Thursday, 27 December 2012


I hope you all have had a love Christmas

Saturday, 22 December 2012

My first chemo

This was wrote in December 2012

Well, I was very quiet driving up for my first chemo injection, but it was ok, the nurse said I won't see the side effects for two days, but as for now, all is ok.

It was in a ward where they were about 6 armchairs with curtains around, like a normal ward but without beds.

The nurse said it is a very different word when your not used to it, it is, it's strange how we all pop in, sit down, get injected with poison, and then leave, but the people in there seem really nice.

When you tell people that you had/have cancer people can react in a way that they don't know what to say, I don't blame them, I would probably be like that myself, but in that ward, it's normal, so I was taken back slightly when a patients parter asked what type of cancer did I have, she also said I sat the same way as her jack russell, nice!

The nurse also said its an eye opener in there, it's is, as it seems quite a mix bag of people, mix ages etc.

I'm on two types of chemo due to been on a trial, the trial is called ESPAC-4 which is a mixture of drugs gemcitabine (this is injected) and with Capecitabine which is in tablet form.

There was also anti sickness drug which I had to take, the nurse said it may make my bum feel itchy! The only feeling I had was a sensation in my balls!

Monday, 17 December 2012


There as been strange changes in me in the past few weeks, materialist goods don't seem that needed anymore.  It is Christmas and for the first time, I don't really need anything, I love gadgets, but as I look around currys, there is nothing that I really need or want.

Also another change, the things that used to stress me dont anymore, stressed at work? Get cancer! It does change your prospective on things, I feel in certain situations I'm more calm.

Me and my partner, we have never really argued, well, not much, but now, there is no point to arguing, we get wound up still, I guess more about the situation,  but somehow it feels it has made us even more closer.

Also, at the beginning it drove me  mad, from when I woke up to when I went to bed, the situation was always on my mind, and though out the day processed the information over and over again, that hasn't changed, but I guess learning to live with it has, it seems to get easer.

There as been some changes in others too, some people can not deal with it at all, I haven't heard much from them since this, I understand that, they are not sure what to say so it's easer to just not say anything.

There are also physical changes, I lost at the most 3 stone.  I would of discribed myself has stocky now I am very slim. I have started to put weight back on.

I guess the key to all this is ride Throghout all of the changes, because whatever changes happen, physical or mentally, with me or with others. Behind it all, everyone are still the same.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

After having pains under my rib cage on the right, and then turning a strange yellow colour that first made me look like Hommer Simpson, and then when my eyes turned yellow, i  just looked evil, I went to the doctors, after blood tests, I went to the hospital.

A week in hospital with expected gallstone issues,  (at 38 there was really nothing else it could of been) each test seemed to get more serious, each scan seemed more scary, the first scan was a ultra scan, the last one i was injected with a blue dye and I laid in a tube. 

They found it! The doctors came around the ward every morning, this morning they seemed to be more doctors than usual.

Each morning the doctor and the student doctors walk around each bed and say what is wrong with each patient, and the outcome.

When they got to me, they did the usual of pulling the curtains around the bed for privacy, but that's where it changed, there was a pause, they said do I want to know the results there, or else where.

I guess I knew that there was something wrong at this point, the doctor sat down on the bed, and told me they have found a lump on the pancrease.

I jumped up, and walked up and down, which due to the curtain been closed, was not much space, and five doctors been around the bed, my walking was not that far, the doctors opened the curtain and left.

Shock, Your head trys and fillters information, i stud in the hallway a nurse came, she was talking to me I told her that I can't have cancer,  my parter and i have just bought an house, life is good, we are moving In in the next few months.

In the next day or two I was told it was pancreatic cancer, I had never heard of it, I was calling it pacreasic for at least a week. I was told it was aggressive and I was lucky to be able to have an opperation, if that opperation was a success, and if it had not spread, then there is a 20 percent chance it may not come back.

My blog is about my new life now, part documentation part therapy, every time I have written a blog in the past it's never lasted more than one post! I hope this one lasts a long time.