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'Hope you have all had a lovely Christmas. 

It is 3.00am, I can not sleep, this is about the 7th night of broken sleep. Sadly it looks like my cancer as come back for now the third time.

I found out a couple of days before Christmas, my tumour count in my blood as gone from 20 something (under 30 is normal) to 230 something. It is not fear or stress why I can not sleep, but more to do with the pain in my right hand shoulder which seems to of been building up now for a few weeks. According to the doctor this is probably be referred pain from the liver. I am having a CT scan tomorrow (today) to see where I stand. I am talking a lot of pain killers and sleeping tablets,  they don't seem to be working.

I have only told a few, it seemed wrong to say sprinkled with the words Merry Christmas, so I thought I would wait for Happy New Year instead :) 

So at 3.am I go from Facebook, to BBC, to Twitter back to Facebook. Please can you all start posting at around these times as its a quite time.

I have recently been interviewed for a campaign for Pancreatic Cancer Action, I was asked, "what is your New Years wish". Before I found out about the cancer coming back. I felt I was slightly getting my life back in some order, I had gone back to the gym and slowly normality began. All is going well with Market Wraps, so my new year wish was to carry on the journey. I must admit this news does seem to have knocked me off my perch.

If it has come back, and it's looking highly likely, then I also have go get my head around the outcome. It is now the third time I have had cancer so things should be easer to understand. 

Chemo.

That's the hard part to get my head around right now. The next few weeks will tell me where I stand and what I can do about it. I should get the results back from the scan soon. 

Sometimes in my blog I write to enjoy. I write for therapy, I write just to update. I guess this blog item is to categorise. To place in some order.  Reading what I have wrote the one thing I should do, and can do is get back on the perch again. I had quite a few plans ready for the new year, of course there is nothing I can do about the fact that those plans will now be challenged. But at the same time, it also doesn't mean that I can not challenge them from not happening.

Sorry about the bad news, I am hoping that it will be not that bad, and I will put in the blog as soon as I find out.