A lot happening!

I was once in B&Q and was looking at the packet of seeds. We haven't got a garden but I was thinking about doing something with the space outside the house. I picked up my choice of seeds and was walking to the counter when it struck me that if it was down to probability,  I would not be around to see the seeds grow and turn to flower. I turned around, put the container back and left the shop crying like a baby, this was the wrong attitude.

To those who maybe reading this who have just found out they have pancreatic cancer, my advice is BUY THE SEEDS!  If I had, I could of seem them flower a few times by now.

I am having a scan a week on Friday, I get the results the following Thursday. My blood results show that the cancer as come back, but there are no tumours showing on the scan, yet. Whatever the scan results are I will be probably back on chemo soon, the doctors have said that it as come back looking at my bloods.

In life, so far, the world as had a funny way of showing me the right and wrong direction in life, been in a situation I am not happy with or was not right for me,  things have not gone in my way. I then have changed direction and things have magically turned and became positive, it may have taken time to get to that point, but it seems that it does. Almost like the world was working with me and not against.

While I have been collecting my thoughts about knowing the cancer has come back, I have tried to carry on as usual. While shopping at my local catering shop, Nisbets   I was given a receipt and was told that if i went online i would have a chance of winning a toaster. Trying to pull an expression like I was interested came natural, just like everyone else who had been served that morning, I knew as soon as I left the shop, the piece of paper wold be in the bin, but then I looked at the toaster! now this was no ordinary toaster! this was a see-through 150 quid magimix toaster.

Lee, one of my friends, had told me about this toaster! and we had one of many of our fascinating conversations, this one was on the subject of  how it must be nice to have a see-through toaster because you could see if your toast was at perfect tone, but not to the point that it cost £150 quid! Anyway! I imagined winning the toaster. I was not picturing me with a fancy toaster, but just the satisfaction of going on Facebook, making my status "Feeling blessed" which really means "Feeling smug!" and then tagging Lee.

I ran home as fast a I could, I was half an hour late as I went in the car, and when I got home I went online  and filled out the questionnaire. Two days later, i was called to be told I had won! and what colour did i want the toaster to be! I then remembered that Lee had left Facebook weeks ago! the disappointment!

Was it really that easy! I then heard a competition on Radio Aire, our local station, it was to win a 4 weeks advertisement package to advertise your business, which wold cost 1000s, eating my toast! I clicked on the link. Feeling optimistic for competitions, but also aware I was turing into an amateur  competition version of the very cleaver coupon kid, I decided to have another go and submit our catering trailer into the best looking trailer award in the yearly British street food award.

After my last chemo I knew i had to jump out of my bed fighting to get better again quickly, so, if the cancer came back, I would be fit enough to deal with it. I needed to carry on life as much as I could, as much as was possible, wanted to try and go back to some kind of normality, the problem been that the catering equipment was getting heavy. We decided to get a trailer, and I have spent a lot of time on this, we had it converted and then in my spare time i have tried to do it up! this as kept my mind active and in a better place, I have loved doing this. When i started to paint it black inside, i was worried that chemo brain had started to effect my judgement, but, standing back, it looks good.  So it was nice to get a tweet to say we have been shortlisted by Richard Johnson from the British Street Food as the best 13 looking trailers. This is ongoing and is on a online voting system, - if you would like to vote click here - and click on Market Wraps and vote and its as simple as that - THANK YOU


British street food awards - https://poll.fbapp.io/best-looking-mobiler-2016?from=user_link&ref_id=vwq9en

I got a phone call after the radio competition to say I had won! -  this goes out in the next few weeks.

I know that there are better times to push the business and plan for the future, but, you have to do the best with what you are given in life, and in a way, trust that. There is no point of not buying the seeds incase they don't grow, sometimes you just have to trust they will.
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The new normality

 I have not written a blog item for quite a bit of time now. I am currently about to have chemo (Thurs), after that I have another 2 to go.

My hair as started to grow back, I am not sure why, as i have not finished chemo yet, it is more fuzzy felt more than hair.

It does seem that last time the chemotherapy made me sick less that usual, but this sickness has been replaced by a bit more pain.  The other day I had abdominal pain, and I went dizzy and thought I was going to pass out, i am not sure if this is side effects from the chemo.

So, my future plans are:

3 more rounds of chemo, then after that a CT scan, then I am hoping to put a bit more normality back into my life.

I will be going back to work at this point, now I am not sure what good I will be, due to this amount of chemo. My brain feels like it has been taken out, and replaced by a brick.  My official title may change from web developer to flower pot, as they sit me next to the window holding some flowers.

But whatever happens, I am looking forward (and a bit nervous) about going back to some form of normality. 

When I say, some form, I guess I know the situation probably will not allow me to go back to the normality I used to have, I guess the key is to get it as close to it as I can. 

Cancer has changed me. It has changed me physically and what I am able or unable to do, my body will not allow me to just get up and go anymore, but my brain does, which adds to the frustration. I get really tired and there is sometimes pain, and my thought process can be very clouded.  I am now classed as disabled, by looking at me, no one would know there is anything wrong. I have applied for a disabled car parking badge, this seems to be a controversial subject. The government does regard this as a disability and have been helpful with advice, but when I have told some that I have applied, I have felt a bit of hostility, I guess people judge on the better days, sadly it's only my close family that see me on my worse days, a parking badge will help not just me, but Rob and my family at the hospital when I am leaving after chemo, there is never any parking spaces, and 4 flights of stairs while been sick is never very nice. I now know and accept that it is a disability, no I am not severely disabled, and it is not one that people see, a missing pancreas is not like a missing arm, but a pancreas as got it uses, and with half of it left, I do miss the other half! It has also changed how I look, from scars to experience, it as changed me physically and it has also changed me mentally, and I don't mean just chemo frying my brain, I mean the whole experience as made me see life in a different way.

I am really looking forward to get back to my street food business too, I have really missed it. I was talking about this to one of my doctors and how much I miss the work, she told me to do it from my sick bed, I am not sure if she understood what street food is, I know it involves a bit of theatre, but I am not sure if making pulled pork wraps from a bed while not being that well, in the middle of Briggate would work.

But I took her advice, and started making plans of some changes of "market wraps" from my bed. A change in menu, a change in the look of the stall, and a change in doing what we do now, but just doing it more. I decided to call the bank during one of my better days to see if they were the new helpful bank they now claim to be on there advert. All was going well on advice of how to ask for a bank loan, until we got to the point of pancreatic cancer been mentioned, I felt the draft from the virtual closed sign been shut down on the phone. This is what I mean by accepting that things won't be the same again.

I was able to work on the stall this weekend, and with that I brought in my new idea of the new menu, gourmet wraps and sandwiches, made in front of the customer in the morning.

They went down well, and we sold out, but more than that, it felt great doing something different, working at the stall, and seeing everyone at the market. Just a small sense of normality again.

On talk radio was a discussion about what it is like to live with cancer. I found it interesting, not as many would think. I was not comparing notes, it was more seeing how others do it and try and follow suit. If someone asked, how do I live with cancer, I am not sure what I would answer. 

To go through this experience, it is bound to give you some lesions in life, and it as! I think... And it would be great to reveal and share those big life's lesions in an almost revelation way! Sadly due to chemo brain, I think I have forgot most of them! Shame really as it would make a great blog item! 

I was thinking about how we treat getting older. Last December I hit 40, I did not really experience the hitting 40 in a normal way, so I am unable to write about it from that view point. I am guessing that you get to 38 and then suddenly you start to prepare mentally for the big four zero. For me it was different as I found out I had pancreatic cancer at 38, so the last thing on my mind was, I am 40 in two years time. 

I hit forty, and was asked the usual questions, "how do I feel about hitting forty" "it's downhill from here" etc.....

My blank face probably gave the game away that I had not put any thought process into this subject.

I guess I asked myself those questions after I got to 40. When someone hits a rounded age, questions like that I guess are standard, it's what we all do, we send joke cards about getting old, showing images of a couple of old dears with various body parts hanging low, or someone loosing their mind etc.  We all seem to treat getting old as a negative thing, and that is something that has changed for me.

How do I feel about hitting forty? I'm extremely thankful for it. A birthday does represent getting older, it represents another year of surviving, and a year of the experience of life. A year of sharing moments with love ones. It's a shame we all treat getting old as a negative experience, imagine how it would be if we all saw it as a positive, that would truly be a celebration.

What next.... life after cancer

I had a 4% chance of surving Pancreatic Cancer (over 5 years)

I am now 12 months after cancer, this is the situation im in:

I was told I had a 10% chance to be operable.

I was one of the lucky ones and it was operable.

The cancer now could come back, it has an 80% chance of coming back.

So, whats next and what do i do now after cancer?

The part which I find hard at times is whenever you are not well, or have some random pain, I call my specialist nurse, at this moment I have itching and I have become a bit worried about it.

I have had pains and whatever in the past, and I have then worried, then it just goes with time and I then forget, but when you have pain or itching or something that continually seems to just be there to remind you that things have changed and i am not in a normal situation, its hard. 

I think you have to just get on with it, accept and repect that this is not a normal situation and at times I may feel down or tired or sick, but also you have to live.

Its not easy, sometimes things get on top of me, but i try and look on the bright side, and there is a bright side.

I have gone part time at my job and turned to my passion of cooking to open up www.market-wraps.com

This take alot of time! (and energy) but at least it is better than thinking negative thoughts.

I see my business as playing, and when things get me down, personally i try and turn to, how can i push my business more, or how can i improve a recipy or make something better.

My check ups are now every 3 months, it always get a bit nervous around that time, but due to me going to the doctor for any pains i seem to be having more blood tests than every 3 months anyway.

A year on

It was one year annervercy last week that I found I had pancreatic cancer, I helped organised an event called street feastival! 

It was an aim to use my street food business "market wraps" to do some good and to give so thing back to the Yorkshire Cancer Centre and Pancreatic Cancer UK 

My original thought was to just give the profit to the 2 charities but proceedings seem to get bigger and my the time had come, not only was the venue pushing the event and organising singers and bands and DJs but also other street venders were getting behind the act too.

A company called Equal Experts also donated 1000 pound in raffle prizes.

We haven't counted the whole of the money yet, but it's looking like 1500 pound mark, which is not bad for a Friday night .

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But for me on a very personal note, the day was as important not just to give something back but to also celebrated that I am still here. When I got told "it's cancer" that moment in time will always stick with me, it's when life changed, one year on, instead of tragedy, good happened and I am very thankful to all who helped create that good.

A few days before the event, I went down to St James to hand out some of the flyers. Due to the kind of light that only a late September can produce it made memory's come back to how I felt last September.  When I was walking up to the hospital I had to sit due to the lack of energy.  This was only a 5 minute walk up a slightly raised hill but to me at that point it was like climbing Everest. 

With this in mind you would think I would of ran into the hospital dropped the flyers and ran the hell out as quickly as possible (especially because I also still had 150 things to do before the event) but I didn't, I sat in the waiting area, but this time not waiting to see if it's cancer, or to see if it's operable or even to get my next round of chemo, this time I sat there not waiting for anything, just because for me it now not only feels safe, but also feels a part of me.

The cancer journey is not only one that involves the physical part, the operation, the chemo, but also invokes the physiological side too, the changes to yourself, your body, your views on life etc.

I sat there, and cried a little, only a little, I don't want you to imaging I was sat there like some type of mentalist screaming in tears in the waiting area, and I must admit if that was the case, it's all fine! But there is something now that for me feels very safe in the hospital. It was only a few months since I sat there, with my work mates as they collected money also for the hospital. We sat there to pose for a picture for there magazine.

Sorry for the blurred image, not sure why it saved like that.  

When I think back through the past year, it's all a blur really. I can not remember much about life before all this happened. Twelve months ago I said to the surgeon using my best baby voice "Am I going to die?", I don't know why I asked him in this voice, maybe because I wanted him to turn around and say "No, now dry your eyes and go and play" but he didn't, he just said, "I am not sure", the baby voice didn't work. But I know I'm lucky to be around now a year later.