February 2015

JIt's 2.42am and I have woke up again after having a dream, I keep having the same type of dream. The dreams genre changes but the feeling when I awake stays the same. The setting is always hostile,  a place I don't feel comfortable with, and I guess the theme is always about learning how to survive in that hostile environment. Tonight's dream I was hidden in a traveling van, looking wide-eyed at the other passengers and not sure who's side the on lookers were on, while traveling down the dusty war broken streets of some exotic far place and been relived that every minute of the journey, I have survived. A psychologist would not be putting much study to work out the reasoning behind these dreams.  Last night was set in Leeds, but was in a dark rough part of Leeds and the theme was about getting to one part of town to the other, maybe not as dangerous as tonight's dream. 

I haven't published much on my blog recently, I have wrote stuff, but I haven't published it. I am not sure why. Not because I feel it is private, more to do with a cross between it reads like a shopping list, and/or bbvggguhwhen I read it back it sounded sanctimonious.  I am about to have chemo, I am having chemo, I am sick, I am in bed, 7 days later I'm getting better blar blar blar.  One reason why I write is to process the, well process I guess. But the thing is, I have wrote about this process loads of times, this is the third  cycle of chemo, surly I am able to get this by now. Also I wrote about how I feel, there is nothing wrong with that. But for now, it is not important how I feel about the chemo, what is important is the effects from it. My right hand shoulder pain as become less, this is good news as this pain is referred from the tumour on the liver, meaning that the chemo seems to be working.  To get pancreatic cancer is tragic, to get secondary pancreatic cancer is helpless, to get secondary pancreatic cancer three times, and get rid of it each time is unique, but something tells me not impossible, and that's why they are still giving me treatment, and with the help I am receiving I guess in the next few weeks I will find out if it will be possible with me. 

There was a programme called "How to cure your cancer", now due to the situation I am in, you would think I would sit there, watch it, and take notes, in the preparation of survival, but the truth is I watched five minutes and it was boring. I then sky+ it! But a couple of days later when sky+ was full, I deleted it.  It is coming up to who killed Lucy Beale week on EastEnders, and I don't want to miss an episode of that! Priority's! Knowing my luck I will be walking into the chemo ward next week when there be crowds of bald people, cutting the cords from the chemo machines and skipping away from the building and chanting thank god we watched  "How to cure your cancer" it worked! And I will be there running after them asking if anyone as it on DVD. Also a lot is happening regarding market wraps and Hosptal visits which I will reiterate about next 

I had my head shaved a few weeks ago, this was in preparation of it falling out. The haircut before I asked for a certain style, the hairdresser said I had to grow it to get that, and I said there was no point as I was having chemo and it would have fallen out by the time I would have reached that look, that was a long silent haircut! I also told the hairdresser who shaved my head that I was having chemo, not because I thought it may excuse me for leaving a shit tip ( but he did charge me less!)  but more to do with I was paranoid that it would just all fallout when he washed it in the sink, now that would make a great YouTube video! "What the f### have you washed my hair with!"  That was 2 weeks ago and it has not fallen out! I could have got the style I wanted! I haven't walked past the hairdressers since in case he thinks I told him Im having chemo just to get a couple of quid off my haircut.

The cancer zapping procedure is booked and I will be going back to Harley street the first week in March.  I will write soon and say now the results are. 

Rob and me have been to London for a couple of days, it's been great. It's so nice to go away, you leave the bedroom that I spend a week in and an environment where there is always a bag of pills or a sickness drive or a sharps bin to remind you of the situation we are in, of course you always have to go back and we are back now, chemo tomorrow.  A lot is happening in the next few weeks, with Market Wraps, and hospital visits things have gone crazy. I will right about that no next  blog x