I have not wrote in my blog for quite a while now, I knew my CT
scan was coming up, and I did not want to talk or write about it until now. I
have had some message from friends that I have met via these blog post asking
how I am, and why am I not writing the next artical, (especially you Nan, from sunny California) I'm sorry, I have just needed
to see where I stand with everything.
It was my three month CT scan results today and all is OK. One
part of me cannot believe it was only three months ago from the last one, but
the other part of me feels like 30 years have passed.
A radiologist did not see the scan, but my oncologist said,
looking at the scans all looks ok, and nothing looks sinister. I also had my
bloods tested, the tumour count as risen slightly (from 13 to 18) but still all is in the safe
zone.
The scan was taken 3 weeks ago, waiting for the results has
challenged us to say the least. To put it bluntly, I lost the plot in the three weeks of waiting. Without the experience I have had, I would of
thought that each scan would become easer, but for me it just becomes harder.
The anxiety was unbearable. In the past three weeks I have become
introvert. Sleep as been minimal. Plans
have been put on pause. I know how I should be viewing this period, I should
look at it with some form of zen approach . If I only could take a more
spiritual outlook, then none of the doctors findings would be important, I
could categorise it as a unknown journey. I am still working on this higher
viewpoint, and to be very honest about it, how I should be feeling and how I am
feeling are in very different areas right now. Last night I went for a drive,
one minute I was ok, the next minute uncontrollable sobbing (Diesel is so expensive these days ;))
I guess we create anxiety for a reason, maybe parts of the brain
is temporary shutting down, while other areas make up for this and go into over
a drive. This is to give the ability to cope, I guess, flight or flight. I am not sure which one I was doing. I know I was walking around with a bewildered look on my face, almost
like I have witnessed a bad accident. I also start yawning at this point, as
stress always has had this effect, sadly if I get told something tragic, and I just looked
bored at the news.
Both Rob and myself walked back into the hospital today, the memories came crushing
down. A knowing glance between us, we both have not been to the
hospital for a bit and for myself it seemed to surprise me. All the stimulants to make the
hospital more pleasurable, the art work, the gentleman playing the piano in the
forum, reminds me of why those stimulants are there in the first place, when the
reality is for most of the people in this ward, it's not pleasurable at
all. The people walking around the atrium area, pulling there connected drip, some looking ill and frail. I look, smile,
and give a respectable nod with my eyes. Even though you haven't been to the club for a long
time doesn't mean you ever forget about your membership.
The anxiety I had collected in the past three weeks was all around
me and Rob for everyone to see, A an elderly woman in the waiting room came up
to us before she left and said good luck, and you will be in my prays. My
doctor waved me in, as we walked down the corridor I asked "How are
you"?, He smiled and replied
"I am good, and so are you." - three weeks of collective
anxiety started to lift.
I know and I understand the situation I am in, but I will always challenge it, as much as it will always challenge me, but for today, I won, and with that, the pause button, thank God, changes back to play.
For the past three weeks, I have imagined the good news, but at
the same time not sure if that was just a foolish game, and should I replay a
more negative outlook as then if it is then maybe the shock would be less
painful.
When I was telling one of the doctors about my plans, and then
saying but it all relied on the results, she said, why? Do it anyway,
whatever the results are, I agree with her, but yet again, I'm still working on
this more zen approach.
We both left the hospital, Rob went to work, I went to get ready
for the weekends market, and life strangely goes on.
All the plans that I have had on held I am now able to push
forward again. I am so please to.
So, first we have a new logo for the businesss (Thanks Nick) and I am re-launching
with a new look for the stall, The joiner is working on this now, for those
that follow this blog, or know me, will not be surprised about this due to
having a re-launch most weeks!
The Market Wrap kitchen is now done, and set up. It is so much
better having the kitchen, which means we are able to do more, I love it.
*must now change old logo!
This is what will be going into the magazine.
The website will have a new look, and will be promoting the new
delivery service that will be starting in the next few weeks. We will be delivering around the Leeds area, and will be pushing this via social networks and Just-eat.
www.market-wraps.com (still a hell of a lot of work to do on this!)
It has been challenging the past few weeks, but I am looking forward to looking forward again.
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