Thursday, 3 July 2014

Stumbling to the next step

As I am writing this I am miles in the air! No it's not the chemo that is making me trippy again, we are flying back from Rhodes in Greece. It has been great to just get away and relax, when I say relax, I probably don't mean it in the conventional sense, I mean my type of relaxing where the day to day worries get pushed aside making more room for more exciting problems.  Problems that are man-made and purposely put there to challenge yourself, and make life even more worthwhile.

I had to get special holiday insurance, the girl went through the usual questions, it's the same kind of questions that I used to skim-read, and quickly tick a line of boxes with the word "No" next to them, sadly these days it's usually "Yes". A sigh of relief when I get to the question, are you pregnant? A question I can tick No to and reminisce on the good old days! She then asked me "Is they anything I haven't declared and not been diagnosed with yet" having a brain running on chemo, and that type of question, both don't mix well, and I still don't understand, if I haven't been diagnosed yet, then how would I know to declare it! I paid my £30 as she went through a list of terms that I can not claim for on the insurance, and when she eventually reached the end of the T and C's,  I knew I will be able to sleep at night knowing the fact that I will be covered to use my insurance only if absolutely nothing at all medically happens to me.

I am back to work tomorrow! And looking forward to it. Looking forward to seeing everyone at work and having a bit of normality again. Then the day after I get my results from my CT scan. I don't really want to even think about this right now as it does not matter how many times you sit in front of the doctor and how many times he or she as given you good or bad news, nothing makes it any easer each time you go, nothing can prepare you for the amount of anxiety. (Just got back from hospital, there are testing my bloods, but scanning the ct scans - they forgot to do it! - but the doctor said all looks ok) 

Sadly I missed my Mum dong "race for life" on Sunday, with her friends. It's not too late to sponcer! Half of the money is going to PCUK and the other to the race for life funds. (Thanks Mum x)

Since finishing chemo I now don't have a weekly cycle of sickness, this energises me and  I have noticed that there are two types of speed, mine and everyone else. I am nervous I am going to miss out on something so it is like I try living in the  priority queue of life, and I am fast-tracking as much as I can. The things that used to slow me down or stop me, those nagging questions, what happens if I fail, what will people think, will I look stupid, will people judge. Just don't seem substantial reasons to stop me doing what I want to do anymore. What happens if I fail, I fail! What will people think, who cares, will I look stupid, with a face like this how can I look any other way! Will people judge, well that's more about them than me! The only thing that makes me nervous is not having the health to do what I want to do. Insecurities can not stop me, but my health can. 

So, From tomorrow I am back to work as a web developer again Monday to Wednesday and the rest of the week concentration on my street food business. I should be getting the keys for the new kitchen this week, and I am trying to get our pulled pork wraps into shops.

A bit of a shameless plea but if you know anyone with a shop please let them know about our pulled pork wraps! 

Also, I have mentioned in my blogs before about performing stand up comedy. I used to perform amateur comedy. In all fairness I was never going to make my millions in this area, and it was leaning more on the word "amateur" than "comedy". I used to forget my jokes, I then went off subject and forget what I was talking about, and sometimes I went on stage, let nerves get so in the way, I would almost explode!  At the best of times people looked at me thinking that my act was more of an art form, and at the worse of times,  just shit! But.... Still, as I dodged the looks of the puzzled and confused audience, I still enjoyed it, so I have a gig booked in July, there is a reason for all this, but will write about this on my next blog.

The above video may offend by stuttering, bad jokes, and swearing and panicking. 

After everything, why am I putting this pressure on myself? There are moments in all of our life's that we all do things that contradict against what we categorise as "common sense". I know, right now,  that choosing to push the business and expanding and doing just more in general is one of them times especially when the future for me is so uncertain and all the doctors are telling me to rest, take it easy, there is still chemo in your body. But, sometimes there is an underline feeling, a feeling that goes against the grain of rational thinking, and in that feeling, I trust, I am not sure where those actions will lead, but I guess that underline feeling is one of wonder, which is better than dread.

No comments:

Post a Comment