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, HAPPY belated NEW YEAR!… . I have a New Years resolution I’m trying to do and keep to…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">“To give a f!!k a lot less!”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In fact, I wrote a entire blog piece about it, and really went in to description on why in life, its good to not give a f!!k!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">After weeks of writing and re-editing, I could not publish it as I was worried I might offend with the word f!!k! - I could see the irony! Maybe I do give a f!!k</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I will probably write more about this subject later. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I celebrated the new year by adding two to the number of many nights I have spent in hospital. I got one hell of a bug. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I had my own room due to been infectious, my eyes were at the back of my head, and I was aware about the stroke of midnight due to the fireworks going off, but was not sure what it represented. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I’m am back home now, and thank god, to a certain degree, so is my mind. M</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">y eyes are back in my sockets, and my brain, with slight damage is back in my head, its was only a 24 hour bug, but it was intense 24 hour bug.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The nurses worked around the clock on me, by waking me up every hour to test my sugar in my blood, to make sure the insulin been injected into me was at the correct measure, it was joy for all involved.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The choice of food was minimal from the hospital kitchen on New Years day, the catering staff told me that the kitchen had skeleton staff on. When the dinner was revealed, I think the meat had come off that skeleton.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Its been an interesting time, I have done some filming with the BBC, and it is connected to this blog, it is going to be on later in January and part of it involves me asking questions to shoppers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I was so exited to do it that I didn’t sleep the night before, so when it came to the day, I was out of it, all I had to do, was go up to shoppers, ask them if I could ask them some questions and read the question off a iPad. Due to lack of sleep, I seemed to lose the ability to read! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">going to be an interesting watch!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am hoping that they may edit it so well, that they can make words into sentences, and I can’t really remember what I talked about, so they is potential that I could of made myself look dumb on national tv, but you know what, who cares!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It will be shown in the next few weeks and I really loved the experience of it, and met the lovely Gloria Hunniford and Chris Bavin. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We went to Ikea stupidly in sales time! Just before the new year and just after Christmas. It was a strange experience, couples who had been together all Christmas, that had gone full circle from, "it will be good to have some time off together" to "...SO! ...When are you going back to work?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Each couple secretly cheered that they had gone though Christmas without falling out and all was calm! Until some bright spark decides that the best place to be in that moment in time, would be Ikea !!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The most busisest place on the plannet. It was like a pressure cooker! Couples were having full on rows! People throwing soft furnishings at each other in Ikea fake rooms, I felt I was trespassing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why come to Ikea in January? We all squeezed through the front door of Ikea's world of dreams! all of us with a little hope of utopia within our hears. A</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">fter, what felt like days of walking, we all made it to the half way mark of the restaurant! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That hope had shifted slightly to one that just hoped that one day, we will all see daylight. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We went for food. I scanned the menu and it can be difficult to eat out now on my new diet. When we got to the serving hatch, I asked the lady if I could have peas instead of potato with my salmon? The lady asked if I was celiac? I said "no, its cancer!" she looked concerned, and said, "There you go love" and she slipped a extra piece of salmon on my plate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I got to the till, the casher looked at my plate and asked why I had two piece of salmon, I know I could have said, I don't know! but I found myself explaining that I had told the lady I had cancer and she gave me an extra piece of salmon, - I did say it thinking he might have thrown in a free diam cake. He didn't fall for it, and the woman behind he didn't too, I heard her say, some people really milk it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We had lunch, and it was time to swing our blue Ikea bags behind our backs and go out into the wild again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Now, I know what I am about to say is bad, its one of the many ugly parts of cancer, but when you have to go to the toliet you have to go! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I know its not just me, because Macmillan's now give out printed cards you can give to businesses saying - I have cancer, can I use your toilet. Its funny because if you do give someone one of them cards, they look at it for an age! its a shame that macmilans don't print on the other Side of the card, - forget it! I have just shit myself! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, slightly gone off point, but when you need the loo, you need the loo! I was half way between the exit and the restaurant, I knew the nearest toilet was back at the entrance - I darted, almost throwing people out of the way - but I made it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The relief of making the toilet, suddenly turned to despair as I realised that to get back to the items I needed I had to start at the beginning and re-enter the frontdoor of Ikea's world of dreams! - we gave up and came home, some dreams are not worth holding on to!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #454545; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thank you for reading my blog, </span><span style="color: #454545;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">if you enjoy </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">please</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> click on one of the adverts.</span></span></span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-16201312106705345462017-01-08T06:24:00.002-08:002017-02-02T19:29:09.109-08:00Can you kill your own cancer?<div style="color: #454545; line-height: normal;">
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Please go to my new website </div>
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<a href="http://www.carldenning.com/">www.carldenning.com</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: black;">Thank you </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have recently had an opportunity to meet a food expect and ask two questions - can diet prevent cancer? and if it can, can diet also kill cancer?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have asked this question before, can I do anything that will help to survive? its a question that usually gets the silence treatment so I was surprised when she said that there is evidence to say yes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just by chance, a friends Mum very kindly sent me a memory stick with the Ketogentic diet. If you have or have had cancer, you will know that all your family and friends will start to send you the latest miracle diet or cure, I have had everything now from - low carbs to no dairy diets, to bee stings cures. They all mean well, but sometimes you can feel bombarded by information. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you search on the internet for any cancer cure you find out that suddenly everything is a cure! and sometimes (for the right money!) you don’t need chemo, just a bottle of this!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have started to look at the ketongentic diet and its seems very interesting. There are a lot of experts talking about this, and suddenly it doesn’t seem to be just the latest fad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have now been on this diet for over a month now and I will tell you the results at the end of this article.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Below is a video of <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;">Dr. D'Agostino is an Assistant Professor at the University of South Florida College Of Medicine, Molecular Pharmacology & Physiology</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here is a news article about a gentleman named Fred Hatfield, the doctor gave him unto 6 months to live, he had nothing to lose! so he went on the the Ketone diet and now is cancer free.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here is a news article in the Daily mail</span><br />
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<a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3691808/Quitting-carbs-saved-life-Cancer-victim-given-months-live-refuses-chemo-claims-diet-meat-dairy-s-alive-two-years-later.html"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3691808/Quitting-carbs-saved-life-Cancer-victim-given-months-live-refuses-chemo-claims-diet-meat-dairy-s-alive-two-years-later.html</span></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">After been given 6 months to live, after giving up sugar and carbs, 2 years later he is still surviving.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here are just some of the many 100s of articles on the internet about this diet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is not as difficult as it sounds, and to be honest I am not doing a strict version of it. But I have cut down on carbs, I have a cheat day every week, but most meals don't involve bread, pasta, potatoes, and I don't have sugar anymore.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It seems harder when you go out, they seems to be little choice. I have started to work on different menu items for my street food business, The Market Wraps Allotment - here is our no flour, low carbs, gluten free bread buns. I will be bringing this from our next booking, and the choice is now on our private bookings too.</span><br />
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<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BO-bdt_AweU/" style="color: black; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none; word-wrap: break-word;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Working on a no carbs, gluten free bread bun! Taste great! Made from cream cheese and egg whites #nocarbs #keyto #glutenfree #gluten #bread</span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A photo posted by The Market Wraps allotment (@the_marketwraps_allotment) on <time datetime="2017-01-07T19:48:40+00:00" style="line-height: 17px;">Jan 7, 2017 at 11:48am PST</time></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A month ago I was having scans on my brain as they thought that maybe my headache due to a spread to the brain, this was not the case, so they thought it maybe to do with my diabetes and my blood sugars been so high, this was also altering my mood, and I had started to take antidepressants.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have now been on this diet for a month. My tumour blood count as gone from 6500 to 2300 - this is a 64% drop, my oncologist used the work "miracle". Do I think this is due to my diet? Well I am also on chemo, but I am keeping an open mind, but I do think the diet has helped with the side effects from the chemo.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I used to inject 20 units of insulin a day, I now inject 6. My blood sugar count was between 12 and 30! between 5 and 7 is normal for someone with diabetes. Mine is now between 5 to 7 - an average drop of 70%</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I don't really get headaches anymore, and there is also no need to take my antidepressant too, as this as lightened my mood.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The sickness of my fortnightly treatment usually last for around 7 days, I have been able to get out of bed early.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Can you kill your own cancer? I'm not sure, I'm going to keep an open mind and its worth a try, they does seem to be a lot of evidence out there that diet does have a lot to do with cancer, the diet seems to be helping me anyway.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you are on a ketone diet please let me know how your getting on.</span>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-79501417098432061192016-12-23T04:03:00.002-08:002016-12-23T04:03:19.705-08:00Happy Christmas Thank you so much for reading my blog, I now get over 500 views a day from all over the world! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.<br />
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I was asked what was the name of my blog, and when i said "Surviving pancreatic cancer and my street food business" I realised I had to get a more catchy title. A nurse who had been reading it was saying how funny it was, so hence why i have called it the new title, i know i can go in dark moods and at that point its not humorous at all, but i hope you will excuse that.<br />
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Speaking of dark moods! I have been having quite a few headaches recently and I must admit, i have been worried about them. With this type of cancer there is a small chance that it can spread to the brain. My doctors had started to question this. I have been asked if I think my personally as changed recently, its hard to answer that, as I am not sure! I have felt pain and stress and that it as made me moody, but was it that what was making me that way.<br />
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Today they decided to give me a scan and I was fast-tracked in the queue. At this point i prepared that it had gone to the brain, i had convinced myself. Two hours of self torture later, I found out it hadn't, to one degree there was a sigh of relief, the other, I now have to find a new excuse why I chase imaginary pigeons in the foyer. It as been a very stressful day. I cried, I always cry at results, it doesn't matter how many times you go through this you never get used to results.<br />
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Two weeks ago I had my ablation, it all went well even though a tumour was near my heart it still went well and because of the chemo I didn't have to have two I just had the one.<br />
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But the strange thing was my tumour blood count was still going up, this was a worry as to me it was a sign that the chemo had stopped working.<br />
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But, a couple of days ago a new reading was done and though it is very high, it has now halved, my oncologist used the word "miracle" they think it was going up due to the ablation as after it is done the tumour count can go up. All of the nurses and doctors are so amazing! I'm very lucky, after so much time they are now not just nurses and doctors, but also my friends.<br />
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I will get rid of cancer again, which will be the 5th time.<br />
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I am really looking so forward to Christmas, hoping to see all mine and all of Robs family and do what Christmas should be all about, spending quality time with friends and family and been well.<br />
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We have had loads of Christmas cards which we haven't sent any! Thank you for your well wishes, I wish you all a very happy and peaceful Christmas.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-86474501463236153872016-10-22T05:18:00.000-07:002016-11-02T09:42:41.603-07:00The road less travelled Dr Scott Peck once wrote in The Road less traveled<br />
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“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” <br />
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The thing is Dr Peck, I do accept that, But still life seems to surprise me how hard it can be.<br />
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It has been a difficult time recently, I have been in hospital for a week with an internal bleed, this reset chemo back.<br />
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That was two weeks ago and I am now back on chemo again and, if I am honest, I have found it difficult, but a week later, I am now able to stagger away from my sickbed and get up and face the world though a pail skin tone and slightly blood shocked eyes. <br />
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I have not been able to respond at times to the messages I have received but want you all to know, that I am grateful for each one, even a like on facebook or a text asking how are you? means a lot to people like me. If you know someone who is in a situation where they may need support and you are not sure what to say, the power of "hello" can mean the world. You may not get a response, but I promise, it will not be in vain.<br />
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When I was in hospital, I introduced myself to the gentleman in the next bed, he was around my age, he apologised in case he woke me up, when brought into the ward during the night, I explained I don't really sleep anyway, and we both then shared stories.<br />
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I told him about having cancer come back for the 5th, he was told just four weeks before he had cancer, he was in pain and was waiting results from a scan. The doctor then came and interrupted our conversation, he pulled the curtains around his bed and the doctor asked if he could sit down, as soon as that was said, I had a feeling it was not good news. I was not ear-wiging, I didn't want to hear his business, so I walked away, but I heard enough to know that sadly it had gone to another area, and with that it was inoperable.<br />
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When I came back, he was been put on another bed and wheeled off for radiotherapy to try and control the pain, he asked me to let his wife know that he had wrote a note for her. He said how beautiful she is, and told me to tell her to try and get some sleep, as she had been at home awake all night. I was also then taken away from the ward to be put on another one, I let one of the nurses know about the note. life can be so harsh, and in an environment like this, you can see how harsh it can be. But as dark or difficult life can be, it was the support from his parter that gave him light.<br />
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We have been down to London to watch the filming of "Stand up to cancer", and yet again, I found it good seeing so many people collectively fighting its cause. Due to some filming they did on us all and the build board campaign, we met up with the CEO of Cancer Research and was taken backstage, it was a lovely night.<br />
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Watching the show at times was emotional, but strangely also good, to meet others in a similar situation felt empowering.<br />
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I am lucky, I can not imagine what it would be like without the support I have, well! I can imagine, I don't think I would be able to fight, but having that structure around me saying "yes you can" enables me to get off the floor and get ready for my next treatment.<br />
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Yes Dr Scot Peck, Life can be difficult but what I have found so far that accepting that doesn't make any difference at all! but for me, I am lucky, as for me, I have an army. All family and friends, love ones, supporting and encouraging, this truly transcends to the greatest empowerment far more than acceptance, and I'm eternally grateful.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-90772909885072140752016-09-06T10:45:00.001-07:002016-09-06T11:42:30.005-07:00A lot happening!I was once in <a href="http://www.diy.com/" target="_blank">B&Q</a> and was looking at the packet of seeds. We haven't got a garden but I was thinking about doing something with the space outside the house. I picked up my choice of seeds and was walking to the counter when it struck me that if it was down to probability, I would not be around to see the seeds grow and turn to flower. I turned around, put the container back and left the shop crying like a baby, this was the wrong attitude.<br />
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To those who maybe reading this who have just found out they have pancreatic cancer, my advice is BUY THE SEEDS! If I had, I could of seem them flower a few times by now.<br />
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I am having a scan a week on Friday, I get the results the following Thursday. My blood results show that the cancer as come back, but there are no tumours showing on the scan, yet. Whatever the scan results are I will be probably back on chemo soon, the doctors have said that it as come back looking at my bloods.<br />
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In life, so far, the world as had a funny way of showing me the right and wrong direction in life, been in a situation I am not happy with or was not right for me, things have not gone in my way. I then have changed direction and things have magically turned and became positive, it may have taken time to get to that point, but it seems that it does. Almost like the world was working with me and not against.<br />
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While I have been collecting my thoughts about knowing the cancer has come back, I have tried to carry on as usual. While shopping at my local catering shop, <a href="http://www.nisbets.co.uk/" target="_blank">Nisbets</a> I was given a receipt and was told that if i went online i would have a chance of winning a toaster. Trying to pull an expression like I was interested came natural, just like everyone else who had been served that morning, I knew as soon as I left the shop, the piece of paper wold be in the bin, but then I looked at the toaster! now this was no ordinary toaster! this was a see-through 150 quid magimix toaster.<br />
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Lee, one of my friends, had told me about this toaster! and we had one of many of our fascinating conversations, this one was on the subject of how it must be nice to have a see-through toaster because you could see if your toast was at perfect tone, but not to the point that it cost £150 quid! Anyway! I imagined winning the toaster. I was not picturing me with a fancy toaster, but just the satisfaction of going on Facebook, making my status "Feeling blessed" which really means "Feeling smug!" and then tagging Lee.<br />
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I ran home as fast a I could, I was half an hour late as I went in the car, and when I got home I went online and filled out the questionnaire. Two days later, i was called to be told I had won! and what colour did i want the toaster to be! I then remembered that Lee had left Facebook weeks ago! the disappointment!<br />
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Was it really that easy! I then heard a competition on <a href="http://www.radioaire.co.uk/" target="_blank">Radio Aire</a>, our local station, it was to win a 4 weeks advertisement package to advertise your business, which wold cost 1000s, eating my toast! I clicked on the link. Feeling optimistic for competitions, but also aware I was turing into an amateur competition version of the very cleaver<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCacBqYTP9A" target="_blank"> coupon kid</a>, I decided to have another go and submit our catering trailer into the best looking trailer award in the yearly British street food award.<br />
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After my last chemo I knew i had to jump out of my bed fighting to get better again quickly, so, if the cancer came back, I would be fit enough to deal with it. I needed to carry on life as much as I could, as much as was possible, wanted to try and go back to some kind of normality, the problem been that the catering equipment was getting heavy. We decided to get a trailer, and I have spent a lot of time on this, we had it converted and then in my spare time i have tried to do it up! this as kept my mind active and in a better place, I have loved doing this. When i started to paint it black inside, i was worried that chemo brain had started to effect my judgement, but, standing back, it looks good. So it was nice to get a tweet to say we have been shortlisted by Richard Johnson from the <a href="http://britishstreetfood.co.uk/" target="_blank">British Street Food</a> as the best 13 looking trailers. This is ongoing and is on a online voting system, - if you would like to vote click here - and click on <a href="http://market-wraps.com/" target="_blank">Market Wraps</a> and <a href="https://poll.fbapp.io/best-looking-mobiler-2016?from=user_link&ref_id=vwq9en" target="_blank">vote</a> and its as simple as that - THANK YOU<br />
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British street food awards - <a href="https://poll.fbapp.io/best-looking-mobiler-2016?from=user_link&ref_id=vwq9en" target="_blank">https://poll.fbapp.io/best-looking-mobiler-2016?from=user_link&ref_id=vwq9en</a><br />
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I got a phone call after the radio competition to say I had won! - this goes out in the next few weeks.<br />
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I know that there are better times to push the business and plan for the future, but, you have to do the best with what you are given in life, and in a way, trust that. There is no point of not buying the seeds incase they don't grow, sometimes you just have to trust they will.<br />
<span style="background-color: #bd081c; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px; opacity: 1; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span><span style="background-color: #bd081c; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 20px; opacity: 1; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #bd081c; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; left: 193px; line-height: 20px; opacity: 0.85; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; top: 1382px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span><span style="background-color: #bd081c; background-position: 3px 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; background-size: 14px; border-bottom-left-radius: 2px; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px; border-top-left-radius: 2px; border-top-right-radius: 2px; border: none; color: white; cursor: pointer; display: none; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; left: 193px; line-height: 20px; opacity: 0.85; padding: 0px 4px 0px 0px; position: absolute; text-align: center; text-indent: 20px; top: 1382px; width: auto; z-index: 8675309;">Save</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-99416425910117882016-06-07T13:38:00.003-07:002016-08-22T08:15:05.533-07:00Latest results and for Nan x<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2sNLIE2xRIAI0dWxKwIAA9tA2-TH9KiMcvZtGHVbPF5tD_i_tiTJkZqnRsz7ALQxEZlkdV7IYMGWnwC3SVweNoU3dYo-JVh_sbvsAry-jTFvvY8Ac34w-kdYUt-A5egd625LrJIJNaDhu/s640/blogger-image-950464029.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2sNLIE2xRIAI0dWxKwIAA9tA2-TH9KiMcvZtGHVbPF5tD_i_tiTJkZqnRsz7ALQxEZlkdV7IYMGWnwC3SVweNoU3dYo-JVh_sbvsAry-jTFvvY8Ac34w-kdYUt-A5egd625LrJIJNaDhu/s640/blogger-image-950464029.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>Nan, a lady from Hollywood who I have met via this blog has sent an email to ask why I haven't written my blog for quite a while - Sorry Nan! This is for you! And I hope all is well x </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I sometimes hide from the world, not really for any reason, not for any dramatic effect. My brain seems to short circuit and its then needs time to re-generate. I need to collect my thoughts. But then, like Nan, friends and family get worried and I know sometimes questions like "is he dead?" are subliminally asked. But at least when I'm back in the mood for talking, it gives me the opportunity to surprise everyone in a Den Watts fashion. (When I say that, i mean coming back from the dead, not the thing what he was court doing over the internet). </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I guess this is a form of depression. I do get down at times, and I don't like to write with that tone of voice, so I don't. I try my best to pick myself up and remember what it's like to be ill, and then I can truly appreciate that moment of now, whatever that represents, whether it's being with Rob or taking the dogs for a walk, working at the market, being with family, listening to music, whatever I am doing right now, whatever it is, I know what it's like to fully appreciate that, and that can be really powerful. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Nan was one of the blog readers that have tried to encouraged me to write a book, well.... I'm sorry Nan, I failed! I have written some words and then got bored, and started again, and yet again got bored, and so on.... After lots of boredom, I looked at the words I had written and scrapped the whole of the paragraph. Blar blar blar - cancer - blar blar blar - not well, and so on. I started to write about what I wanted to write about and I found my writing seemed easer to write, which is a bit strange as cancer is the main subject, but by not writing about it seemed more fluid.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I have loved writing this blog, and I think my best writing is when I decide not to care and speak my truth. (Then go back into that writing, edit and take away any words where anyone could take you to court for slander and realise out of that 200 page essay, I only have a title). </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">My health right now is this, it looks like the cancer has come back for the 5th time. I have had a scan after my bloods had gone funny, they can't see anything on the scan, but the doctor has said we will have to keep an eye on my bloods as in the past, it has shown it has come back, so they expect that is the same again. I will find out more in the next coming weeks. Cancer research are following this with cameras and I think they may use it on "Stand up to cancer" on Channel four, I never get used to results, life seems very surreal. But please don't feel sorry for me, having cancer five times is not something I am doing wrong, it's something I am doing right, I am still here. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">So, here you are Nan, here is the ideas of a very loose first chapter, hope you like x</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">........................</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Dear Cancer,</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Thank you...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Most will find it strange why I am saying thank you, you have pushed me close to death a handful of times now, you have made me gravely ill, you have punished my partner and family and friends for no reason at all, and I still say thank you!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">You see you have have also introduced me to lots of people, amazing people, nurses looking after the sick, doctors trying to find a cure, charity workers giving their hours to challenge you, people running, getting sponsored, doing everything from meeting up with friends for coffee mornings to bathing in a bath of beans, putting change into a bucket, all of them creating an amazing network and making good, and showing the true meaning of humanity, all types of people, all religions and all doing things for people like me. We seem to live in a time where only negatives are shown on the news, well, I am very grateful you have shown me the amount of good in all people.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">You have shown me what to and what not to worry about. You have evolved me, challenged me, and grown me, you have shown me my strength, and with that, I am thankful.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">You have made me realise that I can accept my fate, but with that acceptance I also know that I have the power to challenge it, and I also know that miracles are possible, and each day when I awake, this confirms that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Cancer, you have made me who I am, and with that, I am eternally thankful, and now with respect, will you please fuck off! We can both walk away from each other and still honour each other with distance between us.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Sadly, it doesn't seem to be working in that way, so... If we can't do that, let's try and live in union for as long as possible.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Yes, you cancer at times make me feel scared, and I have sometimes cried. But I have learnt that If you are scared, then you are about to do something brave, and that makes you even stronger than before, so let's all raise our glasses to cancer.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Carl....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Something strange happens to you when you join the cancer club. If I see someone in the street that has no hair I want to run up to them and hi-fi them, I feel an instant connection. I have never done this, I am worried they may tell me to piss off it's alopecia. I find I now have this connection with people I don't know. They know what it's like, they know the stress, the sickness, the reactions from family and friends, they know what it can do mentally and physically, and with that, strangers that have never met can hold a deep knowledge, and a bond.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">"You have cancer"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">It's strange what happens to you when the doctor says those three little words. You take time to try and understand them, You have cancer! - I was sat up right in the hospital bed, my legs trapped under the hospital sheet, I was more yellow with jaundice than Homer Simpson.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I looked at the doctor, - "Am I going to live?". My voice pitch hit a height that I had never heard me produce before. I was asking a very serious question, probably the most serious question I had ever asked in my life, but in the style of a Bee Gee. The doctor didn't answer, maybe he didn't hear me? Maybe due to my new voice, he thought I was taking the piss, I asked again, yet again, sounding like I had taken bin liner full of helium, "am I going to live?" Yet again, the doctor was silent. I felt I was watching TV and that none of this was truly real, I looked at the doctor, waiting, maybe he was going to reveal the answer in an X-factor style, leave a bit of time, a close up of me, is he going to live, isn't he? A sound of a very fast heart beat played as background noise.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">The hospital curtains around the bed drop, a fan-fair plays, and a fireworks would go off - YES YOU ARE! Suddenly I would leap from my bed, the jaundice would make me glo in the dark, I would sing the winners song, half way though the song the other contestants/patients would leave there beds and join in singing - But no, none of that, the doctor just stayed silent, it's probably a good job, as I can't sing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I had a need to walk, movement would help me get my head around what had just been told to me, get up and walk, get up and walk, sudden thoughts, rushed through my head, cancer, cancer?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Walking down the hospital corridor, the high-pitched child like voice had filtered into my body language, I was sucking the bottom of my t-shirt like it was a man-made fiber dummy. Wide eyed, people were looking at me like I had escaped the ward in which the patients had been sectioned. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">That was over three years ago, and a lot has happened in those three years. I have become an expert of pancreatic cancer, I have seen what it does, I have felt what it can do and in a nutshell I have experienced the physical and emotional side, and I have seen how it can also effect family and friends, some have ran towards me and others I haven't seen since been told, but Its no ones fault, no ones other than cancer itself. Everyone deals with cancer in thier own way, most people have a personal experience, and this reacts to how people respond to it. My doctors have said that I have had so much chemo I must be super-human. It's funny as due to the chemo, I don't really feel human anymore. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I was truly traumatised. My brain started to shut down to deal with what was happening. Writing made me categorise my thoughts and put them in some sort of order, and it helped heal. You use what you can to deal and fight this, and that may mean just putting some words on paper, I was not going to win any awards for my writing, but to me, it helped more than I ever thought it would.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I started to write a blog, part autobiography, part therapy. One day, I was a fit, young and healthy man and today I'm not, and the stuff in the middle is a blur. I was 38 and worried about hitting the 40 mark and just getting older, I then got cancer, and now I'm 42, and can not really remember getting to 40! The situation as scrabbled my head. I wrote a lot about "The situation" in the blog, I had such an issue to spell out what that situation was - and with time, it became easer.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">The situation is this - with pancreatic cancer only three percent of patients will be alive after five years. The situation is, that I was one of the lucky ones I was one of the 20 percent that could be operable, but sadly I was one of the 80 percent that it comes back to, and if it comes back, there is nothing they can do about it. I am now in the situation that I have managed to get rid of it 4 times, I am going on to 4 years, the situation is unique.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">It was a very personal blog, but then others started to read it. It felt a bit vulnerable but my attention seeking side is far larger than my vulnerability so I carried it on, and it was nice to get encouragement to write more, "maybe you should write a book" was suggested.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I have done something cheeky, I wrote the first chapter, when I say chapter, it was a couple of paragraphs, I can't really describe it as a chapter and I then charged everyone to read it! Now! Before you all think I'm evil, the money went to Stand up to cancer. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">With the money going to charity I thought I would encourage me to write more, it didn't quite work. The thing is I have tried to write this now for ages, and, if I am going to be honest, it bores me! It bores me to write about cancer. To try and encourage me I have read what others have wrote about the subject. I would describe the genre as spiritual/depressing. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I have struggled with what to write about. I know this is not going to sell this writing but the subject matter really bores me! I have looked at others that have written about cancer, and titles like "The Long Goodbye" are not titles I would run out to read. I start but never finish, and if I am bored about writing about it, then let's be honest, it's not a good sign for the reader. But one day, it clicked! I want to write a cancer blog, but not about cancer! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Having cancer has not all been bad. I never would have thought that I would be giving my point of view against the government for talking drugs off the cancer list publicly on channel four news, and been described as "articulate!" (I still have recorded everdence of this). I never thought I would be in the papers and TV and feeling some form of power over this terrible diesiece, and this empowered me. Mum and I have been on posters around the country for cancer research after a nasty reaction to chemo, as terrible as the reaction was, the poster was a strong image that helped the campaign. I have shouted about pancreatic cancer, but if I am going to be honest, sometimes that shouting is hiding the screams. A friend said I do talk a lot about it, well, let's just say, I am doing that as I am trying to get my head around it all still.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">One of the many lessons I have learnt is to change that inner-voice. The one that tells us we are not good enough. I have spoke to friends about this and it seems we all have this inner-voice, that first edits our thoughts, and with that, then changes our actions. I have learnt that if I can handle cancer then I am not letting that voice control my life in a negative way and since then, I have put my business up for awards, and put myself in situations that I would not have put myself due to the fear of failing or the fear of what others would think. The inner-voice, has not become silent, it has simply change tactics. Instead of it saying don't, it says do.. It's saying go for it. It now allows me not to try and fit in, which gives the freedom to stand out.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">As I am writing this, I am on a plane, flying back from Orlando. This was to celebrate time off chemo, and yet again my bloods going to normal,(sadly while editing I have learnt that the cancer as comeback for the 5th time) this was now the 3rd lot of chemo, now let me quickly tell you about chemo, in not the greatest of details, but, wow! It can make you sick! And there is this thing called chemo brain.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">How I would explain chemo brain is like this - I can not remember information stored in the past. So, if I say where were you when Diana died, we automatically go into our stored information in our brain and pull it to the front, I now seem to have difficulty in doing this. Don't get me wrong, I know where I was when Diana died, I was on back of a motorbike in Paris taking pictures - too soon? I guess when there is information given to me, I find it hard now to store that information, so when this is required I'm not sure where to pull it from.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">One of the great things about getting cancer is its now ok to have the right to take the piss out of it, i would not advice this in certain socail situations, believe it or not the cancer jokes go down better in the chemo ward but I don't recommend using in public. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I do often play the cancer card! I have been upgraded in hotels, had queue jumps at theme parks, I have been excused of driving fines for driving in bus lanes. If you haven't got cancer, it may be in bad taste to use these to your advantage but if you have cancer, I recommend.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Anyway, so here it the start of my writing, - many pancreatic cancer things are about being ill and death, this isn't, this ones about rebelling against cancer and making it all about life, and living.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div></div></div></div></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-58166688309846781042016-04-22T15:23:00.003-07:002016-04-23T03:09:28.622-07:00Results from scan<div>
Results day is always a strange day. It's stressful, and the build up to it is also stressful. Conversation is normal. Shall we go for breakfast? Do you want to go for a coffee before we find out? What jobs have to be done after the hospital, and on the surface all is normal, but there is noting normal about results day.</div><div><br></div><div>You sit in the waiting room and talk to the nurses that now have become friends, you try and read there faces, do they know? I drive myself silly at this point. </div>
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So to those new on my blog, and to some of you that have found you have pancreatic cancer, I had a whipples procedure just over 3 years ago, and that worked, but it came back 6 months later, I am on my 4th time that pancreatic cancer has been visible. </div><div><br></div><div>I have just finished my 4th set of chemo, and the results from the scan and looking at my tumour count, right now, there are no signs of any tumours. My tumors count as been up to the 3000 mark, anything below 34 is normal, right now it's 18.</div>
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The oncologist and nurses and all involved have managed it again, of course I am very thankful.</div>
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So life goes on, and with that, you walk way from the hospital, and all goes on as normal, I am currently looking for an holiday, it is much needed! And I am pushing for a business's award, to fund a dream of mine to have a cafe, it's a long shot, but I have nothing to lose! I was on local radio a couple of days ago and local TV today but it seems I have slipped down to number 27th, so please if you could spare 2 mins and just click the <a href="https://www.vmbvoom.com/pitches/the-allotment" target="_blank">VOTE</a> button, that would be great, so thank you.</div>
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Stand up for cancer may be coming to see me next week, and hopefully will be helping towards there campaign this year.</div>
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Also, they are using the billboard picture again for cancer research around the country from June.</div>
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Thanks for all of your lovely messages, and thank you for your support too. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-23383629006529780672016-04-14T12:12:00.000-07:002016-04-14T12:12:07.190-07:00Latest (April 2016)<div>
I haven't done an update for ages! I am sorry, it's been quite hard this time around. I have recently found out I am diabetic, this made me quite ill and I thought it was the chemo.</div>
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So, to go back! I had to go back on chemo again, they found 9 tumors on the liver. I also came off Facebook, there was a reason, but I know some people thought, oh where is he gone! I didn't want to make a big public statement about coming off and then a week later looking a fool as I would be back on!...Hello, I'm back again!</div>
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When you are ill, you don't leave the house, and the view of the outside world for me was via Facebook, now, I know there are more to people than what they put on Facebook! All I put on Facebook is things about cancer or my business, I like to think there are more to me than this (mmmm... Or maybe not!) When you see other peoples updates on Facebook, and you use Facebook to a window of the world, you suddenly get a very dis-jointed view of that world, I realised this was not an healthy way to live, and I also knew I still had a few weeks left of chemo, so I choose to come off it for a bit, I was turning cynical, and I did not want to do that.</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Also, I knew I had a few weeks to do more on chemo, and to do this, I had to get my head down and get on with it.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">This was the 4th cycle of chemo, the first few days are hard, but it gets easier. I have had 2 scans recently, one for the Proff in London to see if I could be ablated again, (tumor zapped using Nano-technology) and another which I haven't had the results of yet.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">My tumor count in my blood, anything above 34 they are concerned about, mine went up towards 3000, but now, due to my oncologists and chemo, it as dropped to 29, they are very happy about this, and use words like amazing to describe the situation. On the scan a few weeks ago the 9 tumors I had had shrunk and only two was visible they have been ablated in London, and I am now waiting to find out the results. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">When it came back a couple of years ago, my doctors said there was nothing they could do, and there was no point of surgery as it would spread quickly, now, due to this unusual situation, I have been told by one of my oncologist that they are now looking into surgery, I am not sure what the outcome of this is, as I haven't seen my main oncologist yet, but I have contacted the Pancreatic cancer UK charity, and they have done looked into it and sent an email to me of questions I should ask, (Thanks Dianne) they have done amazing things, and really helped me, this surgery has been done before in China, so there are records of it, I just have to see what is offered. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">So... All is good!</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">This may sound strange, but I think cancer as given me more confidence! I know it shouldn't be that way, but I think it has! Don't get me wrong, I am feeling abit down right now and I also know that is due to the situation, but, well! If I can deal with this, I can deal with most stuff! </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And what better time to start a cafe! </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The competition is the Richard Branson Voom. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">If you could vote for me, that would be great! <a href="https://www.vmbvoom.com/pitches/the-allotment" target="_blank">Here is my pitch... </a></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.vmbvoom.com/pitches/the-allotment">https://www.vmbvoom.com/pitches/the-allotment</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Thank you..</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-50191912160953665832015-12-01T04:12:00.001-08:002015-12-01T04:23:33.791-08:00Latest<div>
<div>IThanks to all who have wished me Happy Birthday, I'm not that well with chemo, and still in bed, but just wanted to say thank you....</div>
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<div>I wrote this a few days ago.</div>
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<div>I have been a bit quite on the bloging recently.</div>
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<div>There as been so much in the news about the tragedy of Paris, that it felt unaproperate writing about my issues.</div>
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<div>But thinking about it, this is the perfect time. The news is covered in negativity and its easy to believe that the world is one bad place, but its not, not by a long way.</div>
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<div>This week friends of mine organised a party where the proceeds go to Pancreatic Cancer UK. They collected over £2000! I still am shocked. </div>
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<div>People, who did not know me where putting £10, £20 pound in the raffle bucket, this was after paying £25 for a ticket and no one complained or questioned it. I hope the guests did not think I was rude, as I felt I spent I most of the night in a shocked state, at the end of the evening I said to Lisa and Ian (from the Yummy Yank) friends and the hosts I wish we could do it all again, and I would have talked to more people, if you was there, Thank you! i am still in shock.</div>
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<div>Pancreatic Cancer UK is one of the charities that have helped me more than once. From the very start I was handed books about pancreatic cancer by the charity. They offer advice by there dedicated nurses and helpline, they are also funding projects to find any a cure. PCUK is not a big charity, i know most of the people there by first name, they are a lovely people!, they have helped me a lot. </div>
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<div>I had a phone call from Cancer Research UK, they have been in Leeds doing filming and taking photos for the Christmas campaign, this as involved all of the Oncology department and most of St James’s and the LGI. They asked if they could film or take photos of my next appointment. At first there was Rob and myself, the nurses had just connected my first round of chemo and the photographer took photos. I had especially ironed my shirt and did my hair in incase they decided to do anything with the pictures. The photographer was really nice, and we was taking other pictures around the hospital, and he kept coming back to me and Rob. Rob had to then go to work, and my Mum took over. By this point the chemo was kicking in, and i was feeling, slurred, and tired, and out of it. I remember he kept coming back. </div>
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<div>At the end of the chemo I unfortunalty took a turn for the worse, and they decided to take me to the upstairs ward and keep me in. I think this was to do with the week before and having blood transfusions and feeling knackered and not sleeping, the photogragher helped as my Mum came up stairs with me as they found a bed.</div>
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<div>I am a lot better now, and a week later I was able to come home. They have also given me a week off chemo, so my next one will be this Monday, it is my birthday on Tues but I think we are going to celebrate that this weekend.</div>
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<div>Last week, I had a call from Cancer Reseach and they picked one of our photos to be shortlisted to be used, and then today we have been told that our picture has been chosen and will be used for the Christmas campaign on the billboards all around the country. This will be from Boxing day.</div>
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<div>I have been involved in the Humans of Leeds project, the photographer who is really nice guy called Z, and I have had some really lovley messages on Facebook</div>
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<div>https://www.facebook.com/humansofleeds</div><div><br></div><div>Z put the link in for stand up to cancer and it is now over the £700 mark, so yet again, Thank you.</div>
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<div>The book writing!!!! its really hard! I have wrote chapter 3 now about 6 times, and now I have scrapped it and started with a totally different direction. I am trying!</div><div><br></div><div>So yet again thank you for your birthday wishes x</div>
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<div></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-21807462479391993072015-11-06T02:03:00.001-08:002015-11-08T03:01:30.831-08:00Back in hospital<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am writing this from hospital, I had to cancel my chemotherapy due to this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been in St James now for four days now. I have not been feeling too well recently, dizziness, not hungry, sick, etc. I thought it was all a collection of issues all pointing towards the tumours on my liver, and I just thought, well the best thing to deal with them was chemo. So I sat waiting for my chemotherapy to start.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have met some amazing people through the last 3 years, people that I am so glad I have met, but wish I had met them via different circumstances, some of the nurses have become very good friends.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have shown so many emotions and states with the NHS staff, sadness, anger, sickness, joy, happiness, laughs, and whatever state I have shown, they have stuck with me, and I am just one of many, I don’t know how the do it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On a phone call to one of my friends that work in the chemo ward, I was talking about all my issues and complaining about how I was feeling, all different issues that I have had in the last three weeks or so. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was my friend who used her knowledge and put everything together and told me I should call the hospital, which I did, I spoke to another friend, and with that it was said that I should come into hospital there and then.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been also suffering from tooth pain, and with this I went to the emergency dentist last week and had root canal surgery, to take the pain away I have been talking over the counter pain relief.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If it was not for my friends saying come into hospital to get checked out, I know I would not have done so. Things were a lot more serous than I thought. Everyone around me acted calmly, which in return made me calm, even after I started to be sick blood. I felt ill, I was dizzy, my haemoglobin was 60, normally it should be 120. When this falls your body stops working normally, your oxygen can not be delivered to tissue and cells. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had lost 5 bags of blood, I know now this is a lot, I had a lot of internal bleeding, i have been told that I was heading towards an heartatack.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The doctors decided to change the ports (the pins that they put into your veins) and make them larger, so if needed they could give me a blood transfusion quickly. I was acting drunk, this was due to the lack of oxygen going to my brain. They gave me a blood transfusion, 3 bags to be exact. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did not realise how serous all this was at the time, it was only the day after this was apparent. I went for a x-ray, and the reason behind of this was down to the aspirin, which I am not allergic to, and also not taking some tablets which I should have been taking every day (I have learnt the hard way), this gave me two ulcers which had bled. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is day four and I am still in hospital, I have an a camera down my throat and surgery to repair this, and I should be back home <a dir="ltr" href="x-apple-data-detectors://0" x-apple-data-detectors-result="0" x-apple-data-detectors-type="calendar-event" x-apple-data-detectors="true">tomorrow</a>, ready for chemo next week, which as delayed it by a week.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Its nice been called an “inspiration” and to be honest, I used to take the complement, but I realised, I didn't know what it meant, so i had to look it up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I just do what I get told. I have lost count how many times my friends and the NHS have literally saved my life, and I also know they deserve the title of “Inspiration", and I do joke with them, but behind those jokes, I am so proud that there my friends. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I feel so much better, and I have had a LOT of messages which I have not replied back to yet, so i wanted to write this up just to thank everyone for there support, I am very thankful, and sorry I haven’t replied back yet.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Its crazy to thing that this has nothing to do with the cancer, and i am glad that is the fact, as all the things that where happening to me like the dizziness and the bleeding can be stopped.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When it comes to the NHS, I have experienced its brilliance so many times, and its brilliance are the people that work within it, I know i will always be indebted. Thank you.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com6Harehills Harehills53.805307 -1.522366tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-46842597438087432472015-10-30T13:05:00.002-07:002015-10-30T16:53:36.942-07:00The biology of believe - part two<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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I was sent my scan results, it has taken an age to get them and due to everything our minds have been so over-loaded it was almost like we could not take anymore so we haven't asked for the results.<br />
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All we knew was that they thought that the tumours was on the lining of the liver and there was nothing they could do other than chemo.<br />
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I have been asked to have another scan (MRI) to confirm this, and this was the results which I was nervous in asking for.<br />
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Unfortunately there are six tumours in the liver, but they are very small but the part they have got wrong is that they CAN be ablated.<br />
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So, the way forward is this, six months of chemo, but after three months to get them ablated, hopefully the chemo will get the very small ones and then the ablation can get the rest.<br />
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Meanwhile thank you very much for all signing the <a href="https://www.change.org/p/don-t-stop-funding-only-drug-for-pancreatic-cancer/u/13957786" target="_blank">petition</a>, it has gone up another 4,000 in 2 days! so please sign if not done yet:<br />
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Thank you...<br />
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xxxxAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-22652022884728418922015-10-28T03:30:00.002-07:002015-10-29T00:49:23.900-07:00The biology of belief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hello everyone,<br />
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Thank you, yet again for all your well wishes, I have been slow on the response which I apologise for. </div>
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Treatment starts next week, so I have been busy having blood tests, getting ports fitted, scans to find out whats happening, all which I am currently waiting to find out the results.</div>
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As for now, it is looking like the cancer has gone to the outer edge of the liver, meaning this can not be ablated. This is not the best news, and I am waiting for the results of the latest scan to see if that is the case. If it is the case then my personal plan is this, to simply get rid of it again, can I do it? YES! It won't be the first time to do the impossible, and I am confident.</div>
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I am really enjoying writing the book, and it is making me study certain questions, which I am still working on, but briefly been making notes on the subject.<br />
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Who was I before cancer, and who am I now? and what have I learnt. </div>
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This blog item may irate some. I guess the subject matter is about holding up a mirror, and for us all to look at our own lives. What makes me such an expert? Why am I even writing about it? I hope it does not come come across as arrogant, but if it does, well, thats fine. I am thankful you are reading it, and I do think its a worthy subject matter to look at and debate, I won't let my ego get in the way.</div>
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I am still working on this question, but I want to try and share and write about it here. </div>
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With chemo, it feels like I have to be ill for three to six months to then live for three to six months, and to put in layman terms, it has put me in a situation where I have to really work to then live, so with that I don't want to waste that time.</div>
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Some would say, but when me and Rob are sat watching some mindless rubbish on the television in our onesies! and just doing nothing then this is waisting time? It does not matter what you are doing, as long as your enjoying the moment.</div>
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I see life differently now, and I would say I see things more clearly, I am not sure if this is down to all the drugs and stress and in fact it is nothing to do with seeing things clearly, but more to do with I haven't got the brain cells any more to retain the information, making it clearer to understand. </div>
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The only thing that would stop me writing the book is my health, and if that doesn't get in the way, then I will write it and I will get it published. I do not question my ability any more. Does this come across as arrogant? It does not matter, because yet again, if i start to worry what others thought about me, then i would be placing that obstacle in my own way to stop me doing what I want to do. We all have that inner voice, what if this? and what if that? Well... what if you choose what the inner voice said? How powerful would that be! I have chosen to be friends with my inner voice, we are taking on the world.</div>
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If bored some people create their own problems to entertain themselves, without realising it, I think I used to do this myself. This is very counter-productive and there are far more exciting things to do to entertain. </div>
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Do we judge our worth by measuring it via others? I know someone and they're great, they work very hard and everything that they own in life they have had to put the time in to get it. Then, stage left, someone has entered their lives, and it seems they have materialist items and they're a little bigger and better and with a lot less input. It drives my friend to distraction and when talking about the subject, they become very animated. They can not see that this effects the way they enjoy all the things they have as it's now about all the things they haven't got. This is pointless, as there is always someone out there that has monetary value, and while your concentrating on the differences, you're not looking in the right direction of appreciating the things you have and the work you have put in to get it.</div>
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Fear not only controls us, but also contains us. The fear of letting go of a job that we are in that we don't like, and the consequences of leaving that job, how this would effect us and effect our family? Being in a relationship that we are in but not happy to be in. Fear of moving as the unknown is scary. As long as you survive the consequence, then its all relative.</div>
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These days life seems very surreal, but the situations have brought me to this point. I try and live life likes it's a film, I try and make it a great film, I put a power balled in the background - I control that inner voice, I don't let the inner voice control me and I try not to worry.</div>
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My treatment and my body sometimes stops me doing what I want to do, which is so frustrating. In the past, it was not my health that stopped me doing what I want to do, it was myself. If someone found a miracle cure for cancer, I would say that I would never live like that again and I would even go as far to say, that if I was cured then cancer would have been the greatest gift on understanding the true value of life. Is it possible to pass that lesson on and write about it without going though the experience of it? That's the readers choice. You have the freedom to read or not. You have the freedom to make your own opinion, and the freedom to then put action from it or not.</div>
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Thanks for reading.<br />
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PS:<br />
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Hello, as you may know we are currently<a href="https://www.change.org/p/don-t-stop-funding-only-drug-for-pancreatic-cancer/u/13957786" target="_blank"> trying to get a pancreatic cancer drug back</a> on the list.<br />
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Please sign the <a href="https://www.change.org/p/don-t-stop-funding-only-drug-for-pancreatic-cancer/u/13957786" target="_blank">petition</a>, and thank you very much.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-63151764601931981562015-10-22T09:20:00.001-07:002015-10-22T12:54:26.883-07:00A brave new day - Chapter two<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAiiiESR7CZ6ZmGmfSPUbaucU-fww4vmoHsxexkIJHDFRcUEbRs3Wg-kqHUFMgI-sM5mWkBwqab17nvFzIvQVniOqqzRgyXre268TQwHubVFgoUJqkEBLrKc0PrTi8n5A8BMFYD-LpOPGb/s1600/A+brave+new+day-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAiiiESR7CZ6ZmGmfSPUbaucU-fww4vmoHsxexkIJHDFRcUEbRs3Wg-kqHUFMgI-sM5mWkBwqab17nvFzIvQVniOqqzRgyXre268TQwHubVFgoUJqkEBLrKc0PrTi8n5A8BMFYD-LpOPGb/s400/A+brave+new+day-2.jpg" width="282" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WOW!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What can I say - I asked if you could afford a small couple of quid to donate to Stand up to cancer and my aim was expecting a very healthy £50 pound.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So far it is at £588!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thank you so so much! I just didn't expect that, and I am very grateful and shocked, I am sorry if I haven't said THANK YOU personally so, yet again, thank you...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And as a thank you... I wanted to give the next chapter in with the same donation. If you haven't donated and you would like to, here are links to the 3 charities that have helped me and also made great changes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=abravenewday" target="_blank">Pancreatic Cancer Action</a></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #343434; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our focus is on improving early diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and improving the quality of life for those affected by pancreatic cancer. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #343434; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;"><a href="http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=abravenewday" target="_blank">Pancreatic Cancer UK</a></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Open Sans', Tahoma, Verdana, Segoe, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">Pancreatic Cancer UK is the only national charity fighting pancreatic cancer on all fronts: Support, Information, Campaigning and Research.</span><br />
<span style="color: #343434; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 24px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning" target="_blank">Stand up to cancer (Cancer Research)</a></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">Stand Up To Cancer’s (SU2C) mission is to raise funds to accelerate the pace of groundbreaking translational research that can get new therapies to patients quickly and save lives now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chapter two: - Nan</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes in my mind I was not in that hospital bed, but in bed at my Nans house, 28 years ago. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The radio playing as it did do on the small wicker table acting at a bedside cabinet. BBC radio Leeds playing classical music, and the tall handmade light stand giving a relaxing feeling, the room glowing slightly and I knew i was safe. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My Nan would put her head around the door, turn the radio off, give me a kiss good night, and leave the landing light on, I didn't like the dark. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A young, very concerned looking nurse woke me up. “Carl, we have noticed that you are losing quite a lot of blood, The surgeon is on his way in to see you, it is 2am, you have to go back into the high dependency unit”. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was only 2 days out of the high dependancy unit and 4 days after the operation, a mixture of the drugs wearing off from my operation the day before, and the morphine taking the current pain away was making me dazed and confused, but still I could tell that it was important what was happening, I could tell by the nurses face, her concern was deep. I could also tell by the way I felt and this was the closest to death I have been. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had lots of bottles attached to me, all collecting liquids from inside me from the aftermath of the operation which all had to be measured. Waking up, and falling back into sleep. I remember seeing my surgeon, he told me that I was losing quite a bit of blood and there was internal bleeding, I will have to be re-operated on. I was having a blood transfusion now and he was going to be back at 9am, he told the nurses that if my state changed, call him straight away. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The NHS staff have always been amazing, a lot have become friends, but throughout my journey there are so many NHS staff that have really gone out of the way to help, and I am in awe of them. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Later on that day, a doctors was giving me the pre-operation epidural, this paralyses the area so they can operate pain free. They tested if it was working by sticking a small pin into my chest and seeing if I felt the pain. I am not sure why I did this, I was confused by the blood loss and the medication.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I told them i could not feel it even though I could.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">I went back in to be operated on for the second time in two days, and also for the second time I was being woken up to find out about some complications. As the anaesthetist started to wake me up I drifted slowly back into our world, and slowly started to feel the large open wound across my stomach. I am not sure how I let the doctors know, when you have pain as intense as that, it almost acted like a barrier., your body goes into panic, the adrenaline kicks in, in my head i was bent over, but due to the scare that would have been impossible. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of the problems was that to stop the pain they needed to get morphine into my system but they can only give it at a certain amount per hour as too much too fast can kill. Gradually the pain started to lighten, and gradually the morphine was working. But at the time, it was this experience, even more than the cancer which had impacted me the most. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2 months later</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">I sat alone in my car, outside my Nan's old house, she has been dead for over twelve years, it was close to midnight. I was trying to work it out, what the hell that was all about. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before I left the hospital, the specialist nurse told me that, when I leave hospital, that’s when it would all hit me. Wow, she was so right. I looked out of the car window, and looked at the house where my Nan used to live. When she was coming over to my parents’ house, Nan would be sat in the window, hat and coat at the ready, waiting for me and Mum to pick her up. We were never sure how many hours, or indeed days she was sat there ready, both me and my mother are never that good at keeping time, it could of been weeks! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I would give for her to open the door, and let me in, and explain what the hell was going on. I then for the first time broke down.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I spent quite a lot of time with my Nan, we were very close, our friendship was strong from my birth to her death, she was in her late eighties when she died, and i was early twenties. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My Nan didn’t just give me love, she gave me reassurance and I felt safe at there. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I never met my Granddad, as he died very young, and she was young too. My Nan brought her daughters up by herself.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">My Nan’s name is Flo, short for Florence. Flo, due to circumstances was very much an independent woman before her time, but at the same time showing so much strength to bring her own family up single-handedly</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">. She was also reserved and quiet and to me she was my Nana and she was amazing. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">If and when she sees me again, I just hope she approves. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We used to go on days out, we would get up early, go to Leeds bus station and just get a bus. Now I realise we didn't go that far, but then, at the age I was, it felt like the longest bus journey ever, but I used to love it, because with my Nana, you didn't need the entertainment of an iPad. We had games like Beatle, where you had to shake a dice and each number represented a different part of a beatle and the first one to build a full body, 6 legs and head of a Beatle was the winner! Ok, like I said, they were long journeys, but ones that I have very fond memories of as I loved spending time with my Nan.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our days out were through the summer months and started from when I was aged around seven and went well into my teens, we enjoyed each other’s company, and she used to walk and walk. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I did have my Nana around my little finger a little bit, while all the kids at schools parents where failing at making the dick tracy island from blue peter, we were making successful Ouija boards! - When i say successful, it had letters and a glass, we would just sit there for hours, hands on the glass, and waiting. Is any body there? anybody? hello? anyone? the only thing I can say is, it made us both appreciate playing Beatle more! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got out of the car and went for a walk, tears still rolling down my eyes, I could barely work out that the place had gone downhill. The grass seemed overgrown and the area unkempt. What was I doing there? Is there an answer? I suddenly stood in some dog shit. Was this a sign from beyond the grave? Was my Nan trying to send a message, to confirm that I truly now am in the shit! I am not sure why, but this seemed to lighten my mood! While wiping my foot on the long grass, I stopped crying, I don’t think it was a message from Nan, but maybe it is a message! I went home...</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So what have i learnt from this cancer experience? </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have learnt if I went back time, I would stop smoking a lot earlier than I did, I would stop drinking alcohol, stop eating sugar, stop eating meat, dairy and become a nun, and then after all that, if i was waiting for the results, wearing a black gown, with a white collar and the doctor says “sorry its cancer” I would punch them and go back in time again and smoke more, drink more, each pure sugar, nibble on a dead animal, and wash it all down with a very large glass of meths, and depending on if the outfit suited me, then, maybe stay dressed as a nun. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For the past few years I have been writing a blog, I am not one of life’s readers or writers, but it has its own art form. A few years ago It was confirmed I had dyslexia, and for a year went to a dyslexic college. But by writing things down I found really helped me deal with it all, and I really enjoyed it! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I write to sometimes just get out of my system and i have found, for me, it’s the best way of therapy. I have had encouragement to write a book, so here it is! written slowly, bit by bit. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I was younger I did read a lot of self-help books, I loved them! I was not practicing them; I just wanted to believe in their magic. Some are great, some are well, imaginative but I have never read a bad one. Even the off the wall Louise Hay claiming by repeating affirmations to yourself can get rid of the most terrible dieses. I did give this ago when I was younger, did it get rid of my spots, well… to be fair the only thing it gave me was lock-jaw, but did it make me feel better about myself! well no…. but if anyone hears you in the bathroom repeating the words “I love myself and believe in myself” over and over again, you at least don’t get interrupted! A number of self-help books are about instinct, about following your head and heart, sometimes you may even question it yourself, but if you have an inclination that you have a hunch, just follow it. I am going to take that principle, to write this book, and if it doesn't work, well i will find out who wrote that book and we can both ask for a refund. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My instinct is pointing me back to where my Nan lives, and I am not sure why.</span></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-19101006811727567202015-10-12T08:15:00.000-07:002015-10-19T17:19:02.544-07:00A brave new day - Chapter one<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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I wanted to do something for '<a href="https://www.standuptocancer.org.uk/" target="_blank">Stand up to cancer'</a>, C4 to help collect money for Cancer Research </div>
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<a href="https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning">https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning</a></div>
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Due to getting pancreatic cancer in 2012 and having surgery I am now not in a position to be able to do a sponsored marathon - a dash to the toilet may be a reachable challenge, so instead i have started to write a book.</div>
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This is the first chapter and due to it being the first draft, please expect this to be very rough, it is an ongoing progress, so keep coming back and by magic the spelling mistakes should disappear, also any feedback would be great.</div>
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If you can, <a href="https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning" target="_blank">donate a little change</a> and I may get away with my cheekiness (and if you cant, well don’t worry, by reading the blog gets the charity awareness), so thank you.</div>
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I have done a few things for the pancreatic cancer charitys which I will still do, and obviously it is my choice of charity, but I also see the benefits of Cancer Research UK's work.</div>
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I don’t want this to be a depressing read and due to asking for a small donation, the last thing you want is to be is depressed after reading, but it is hard to keep it up-beat due to the subject matter, but let me explain one of the reasons why it is a great charity. </div>
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When I see young and younger people in the cancer hospital, it is upsetting. In the hospital last week I saw a young guy with his Mum, he was attached to a bag of chemo, and the way he looked at his Mum was one of reassurance for her.</div>
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I am in my forties and having cancer and the experience of the treatment has made me “grow up” (a little!). So to have an idea of what someone is going through, and especially someone so young, recognising a facial expression and how this experience is effecting them is heartbreaking, but at the same time you can see their strength, now thats inspiration! In the hospital waiting for a scan was a baby. The staff were using some kind of breathing apparatus to manually help the baby breath, it was unsetting to see this, so I don’t know how the parents and family deal with it.</div>
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Every penny is a small step closer for the young and not so young not to go through this, - I promise I will do my best to try and keep this book as upbeat as i can, but at the same time, there is a serous side, and I know that, so I hope i also don’t offend by taking the lighthearted approach. </div>
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When you see a picture of a frail looking girl on Facebook, with no hair, dressed in a gown, holding up a piece of paper saying, "10,000 Likes will get rid of my cancer" I'm sorry to say, its not true! its a lie, by liking that picture it will not save her life, by liking, Facebook does not give a dollar for her cancer drugs. It would be great if life was that simple. If you are one of those people that have liked one of those posts, well don't worry, Im one of those people that said no to chemo, all i need is a large a1 sheet of paper and a black felt-tip, we all learn, sadly the only way we can all beat this terrible disease is hope that one day the professionals like cancer research will one day find the answer, and what we can do is help them do that.</div>
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I really hope you enjoy.</div>
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<b>Chapter One</b></div>
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<b>Hello, my name is Carl...</b></div>
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So, what is the point of you reading this book and me even writing it! well, in all honestly, I am still working on that one. I can tell you what I want it to be is a spiritual journey, about a 38 year old man dealing with getting pancreatic cancer what he as learnt, and to pass those lessons to the readers, but the truth is, I still haven't worked out what lessons I have to learn from all this. </div>
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There is something called “Chemo Brain” this is where chemo effects the way you think, the doctors have no proof it exists, they question if it is just down to stress. I may have no scientific proof that it exists, but believe me, I demonstrate its effects most of the time I'm awake, if you want proof then you find me walking around the high street wearing nothing but a rain coat, asking shoppers if they have seen my pigeon, this is not down to stress.<br />
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If you are looking for an inspiration cancer book then go buy Jade Goody or the nice lady off the OXO advert, as this book may not be for you, but if your looking for a book to read which is covered in spelling mistakes, terrible grammar, and not very politically correct about the situation i am now in, and want to come with me to try and find out what the hell I am suppose to learn from all this, then come with me, what is there to lose?<br />
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Money? if published this will be in poundshop, so at least you haven't spent much. Time? I will write this, but i will make the font a little bigger just so it fills the whole of the five pages i have written.</div>
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If this is not going to be a tale of how i have dealt with pancreatic cancer at 38, then what the hell is it going to be about,I have never read a cancer book before, but is it just me the description of "Cancer Book" doesn't really make you want to run to WH Smiths.<br />
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I was thinking about writing a ‘Eat a carrot and cure cancer!' book, I'm still thinking about it, if chapter two is a recipe that includes carrot and coriander soup, then you know i have changed my mind. </div>
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I feel having the experience I have had from all of this, everything from been told I have pancreatic cancer to the effects after the event, my lessons in life should be in abundance and have an inspiration quality, and ones which I should be able to pass on to others, but right now i need a notebook to write important information for me to remember, like my own name. </div>
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This book is going to be a journal of a journey. I am going to try and put the recently cancer experience I have recently had and try and put some context into this, and look for what i have learnt, to find this I am going to leave it to fate to take me to places where it may have the answers, and put myself into situations that i wold not usually put myself in. </div>
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If you have got to this point, I'm guessing you have paid up, so now to bring the contract out, if yourself and myself haven't learnt anything by the end then, lets just call it, "Experimental" and move on, but after everything that has happened in the past 3 years, what have I learnt, my mind just goes blank, so the point is the book is to find the answer to that and to put myself in situations to find that answer.</div>
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I know its hard to believe but having cancer is not all about the glamour, I feel there are certain things that one should not share, this is one of those things. </div>
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I didn't make the toilet in the supermarket last week, this as happened a couple of time. After asking the assistant where the toilet was and I running up 2 escalators and just before I walked into the toilet, I was free flowing, the only bonus I was in Marks and Spencer’s, which is just next door to Primark, where I could go and buy some cheap clothes, and where I was probably not the only one walking around stinking of piss. </div>
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I did go and try and dry myself in the toilets of Marks and Spencer, but I have never been so disappointed to see a Dyson hand drier. Its funny because when i have seen them in the past, i have been impressed, you always know when a toilet has made it, its when it has a Dyson, it is one of the ones that you need to dip your hands into it to dry, sadly It was impossible to tip-toe and push my crotch into the hot air so instead I had to simply sit in the cubicle and hope that friction with a paper towel would dry a little. </div>
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It was not the first time I had bought Primark trousers, the ones which were on me now were from there too, and the heat from the friction of the paper towel was not drying the urine, but was taking off the dye from the cheap trousers! So even when i dried them a little , they still looked like i had peed! In this book I want to inspire and teach and also I want to write the truth, but the truth is I don’t behave like someone who inspires and teaches, always carry some spares and have a box of Tenner-lady is not inspirational. </div>
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Before all this happened, life was normal, both me and my partner worked at my own business, I run a street food business, and I also work at O2 as a web developer, I went to the gym most days. I felt good.</div>
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On the 22nd of October 2012, a kind lady asked if I was ok. I was not sure if she recognised me from ward 42. One of the wards where she worked on, her job was the hospital cleaner. This is where i had been resident for the past week for a suspected gallstone issues. She may have just asked because she could see i was in shock.</div>
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I had lifted the bottom of my t.shirt and was sucking the hem, I was a 38 year old man acting like a 3 year old child. She never knew and still doesnt know the impact she had on me that morning. I don't really remember the words i said to her, but I remember hers, and they are more impact then what the doctor told me that morning, she said in a strong Yorkshire accent, "Well, you look a strong lad, you can handle it”, i stopped sucking my t.shirt, maybe she is right. Thank you kind lady, you really helped, and the following days and weeks and months, we were going to need as much help and strength as we could get.</div>
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When the doctor said cancer, it didn’t make any difference when they added the word ‘pancreatic' next to it. I didn’t know anything about it, i should have known it was bad the way the doctors pronounced it, almost whispered like it was an uncomfortable swear word that is highly offensive, and it is. </div>
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Imaging asking a doctor in a serious voice, “Am I going to die?”, you cant? well don’t worry, as if its like the experience that I had, you won’t! I put a strange voice on when I asked. It was very high-pitched, it was almost someone asking a serious question about mortality and in the voice of Micky Mouse, even the doctor laughed! and when you ask that question, and they don’t answer, then, your voice goes even higher. </div>
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We haven’t got children, we talk about it every now and then, but the 2 crazy uncles sounds more fitting than the 2 stressed out Dads. My partner is 9 years younger than me, and while I feel this experience at my age is heavy, I know even more so for him. We met about a one and half years before I got pancreatic cancer, he is VERY good looking, and i hope he doesn't mind me saying, is quite introvert, which those 2 elements are the oppersit description of myself. We had our civil partnership 2 years ago, it was very special.</div>
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It was a hot July and the day was perfect. Being two men getting married, it was not going to be a conventional weddings, so we had a picnic, with bails of hay for the adults to sit on and the kids to pull apart and play with, the food was plently. I own a street food business, so we were able to get some friends to cater for us, and the music was flowing as were the drinks, it was perfect, and everyone in the wedding photos glowed happiness, and i think the reason behind that was we all know that life was there to be celebrated.</div>
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I walked away from the lady and she carried on cleaning. I called Rob, I told him what i knew, he made his way into the hospital. </div>
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Making the phone calls and passing on messages to let everyone know that it was a bit more serous than the expected gallstones was hard, almost impossible to tell my parents, and step parents. </div>
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The next few days where the strangest days we have ever had in our lives, all seemed very surreal. I think it was my bodies way of coping, everything slowed down, and blurred, Rob helped me walk from the hospital to the hairdressers, going to the hairdressers made sense at the time.</div>
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The hairdressers was asking all of the usual hairdresser questions, and seeing it was Friday, he threw a few of the Friday ones in, have I had a nice day, was I going on holiday, what plans did i have for the weekend, and I carried on as if all was OK, i gave the answers he expected, and all went smoothly, I don’t think it would have made a relaxed siting if I said, have I had a nice day? well, let me think, i got told I had cancer a couple of days ago, so not really, am I going on holiday, well, not now! whats my plans for the weekend, well, see that graveyard the other side of the road… I told him i was probably just relaxing for the weekend, and left a pound tip. </div>
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I try and steer away from been a victim, even though I have fallen for acting in that way in the past. There was a gentleman in the flat above me where I used to live, and he sadly found out he had terminal cancer, it changed him. The area was not one of the best, and occasionally we had to close the windows as local children like to play, throw the stones to see who gets annoyed first game, unfortunately the upstairs gentleman thought it was personal, and opened up his window and shouted, "I have cancer, and Im going to die” not only was he brave in dealing with his prognosis he also was brave for shouting at those children. They didn’t seem the type to reason, most of us would see a desperate ill man and show compassion, but then most of us would not be throwing stones at windows, they seemed to see weakness, and from there on decided to throw them at his window for the next few weeks. If it wasn’t cancer that was going to kill him, it was a brick. </div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue'; font-size: 14px;">It was time to be taken into a room and told our options or lack of them. I saw some professional looking people in white coats looking at my MRI scan and then walk into the room, Both me and Rob were there. The main gentleman introduced himself Mr Al-Douri</span><span style="color: #545454; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">, </span></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">he is the surgeon, he drew a picture of the pancreas. I could not even pronounce the word pancreatic at this stage.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">He told me I have a twenty percent chance of it being operable, and the only way was to be operated to see if they can take it out, there is a one percent chance of death via the operation, and if it was operable, i would still have a eighty percent chance of it coming back in the next few months, all in all, I had a three percent chance of surviving five years, and a one percent to survive ten. Most would not have been happy about the numbers but it meant I had a fighting chance and thats all we needed.</span></span></div>
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Two weeks later, It was time to go to see if I was able to be operable. </div>
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This was no key-hole surgery, they essentially cut you across your abdomen to get to the pancreas at the back, If successful this is a ten hour operation, and if not, then Rob was waiting thought the day of getting a phone call to say. </div>
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Rob looked at his phone, it was a Leeds number, and no one ever called him from Leeds, he answered, it was PPI - why do they ring at the wrong time, and just to prove this, it happened twice, both from Leeds numbers. </div>
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The operation had been a success, there were compilations, which where quite bad, but all in all, it went well. Due to the complications I was in there for another 6 weeks, one of the nurses said to me, when you get out of here, thats when everything will hit you, and you may find it hard to deal with, she was right.<br />
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I had changed a lot in the past few weeks. I went from 13 stone to 9 stone. People react different to you when you start to look different and this is also a learning process, as its almost like you are finding yourself.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbU-8jhI_dz9fRPBnLjvaHQ-9BxIdul6C-yvPGgLZeUwfl23FbHgO2D58bKKc6qWeIMUTfTdUBIRtE-hV9Pz6Eeip-0e8oOnJ1PLXVOVK09_b3wvuVnIUtHbEP_qN1RhDBHIO9CUtLgngt/s1600/294936_3937715886123_532976404_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbU-8jhI_dz9fRPBnLjvaHQ-9BxIdul6C-yvPGgLZeUwfl23FbHgO2D58bKKc6qWeIMUTfTdUBIRtE-hV9Pz6Eeip-0e8oOnJ1PLXVOVK09_b3wvuVnIUtHbEP_qN1RhDBHIO9CUtLgngt/s320/294936_3937715886123_532976404_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was before the C plan (two months before)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAHY4d5faVYOUdQqd9t7qvePH_Qt0bdwl7z-HvG1w9pO0dgY_Z2szWV_UZykjf6lZSKQPSzSwq72s1Ap_y0-Vj75iqCxNbXTcDPTGCqXiIJ1jriI6txlbblV6N9q1WflvFriobTit_vve8/s1600/934046_10151648638359134_465300901_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAHY4d5faVYOUdQqd9t7qvePH_Qt0bdwl7z-HvG1w9pO0dgY_Z2szWV_UZykjf6lZSKQPSzSwq72s1Ap_y0-Vj75iqCxNbXTcDPTGCqXiIJ1jriI6txlbblV6N9q1WflvFriobTit_vve8/s320/934046_10151648638359134_465300901_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was after the C plan! Not sure which is worse the weight loss or the braces.</td></tr>
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It has been a hard journey, but one where i have met some amazing people, which will now be life long friends.</div>
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So, now you know the basics of the situation that we are now in, this book will be about my past, my present and what I am going to do in the future to work it all out.<br />
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Thank you for reading, and if you can, please donate to <a href="https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning">https://www.justgiving.com/Carl-Denning</a> and if you have any ideas on where I should change this or any other advice please contact me on marketwraps@gmail.com<br />
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Thanks again<br />
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Carl x</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-51139604697636805872015-10-05T14:46:00.000-07:002015-10-06T07:40:21.111-07:00A brave new day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh8D8TafXvJv3GSrPFQ9nhMtAy8nZHnwgaywFMW4TUz5dIzch8RV07RZdSBxlEqSx9Zxp9ZzxbPzKXkaglyg4Mrfd0dxTcKylTvNn7fLPHyUIZ-GCmXzw_pRqXDPSKoqvjqXF4iZfQkKxe/s1600/4059073602.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh8D8TafXvJv3GSrPFQ9nhMtAy8nZHnwgaywFMW4TUz5dIzch8RV07RZdSBxlEqSx9Zxp9ZzxbPzKXkaglyg4Mrfd0dxTcKylTvNn7fLPHyUIZ-GCmXzw_pRqXDPSKoqvjqXF4iZfQkKxe/s320/4059073602.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I know what your thinking! Your thinking, wait a minute, didn't he promise that the last entry in this blog, was his last entry - well I am sorry to say, I am back! and sadly so is my cancer.<br />
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It is now in two places in my liver.<br />
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The doctors have said that its about containing the cancer, not getting rid - but I have been told this in the past, I plan to get rid of it again.<br />
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If you belittle the situation, then it doesnt seem such a big deal. Right now, I am trying to see it not as, ITS CANCER...AGAIN but more, Its only cancer, again...<br />
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It as taken the 4th time to get cancer to accept that pancreatic cancer will be part of my life, through my life, and that is fine. By accepting this, does not take the right away to not challenge it's existence. It never get easer, I would say it gets harder, to not just physically take onboard what is happening but also the weight of it mentally.<br />
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After a scan and a trip to The London Clinic and then a meeting with my oncologist the conclusion was that there are 2 new tumours on my liver and the next step is to have a Pet scan.<br />
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The Pet scan will give a better image and show if the cancer is anywhere else and then the doctors can choose what is the best direction to go for the long term decision.<br />
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I will be having the Ablation/Nano-knife technology again. My doctor said that it is acting in a different way to how pancreatic cancer usually acts and in a good way, while many (including myself) say oh another tumour again! it seems the medical professionals are saying, well, only 2 tumours after 3 years of having this and it coming back 3 times is very positive.<br />
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I am not sleeping that much, this as nothing to do with worry or stress, but just the usual cancer pain, that only seems to come alive at night when you are trying to sleep, it is now almost 2am.<br />
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I have been helping out with the charities which I really enjoy. I have been helping the Pancreatic Cancer Action charity. PCA are one of the charities that are trying to get <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: OpenSans-Regular, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;">Abraxane</span> (one of the chemo drugs) back on the NHS list after the government has taken some cancer drugs off the available list.<br />
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There is an disagreement on how much the cancer drug is and its worth, I feel that the debate for that is between the drug companies and the government, but the actual use of the drug is one of a personal issue and one that i can discuss.<br />
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This was me on <a href="http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid601325122001?bckey=AQ~~,AAAAAEabvr4~,Wtd2HT-p_Vh4qBcIZDrvZlvNCU8nxccG&bctid=4491619249001" target="_blank">channel four news</a>:<br />
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and here is the article I did for <a href="http://www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk/news/latest-news/top-stories/leeds-man-whose-cancer-has-returned-for-third-time-fears-lifeline-has-been-taken-away-by-nice-decision-1-7465572" target="_blank">Yorkshire Evening post</a><br />
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Here is the link for the petition, <a href="https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/107388" rel="nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/107388</a> Thank you for all who have signed.<br />
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I was introduced to one of the production team of the new cancer research adverts that will be on TV this Christmas, and I may be on this.<br />
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So, for now thats the information I have, waiting for results from the Pet scan, and then from that the doctors will know the best direction to go.<br />
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As for the other stuff, I will continue to help with the charities as much as I can.<br />
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<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D7587823901082553320%23editor%2Ftarget%3Dpost%3BpostID%3D5113960469763680587%3BonPublishedMenu%3Dposts%3BonClosedMenu%3Dposts%3BpostNum%3D0%3Bsrc%3Dpostname&media=https%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-3PXE7Y7Y_vM%2FVhGEDWYgGxI%2FAAAAAAAADOQ%2F7cIAN1AvevY%2Fs320%2F4059073602.jpg&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=VzWTorZWS0EZ&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 26px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 18px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D7587823901082553320%23editor%2Ftarget%3Dpost%3BpostID%3D5113960469763680587%3BonPublishedMenu%3Dposts%3BonClosedMenu%3Dposts%3BpostNum%3D0%3Bsrc%3Dpostname&media=https%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-3PXE7Y7Y_vM%2FVhGEDWYgGxI%2FAAAAAAAADOQ%2F7cIAN1AvevY%2Fs320%2F4059073602.jpg&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=VzWTorZWS0EZ&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 26px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 18px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-6758802081816501262015-03-03T04:47:00.001-08:002015-03-05T10:42:43.539-08:00Ablation in London<div>I am having a lot of strange dreams. </div><div><br></div><div>Tonight's involved me going back to my childhood. The only difference was I took my illness with me. There was a charity event, and I was voted to go play football with Leeds United. </div><div><br></div><div>I was an over weight child and after ten minutes of football, Leeds United decided that even charity had its limits and they all booed me off! </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHLaCVKKUfVzbKbhMNYZ3hewgwSgGAcCHFPvDsAMk3MWHxb7GC16o5tGjUn9fPubK3qaKpbDrrsjwyvfegonZYfbL5Vd_tMOa7cRKPK1A_QW0XPyRAItqzZFbDz0TvJ0T-5hb_clNq2MNu/s640/blogger-image--607472184.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHLaCVKKUfVzbKbhMNYZ3hewgwSgGAcCHFPvDsAMk3MWHxb7GC16o5tGjUn9fPubK3qaKpbDrrsjwyvfegonZYfbL5Vd_tMOa7cRKPK1A_QW0XPyRAItqzZFbDz0TvJ0T-5hb_clNq2MNu/s640/blogger-image--607472184.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>I awoke. what the hell was that dream about! - I don't even like football! </div><div><br></div><div>I'm in pain this morning. The level of pain, well, I can not tell if the pain is from my cancer or trapped wind. Mental note, must suck a rennie and find out. I have now been in bed for seven days due to chemo. This does drive you crazy! </div><div><br></div><div>Tuesday 2nd March</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyINWRCzRCkLCh4iavpK7sGEx6M1nKDP5Ntgn10d13z0E8IyNQFsCADHW2xwc33pJyiMtZNdGj1r2e6JPo3sJ_z59KxfqNegvSLNMcncpxAF3y9UGr-TulQ0iPHuuDFY_scMZ_pO-PTAUn/s640/blogger-image--1016195687.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyINWRCzRCkLCh4iavpK7sGEx6M1nKDP5Ntgn10d13z0E8IyNQFsCADHW2xwc33pJyiMtZNdGj1r2e6JPo3sJ_z59KxfqNegvSLNMcncpxAF3y9UGr-TulQ0iPHuuDFY_scMZ_pO-PTAUn/s640/blogger-image--1016195687.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>I have returned back from London. Yesterday I had the ablation on Harley Street, at the London clinic, there's been a refurbished in the hospital since last time I was here, the rooms are now larger even more nicer than before. This is the hospital that Prince Philip was in a couple of years ago, and if you look closely you can see his imprint of his head in the pillow! (I haven't slept much) It's a private hospital, and you are really looked after in there. For this procedure it costs around £10,000. My mind right now belongs to a person that as not slept for two days. I believe this is due to the drug that they give you to awake you up after surgery, that and getting up at 4am the previous day to travel down to London.</div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ab4wtFen9_WC-HMPYW6MiUjoymiT83O6c55BzM4z27rAV-85tV26M-R_3XNUOUxhJDPkLXfqcN-hMQpHjmh-8NQNcEXVbrNQHofW8uT5ioG0nTTwvIY7p4QQ_uaVmGaOKzZMfS47S08W/s640/blogger-image--1333674365.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4ab4wtFen9_WC-HMPYW6MiUjoymiT83O6c55BzM4z27rAV-85tV26M-R_3XNUOUxhJDPkLXfqcN-hMQpHjmh-8NQNcEXVbrNQHofW8uT5ioG0nTTwvIY7p4QQ_uaVmGaOKzZMfS47S08W/s640/blogger-image--1333674365.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div></div><div><br></div><div>One of the effects of cancer for me is that every scan, every result, every step, I do not relax and wait, I observe body language, I analyse the spoken word, I read facial expressions, I measure the time that it has taken to get answers, and then predict the results before they are revealed. Sometimes I hit the jackpot and I am correct, sometimes I confirm that cancer as made me one hell of a ultra paranoid person.</div><div><br></div><div>The nurses and anaesthetist and of course the Professor are lovely. They make me feel at ease but of course when I said I was nervous about CT scan which I was having before the procedure the anaesthetist explained he could not say everything would be ok, he explained that whatever the results it can not be changed. </div><div><br></div><div>They asked where my favourite place in the world was, and before I told them about Hunslet retail park :) , I was asleep. I'm guessing it was around this point when Rob got a call from the Professor asking if he had a copy of the previous CT scan. We sent one down from Leeds and the team that was doing my procedure was not at there usual hospital so I'm guessing they didn't have this information there. He asked where was the tumour and if I was having chemotherapy. Rob started panic at this point but the Professor explained that all was ok. </div><div><br></div><div>I awoke, and instead of opening my eyes slowly and asking how it had gone. I jumped out of bed and accused one of the staff of having MY procedure! They sat me back down I came around, and luckily they found it funny. I asked if all had been ok and I was told the Professor will see me later, I asked if that was good, and was told the Professor was happy. </div><div><br></div><div>I went back to the room to join Rob again and wait for the Professor, and after not able to eat for several hours ordered a delicious three course meal from the menu.</div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikIaDB0fqkHPSkD5XhgEbkWZTzmgNDCWusz8r__mxUZBAAEXxPG4gONdFreLdO15TOng9ik1vLSQ8R3CBUkCBERK4bbapqeg5ej8qEtZVCD7rTI8xXb_bZvOtmMDFe4lO5pwtTRVjbWVsM/s640/blogger-image-1026500158.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikIaDB0fqkHPSkD5XhgEbkWZTzmgNDCWusz8r__mxUZBAAEXxPG4gONdFreLdO15TOng9ik1vLSQ8R3CBUkCBERK4bbapqeg5ej8qEtZVCD7rTI8xXb_bZvOtmMDFe4lO5pwtTRVjbWVsM/s640/blogger-image-1026500158.jpg"></a></div><br></div></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>The professor is very busy, and he arrived about 5 hours later. He explained that he would see me tomorrow. Rob and myself stayed in the room, Rob slept on the chair, it would've cost £250 for an extra room, Now I know I'm from Yorkshire, and Yorkshire people are famous for being tight, but £250! You can go to an all inclusive in Benidorm for a fortnight with a family of four for that, and still have change for a bag of chips.</div><div><br></div><div>This morning we were signed out of the hospital, and set off to go back home at 7am. At about 8.30am we got a text to call the Professor back. </div><div><br></div><div>With the copy of the previous scan he was able to look at them both, he had done the procedure on the tumour that he originally killed as it did look bigger, but as for the other two, it looked like one was inflammation on the liver and had gone, and the 1.2 cm tumour had disappeared. He wants me to have a MIR scan to work out what has happened.</div><div><br></div><div>We travelled up from London, not quite understanding what has happened. We called friends and family and passed on the situation, not just to let them know but to also absorb the information ourselves.</div><div><br></div><div>That was now two days ago, and I have spoke to my oncologist, there are a number of reasons why this could have happened, but the only way is to have the MIR scan. Sometimes chemotherapy can hide tumours. The chemo could have shrunk the tumour, and the CT scan may have not picked up the tumour if so small. I'm hoping to have the MIR scan privately in the next few days.</div><div><div><br></div><div>This will be quite so just after three chemotherapy sessions, but due to my right and shoulder pain as dramatically become less, and my tumour account has gone from 1700 to 600. With the result from the CT scan my oncologist said it is all pointing to shrinkage. But on the other side sometimes chemo of the ability to hide tumours, so will feel better after that M I R scan.</div></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-38042165640019262712015-02-19T13:20:00.001-08:002015-02-20T09:26:04.977-08:00February 2015<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">JIt's 2.42am and I have woke up again after having a dream, I keep having the same type of dream. The dreams genre changes but the feeling when I awake stays the same. The setting is always hostile, a place I don't feel comfortable with, and I guess the theme is always about learning how to survive in that hostile environment. Tonight's dream I was hidden in a traveling van, looking wide-eyed at the other passengers and not sure who's side the on lookers were on, while traveling down the dusty war broken streets of some exotic far place and been relived that every minute of the journey, I have survived. A psychologist would not be putting much study to work out the reasoning behind these dreams. Last night was set in Leeds, but was in a dark rough part of Leeds and the theme was about getting to one part of town to the other, maybe not as dangerous as tonight's dream. </span></div></div><div><br></div><div>I haven't published much on my blog recently, I have wrote stuff, but I haven't published it. I am not sure why. Not because I feel it is private, more to do with a cross between it reads like a shopping list, and/or bbvggguhwhen I read it back it sounded sanctimonious. I am about to have chemo, I am having chemo, I am sick, I am in bed, 7 days later I'm getting better blar blar blar. One reason why I write is to process the, well process I guess. But the thing is, I have wrote about this process loads of times, this is the third cycle of chemo, surly I am able to get this by now. Also I wrote about how I feel, there is nothing wrong with that. But for now, it is not important how I feel about the chemo, what is important is the effects from it. My right hand shoulder pain as become less, this is good news as this pain is referred from the tumour on the liver, meaning that the chemo seems to be working. To get pancreatic cancer is tragic, to get secondary pancreatic cancer is helpless, to get secondary pancreatic cancer three times, and get rid of it each time is unique, but something tells me not impossible, and that's why they are still giving me treatment, and with the help I am receiving I guess in the next few weeks I will find out if it will be possible with me. </div><div><br></div><div>There was a programme called "How to cure your cancer", now due to the situation I am in, you would think I would sit there, watch it, and take notes, in the preparation of survival, but the truth is I watched five minutes and it was boring. I then sky+ it! But a couple of days later when sky+ was full, I deleted it. It is coming up to who killed Lucy Beale week on EastEnders, and I don't want to miss an episode of that! Priority's! Knowing my luck I will be walking into the chemo ward next week when there be crowds of bald people, cutting the cords from the chemo machines and skipping away from the building and chanting thank god we watched "How to cure your cancer" it worked! And I will be there running after them asking if anyone as it on DVD. Also a lot is happening regarding market wraps and Hosptal visits which I will reiterate about next </div><div><br></div><div>I had my head shaved a few weeks ago, this was in preparation of it falling out. The haircut before I asked for a certain style, the hairdresser said I had to grow it to get that, and I said there was no point as I was having chemo and it would have fallen out by the time I would have reached that look, that was a long silent haircut! I also told the hairdresser who shaved my head that I was having chemo, not because I thought it may excuse me for leaving a shit tip ( but he did charge me less!) but more to do with I was paranoid that it would just all fallout when he washed it in the sink, now that would make a great YouTube video! "What the f### have you washed my hair with!" That was 2 weeks ago and it has not fallen out! I could have got the style I wanted! I haven't walked past the hairdressers since in case he thinks I told him Im having chemo just to get a couple of quid off my haircut.</div><div><br></div><div>The cancer zapping procedure is booked and I will be going back to Harley street the first week in March. I will write soon and say now the results are. </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVmyasxxvbq8PugqWhx8AGhKaodsvwh732Ze2-CDWcAQX_VdeuWvmKAfo5PxO-hY6NRVYJFzfkHfgpT82Q_5APRF4h_963uQSO5-_4hf_01oUuN16vqZ0tOS3XTK1eiXxRkBWL0i4XqoaY/s640/blogger-image--359346159.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVmyasxxvbq8PugqWhx8AGhKaodsvwh732Ze2-CDWcAQX_VdeuWvmKAfo5PxO-hY6NRVYJFzfkHfgpT82Q_5APRF4h_963uQSO5-_4hf_01oUuN16vqZ0tOS3XTK1eiXxRkBWL0i4XqoaY/s640/blogger-image--359346159.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div><div>Rob and me have been to London for a couple of days, it's been great. It's so nice to go away, you leave the bedroom that I spend a week in and an environment where there is always a bag of pills or a sickness drive or a sharps bin to remind you of the situation we are in, of course you always have to go back and we are back now, chemo tomorrow. A lot is happening in the next few weeks, with Market Wraps, and hospital visits things have gone crazy. I will right about that no next blog x</div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-74498582646732543492015-01-07T12:27:00.003-08:002015-01-08T00:22:19.007-08:00A thank you to O2Due to my private healthcare I have had my CT scan, I now know where I stand and I have arranged to start chemotheapy a week on Friday. I will then start to have my treatment again in London in an private hospital on Harley Street. If it was not for going private I would not know this yet as my NHS CT scan is on the 14th Jan.<br>
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Dont get me wrong, I love the NHS, and I am thankful for such a system, but it is also nice to have the support from private hospitals.<br>
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I am one of the lucky ones, I am not rich, I haven't got a lot in savings, but due to O2, my employees, I was given a package that included a very good health care insurance and to put it bluntly if it was not for this the chances are I would not be here now. Thank you O2, and with this backing I am going to do my best to beat it again.<br>
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I talk about my street food business on this blog, but I also work for O2 part time.<br>
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I remember getting my healthcare number through the post years ago. I put it aside and forgot about it, not thinking that one day, that card will be a pass to save my life. Now when it came to bonus time! well, instant gratification, but health care! well, lets just say I enjoyed the bonus more. But now I realise how important this card is to me, I have used it quite a few times in the past 2 years, worth more than any bonus. I am thankful O2 have contiually supported me on my cancer journey.<br>
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Also messages from friends and family, they are all empowering, they help me stand tall. Robs Mum and Sister came to see us today, this was therapy and due to not been able to see them at Christmas it was great to see them.<br>
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I am about to go to my step Mums and Dads house in Portugal for a couple of days. I have had good news and I can start chemo and I can have the ablation (the treatment in London), but I do feel a bit of fear, at least this time I know what chemo can do, and I can arm myself in everything possible to be able to cope with it, everything from hypnotherapy to sickness drives to a <a href="http://www.sea-band.com/" target="_blank">sea band</a> (I have been recommended this but not used it).<div><br></div><div>Also Michelle, a friend of mine as recommended some cream called uddermint, from mole valley farm this is for my shoulder. I am getting pain from the liver cancer which is passing the pain to my right hand shoulder. This is quite common and nothing seems to be budging it, but this cream really helps and seems to be better than deep heat.</div><div>http://www.molevalleyfarmers.com/mvf/store/products/teisen-uddermint<br>
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I have just had my haircut which seems a bit of a waste of money due to been prepared to shaved it all off in a couple of weeks (this time, i will do it, not chemo). When the hairdresser said to get the style i require I needed to grow it more, it did kind of kill the conversation when I said, theres no point it will all be gone in two weeks! he listened, while talking scissor or any other sharp objects from arms length away from me.<br>
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So right now I am looking forward for a few sunny days away, yet again, thank you for all of your emails and messages.<br>
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Thank you x<br>
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<br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-35336198881202808202015-01-02T16:58:00.000-08:002015-01-02T16:58:07.241-08:00Action plan<div>
Right this maybe a long one....</div>
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I have had time to think about it now, and I think I have worked it out...</div>
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This is a rough draft, but bare with me. </div>
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I was interviewed for an article for pancreatic action websites January campaign, I was asked what my wishes were for the new year, I was back at the gym, and for the first time feeling a little more towards normal than I have been in the past two years. I had plans for my business in the new year, I talked about how I try and face life and not anything negative, and my new year hope is to carry on with that, two days later, I failed, I stopped that path when I was told it had come back.</div>
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Our plans of seeing friends and family over Christmas and New year seemed to get taken over by my lack of sleep and pain, in all fairness I know I could not have changed that, but still it's annoying, and it got in the way.</div>
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The cancer charity wanted me to do an online video to talk about any messages They wanted me to give someone who had just found out they have pancreatic cancer advice and meanwhile I had felt I had gone back on my word.</div>
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I have been told with this type of chemo that I was on in the past, you can only have it every 6 months.</div>
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Now I have talked to the doctors about the situation, the response was surprise, but not because it had come back, more that it's had not come back in 7 months and that's an achievement.</div>
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I think I know now what I am going to talk about on the pancreatic cancer video. </div>
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When you first find out you have cancer it's a shock, you then find out it pancreatic, you then slowly find out what that means, you find out the percentages, you find out that this is truly a terrible situation to be in, and mainly how a cancer can come and simply take your life away. </div>
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But, what they don't tell you is, it can also take your life way while you're living, it can stop your dreams, limit your living, consume your thoughts and push you off course. I know this, as it has done this to me in the past week. But, my personal advise is this, do everything not to let it, everything. Don't get me wrong, when you are being sick in bed, I know you can not live life like nothing is wrong. But if you don't let it win taking your life way, every now and then In life, you will have moments when you will smile, you will have joy and you will still have dreams and with that, you're free and it's not winning. </div>
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My body has done something remarkable, it as allowed me to live cancer free for 7 months, thank you, it has now allowed me to have the time to get over my last chemo sessions and have the energy and fight to do it all again, and given me the 6 months time to be able to do it. The only difference is I know what chemo can do, so this time I know what to expect, which will empower me.</div>
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So, I am not sure when the chemo starts or any other treatment, I don't want to do it, but I also know I can and I'm ready. </div>
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But on reflection about the written interview, and the advice to others, I am also going to go back to my plans, push my dreams, and live as cancer free as I can, living with cancer, and at the same time, aim to live cancer free again.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-27626030219246141952015-01-02T01:10:00.001-08:002015-01-02T01:35:01.418-08:00CT Scan results<div><br></div><div><br></div><div><div>Thank you to all of your support, the messages we get do give us strength, so just wanted to say, a very very big thank you.</div><div><br></div><div>I had the CT scan, due to it been Christmas time we could not get one on the NHS Until the 12th January, so I went private and had one on the 29th Dec at Nuttfields hospital.</div><div><br></div><div>Now to be fair to the NHS, within the 29th to the 14th, I don't think the situation would have changed much, but at the same time what helps me and also Rob and my family is been proactive about it all, it just makes you feel a bit more in control of the situation.</div><div><br></div><div>My surgery in London, Proff Leen made the request to see the scan to see if there was anything he could do, like he did last time. To use type of Nano-knife technology (ablation) to cook and kill the tumour.</div><div><br></div><div>I had a copy of the scan on disk and the day after we then sent it to Prof Leen in London (this was at 4pm) Prof. Leen was also on holiday so I was surprised when at 8pm that night he called me with the results. I must admit I am a fan of Proff Leen.</div><div><br></div><div>It looks like I have a 2cm tumour on my liver, and also a small second tumour, with maybe a possible third. </div><div><br></div><div>Of course I wanted to hear, it's all a mistake and there's nothing, but with the pain I have been in, I knew there was something. </div><div><br></div><div>But, due to where it is, I can try again. </div><div><br></div><div>So, this involves going back on chemo, and then Harley Street. He thinks it works best while on chemo, so I have to call them today and start that again. </div><div><br></div><div>I always knew the chances where high it probably would come back. I wish they didn't. But right now I'm glad that at least it can be done something with. </div><div><br></div><div>Slightly off course there's a BBC article on the web today about cancers (pancreatic) been down to just bad luck. I have always blamed myself, reading this article, I guess it's time to stop blaming myself and just get on with doing what I have to do to survive. </div><div><br></div><div><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-30641833" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000">http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-30641833</font></a></div><div><br></div><div>I feel angry about it this time, I had so many plans with Market Wraps for the new year, we was starting a new business and everything was set up. I haven't given up yet on the plans, but may be just a slight delay.</div><div><br></div><div>Yet again, thank you for all of your support. I hope you don't mind but they will be more blog posts as it helps to get my head around it all, and it just keeps everyone in the loop too.</div><div><br></div><div>Happy new year too! </div><div><br></div><div>Carl xxx</div></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-68235054008795550022014-12-28T20:57:00.001-08:002014-12-28T21:00:29.694-08:00Latest results<div>'Hope you have all had a lovely Christmas. </div><div><br></div><div>It is 3.00am, I can not sleep, this is about the 7th night of broken sleep. Sadly it looks like my cancer as come back for now the third time.</div><div><br></div><div>I found out a couple of days before Christmas, my tumour count in my blood as gone from 20 something (under 30 is normal) to 230 something. It is not fear or stress why I can not sleep, but more to do with the pain in my right hand shoulder which seems to of been building up now for a few weeks. According to the doctor this is probably be referred pain from the liver. I am having a CT scan tomorrow (today) to see where I stand. I am talking a lot of pain killers and sleeping tablets, they don't seem to be working.</div><div><br></div><div>I have only told a few, it seemed wrong to say sprinkled with the words Merry Christmas, so I thought I would wait for Happy New Year instead :) </div><div><br></div><div>So at 3.am I go from Facebook, to BBC, to Twitter back to Facebook. Please can you all start posting at around these times as its a quite time.</div><div><br></div><div>I have recently been interviewed for a campaign for Pancreatic Cancer Action, I was asked, "what is your New Years wish". Before I found out about the cancer coming back. I felt I was slightly getting my life back in some order, I had gone back to the gym and slowly normality began. All is going well with Market Wraps, so my new year wish was to carry on the journey. I must admit this news does seem to have knocked me off my perch.</div><div><br></div><div>If it has come back, and it's looking highly likely, then I also have go get my head around the outcome. It is now the third time I have had cancer so things should be easer to understand. </div><div><br></div><div>Chemo.</div><div><br></div><div>That's the hard part to get my head around right now. The next few weeks will tell me where I stand and what I can do about it. I should get the results back from the scan soon. </div><div><br></div><div>Sometimes in my blog I write to enjoy. I write for therapy, I write just to update. I guess this blog item is to categorise. To place in some order. Reading what I have wrote the one thing I should do, and can do is get back on the perch again. I had quite a few plans ready for the new year, of course there is nothing I can do about the fact that those plans will now be challenged. But at the same time, it also doesn't mean that I can not challenge them from not happening.</div><div><br></div><div>Sorry about the bad news, I am hoping that it will be not that bad, and I will put in the blog as soon as I find out. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-82606671354981656862014-11-12T16:08:00.003-08:002014-11-13T00:22:26.226-08:00Happy Pancreatic Cancer Day!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyofk3YQKNkaJuKhasqpLuRLyCX6Kq1XX7nxQEMDUcbp73LLGe6z4EjjZ-OXdjeH_QFPiksDDrPH-XT5Rz1T_bL9vAyOmLcJ_aakkisUZc7t7k0uJ2wgW_5YS3UWkB276vFUJj8pIptaHJ/s640/blogger-image--1086221930.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyofk3YQKNkaJuKhasqpLuRLyCX6Kq1XX7nxQEMDUcbp73LLGe6z4EjjZ-OXdjeH_QFPiksDDrPH-XT5Rz1T_bL9vAyOmLcJ_aakkisUZc7t7k0uJ2wgW_5YS3UWkB276vFUJj8pIptaHJ/s640/blogger-image--1086221930.jpg"></a></div>How do you feel about cancer....<br>
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I was not sure how to answer the question. I was interviewed by Radio Aire (regional radio) last night and this is played throughout the day on the news, which is great for the awareness but I must admit I feel a little downgraded from last year as I was on the TV :) but when asked 2 questions on how I feel, I went silent.<br>
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Today is Pancreatic Cancer Day (13th November) it is the first time that
Pancreatic Cancer UK have held this day, and they have<div> worked with 30 other
organisation in the world to create this day, and bring more awareness to this
cancer.<br>
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So Happy Pancreatic Cancer Day! OK, I won't be pulling a party popper just yet, but this cancer certainly needs more funding and awareness. <br>
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It truly is needed as the stats have not changed in the past 40 years. Pancreatic Cancer is become the 5th most common cause of all cancers deaths in the UK.<br>
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I have decided to put a blog item to do my small bit towards this day, and
hope that my small donation my create a bit of awareness.<br>
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The reason why I went so silent at the question, how do I feel about cancer is I am not sure how I feel any more, there is so much that as happened that when it comes to feelings, to put it simply, sometimes I just don't, and then there are other times I can be over emotional and feel too much.<br>
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In my blogs I write about 'my situation' and never really spell it out,
there is reason behind this and the reason is, at times I find it hard to face
'my situation' that I am in, so for the sake of the campaign I want to share
about it on the blog.<br>
<br>
September 2011 I was told I had Pancreatic Cancer after going a strange
yellow colour, itching, having back pain, and my stool looking like I have had
a diet of kabbabs. I was then told that only 10% can be operated, I was lucky,
I was one of the 10%. I was then told that even with the lucky 10% the chances
are (80%) that it will come back within the next couple of years.<br>
<br>
It did come back, it came back to my liver. I sat with my oncologist as he
told me that there was nothing they could do about it.<br>
<br>
No one said the word terminal, I am not sure if that is normal. We walked
away to get ready to tell the family.<br>
<br>
Rob, my partner found on the PCUK website some new treatment called Nanoknife, this
treatment cooked the tumour, and I could only have this done privately, yet
again, with luck, with my work I have healthcare. When I asked my oncolgist about this, he said he had not heard of the treatment. I got the impression not to get too excited about it. Nanoknife was not covered on my
healthcare and the 10,000 pound a night hostpial to have the proceedure wasnt too, but after meeting the professor that did the treatment, he said
that his team could do a simalar treament in another hospital where the insurance could pay
for this.<br>
<br>
It worked, the tumour was killed, and with that and a very rough 6 months of chemo my tumour blood
count went down from 200s to 18.<br>
<br>
I now have a CT scan every 3 months, my oncolgist can not advice me because he as never been in this stiuation before. I can not tell you what my nerves are like that day! but that is now what i call, 'my situation'<br>
<br>
I am now back at work, back pushing my business, and back in the gym. I had an email from a lady that I have been in contact with via emails and this blog, (I hope she doesnt mind me putting this in) - she puts (in a more eloquent way than I have put, about how it all can effect how you feel).<br>
<br>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"You probably are familiar with the theory of learned helplessness. It
grew out of some unfortunate, cruel animal experiments in the 1960's.
When dogs, or people for that matter, come to feel that they have no
control over their situation, when bad things repeatedly happen to them
and they cannot escape or avoid these things, they eventually just stop
trying to escape the bad shocks. And once a window or doorway is
opened for them to escape, they do not run. Depression, anxiety,
phobias, and feelings of isolation, etc., can most definitely be
exacerbated by learned helplessness. I have come to believe that this
disease, PC, and all its dire outlooks and scary testing, hair loss,
set-backs, pain, and all the rest can lead (me, at least) to a place of
learned helplessness. There are many other real world examples of this
involving humans.<br>
<br>
The thing is, Carl, since I have read your blogs I have felt less
helpless, less alone, less afraid. I have recognized that in the face
of this cruddy situation I should do more, try harder, celebrate more
often. It is not easy, the way you have chosen to deal with this, but
it is wonderful! You have seen the humor, learned and documented the
lessons, and worked, while enjoying Market Wraps. So what if it has
thrown you for a bit of a loop this round? You won! I am so charmed by
your looking forward to looking forward again. Thank you."</blockquote>
<br>
I must admit, the email did my ego some good! but its true, with the trauma of chemo, with the changes of the massive operations, with the changes of phycology of yourself and then of others and how they react towards you, this all as a massive effect on how you feel, and then I guess, who you become.<br>
<br>
Cancer as played with the way I look in the past 2 years I have had more new looks!<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYeETqHxEMEQQu6WDz8iIa4VnwzXlOmc9jMSC1_qW5ea0CnWXkZ9bezsaifK0n4eNhVUCWlKv5N9H4023iNTyrYxlWpiKUxEO3AiBfrrNSe2-Ba3-KH1cIpaGaXbfDDWVKHmAuIiN-w5oF/s1600/10333381_475073505956048_2528725932903709580_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYeETqHxEMEQQu6WDz8iIa4VnwzXlOmc9jMSC1_qW5ea0CnWXkZ9bezsaifK0n4eNhVUCWlKv5N9H4023iNTyrYxlWpiKUxEO3AiBfrrNSe2-Ba3-KH1cIpaGaXbfDDWVKHmAuIiN-w5oF/s320/10333381_475073505956048_2528725932903709580_o.jpg" width="213"></a></div>
The last picture as nothing to do with cancer, its more sadly due to genetics, but at least it proves, whatever cancer throws at me that changes me physically, I have had it worse! and I can deal with it.<br>
<br>
With all the changes that cancer can bring, not just physical, but mental,
you do get to a point where you are not sure who you are, or who you have
become. With all the changes it can make you become 'helpless'.<br>
<br>
I find it impossible to ignore 'my situation' but, personally
that’s how I try and become less helpless. By getting on with it, and do you
very best to brush yourself down and get back up again.<br>
<br>
So, yet again, Happy Pancreatic Day! I really hope that it does create more
awareness, gets better statistics, and gets more funding.<br>
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<br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14013338770499502418noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7587823901082553320.post-39938020178908530242014-10-14T12:44:00.003-07:002014-10-14T12:54:12.966-07:00CT Scan results <div class="Body">
I have not wrote in my blog for quite a while now, I knew my CT
scan was coming up, and I did not want to talk or write about it until now. I
have had some message from friends that I have met via these blog post asking
how I am, and why am I not writing the next artical, (especially you Nan, from sunny California) I'm sorry, I have just needed
to see where I stand with everything.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It was my three month CT scan results today and all is OK. One
part of me cannot believe it was only three months ago from the last one, but
the other part of me feels like 30 years have passed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body">
A radiologist did not see the scan, but my oncologist said,
looking at the scans all looks ok, and nothing looks sinister. I also had my
bloods tested, the tumour count as risen slightly (from 13 to 18) but still all is in the safe
zone.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
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<div class="Body">
The scan was taken 3 weeks ago, waiting for the results has
challenged us to say the least. To put it bluntly, I lost the plot in the three weeks of waiting. Without the experience I have had, I would of
thought that each scan would become easer, but for me it just becomes harder. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
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<div class="Body">
The anxiety was unbearable. In the past three weeks I have become
introvert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sleep as been minimal. Plans
have been put on pause. I know how I should be viewing this period, I should
look at it with some form of zen approach . If I only could take a more
spiritual outlook, then none of the doctors findings would be important, I
could categorise it as a unknown journey. I am still working on this higher
viewpoint, and to be very honest about it, how I should be feeling and how I am
feeling are in very different areas right now. Last night I went for a drive,
one minute I was ok, the next minute uncontrollable sobbing (Diesel is so expensive these days ;))<o:p></o:p></div>
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I guess we create anxiety for a reason, maybe parts of the brain
is temporary shutting down, while other areas make up for this and go into over
a drive. This is to give the ability to cope, I guess, flight or flight. I am not sure which one I was doing. I know I was walking around with a bewildered look on my face, almost
like I have witnessed a bad accident. I also start yawning at this point, as
stress always has had this effect, sadly if I get told something tragic, and I just looked
bored at the news.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Body">
Both Rob and myself walked back into the hospital today, the memories came crushing
down. A knowing glance between us, we both have not been to the
hospital for a bit and for myself it seemed to surprise me. All the stimulants to make the
hospital more pleasurable, the art work, the gentleman playing the piano in the
forum, reminds me of why those stimulants are there in the first place, when the
reality is for most of the people in this ward, it's not pleasurable at
all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The people walking around the atrium area, pulling there connected drip, some looking ill and frail. I look, smile,
and give a respectable nod with my eyes. Even though you haven't been to the club for a long
time doesn't mean you ever forget about your membership.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="Body">
The anxiety I had collected in the past three weeks was all around
me and Rob for everyone to see, A an elderly woman in the waiting room came up
to us before she left and said good luck, and you will be in my prays. My
doctor waved me in, as we walked down the corridor I asked "How are
you"?, He smiled and replied<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>"I am good, and so are you." - three weeks of collective
anxiety started to lift. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I know and I understand the situation I am in, but I will always challenge it, as much as it will always challenge me, but for today, I won, and with that, the pause button, thank God, changes back to play.</div>
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For the past three weeks, I have imagined the good news, but at
the same time not sure if that was just a foolish game, and should I replay a
more negative outlook as then if it is then maybe the shock would be less
painful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="Body">
When I was telling one of the doctors about my plans, and then
saying but it all relied on the results, she said, why? Do it anyway,
whatever the results are, I agree with her, but yet again, I'm still working on
this more zen approach.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We both left the hospital, Rob went to work, I went to get ready
for the weekends market, and life strangely goes on. <o:p></o:p></div>
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All the plans that I have had on held I am now able to push
forward again. I am so please to.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, first we have a new logo for the businesss (Thanks Nick) and I am re-launching
with a new look for the stall, The joiner is working on this now, for those
that follow this blog, or know me, will not be surprised about this due to
having a re-launch most weeks! <o:p></o:p></div>
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The Market Wrap kitchen is now done, and set up. It is so much
better having the kitchen, which means we are able to do more, I love it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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*must now change old logo!</div>
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<o:p> </o:p>We have started selling The Market Wrap BBQ sauces separately. In
November we will be working with a company that distributes luxury food via its
monthly hampers and our Lousiana sauce will be featured in the hamper and we
will be in there promotional magazine. Links going back to the market wrap website
will have on-line videos advertising what can be done with our Louisiana sauce.</div>
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This is what will be going into the magazine.</div>
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The website will have a new look, and will be promoting the new
delivery service that will be starting in the next few weeks. We will be delivering around the Leeds area, and will be pushing this via social networks and Just-eat.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://www.market-wraps.com/">www.market-wraps.com</a> (still a hell of a lot of work to do on this!)</div>
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